WOULD really like your Opinions on my dating situation!

24 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 5 - 7AM

onwithmylife

WOULD really like your Opinions on my dating situation!

Have seen this guy about 7 times thus far and i emailed him yesterday asking if he would like to meet me as I was going to be in his town on saturday for a business matter. We went on this past Sunday to a movie where I live and I had mentioned being off on Friday and Sat., he works on Friday and talked about getting together. He calls me and tells me he is taking a new woman on a hike in the afternoon,on Sat. so cannot do Sat. he sounded sheepish saying it and probably would never have told me if i had not asked about Sat., but he tells me and says what about Sunday which i do not know yet workwise. Then I had the chance to say i am old fashion and if we do sleep together , I would want exclusivity and he said he would want the same thing and I said i was glad I had not slept with him at this time.After we talked some more and hung up, I sent him an email, saying I was very disappointed that he chose a stranger over me to see on saturday and signed off. I am not contacting him anymore and put the ball in his court. What do you all think of this?? I feel sad as I was developing feelings for him, he is newly divorced, only 6 weeks and that is a huge red flag in itself. He is rather self absorbed but not necessarily a narc His mother lives with him, in her 80's, but may have some issues there as well, too early to tell.

#2 Oct 5 - 11PM

ValiditySeeker

In My opinion

It seems narc-like to tell you about the other woman. I see everyone applauding his "honesty" but it reads like a jerk trying to make you jealous. Narcs are infamous for pushing, then pulling away. Then pushing, then casually mentioning another woman, then pushing more... I understand that he's new to dating again and doesn't owe you or anyone exclusivity at this point. But the graceful thing to do was to say that he had plans and not go into detail. Instead, he told you that he would be spending time with another woman. That was unnecessary. It was a prick with a pin. He enjoyed the way it made him feel to know two women were interested in him at the same time. Just my (dissenting) opinion. I don't like people (narcs) who throw shit in your face and act all innocent, saying they were just being "honest." Honesty can often be just a mask for cruelty. He wanted you to respond by increasing your interest in him. After all, he must be some hot commodity if more than one woman wants him. I say he's playing a game. In your shoes, i would have told him to enjoy his date and told him good bye and then forgotten about him. But again, that's just me.

#3 Oct 5 - 5PM

onwithmylife

thanks to all who responded to my post

I feel way better now. i sent the man an email, a strong but nice one, saying that he and I are on two different pages when it comes to how we view dating. I said to him i know where he is coming from, fresh from a divorce and still loves his ex-wife, and wants to sample different women at this point in his life. For me i told him I want to be the main course, not the appetizer, and am looking to find a man who i can date exclusively at least for a few months or so,and see what happens, if nothing, then part ways. But I told him I am not comfortable, developing deeper feelings for him, if he wants to see other women besides myself, that is just who I am and my values.I would go and try dating different men, but that is asking a lot as it is near impossible to find ONE good guy. i tried dating in college different men at the same time and it was not for me.I can only handle one at a time. He is VERY self absorbed, I did notice that and i think has some mother issues i never did figure out.I asked far more questuions of him than he has ever asked of me.One to the next one sadder but wiser..................At the end i said to him if things are going well between us, what is the need to keep dating other women? This site is so great, it is like having all my relatives give me different perspectives, thanks guys!!

#4 Oct 5 - 10PM (Reply to #22)

Journey

Glad you are feeling better

Glad you are feeling better OWML! Just remember, it is better for you NOT to rush into exclusivity because that makes it WAY harder to see and pay attention to red flags. Just chill with this guy, you've said your peace and expressed your boundaries about the kinds of expectations you'd have if you continue dating him, if he is ready he will pay attention to that and meet you in the middle, if not, then he's not a good choice for you anyway. I wish for you the best! Just have a good time out there in dating land and try on lots of different shoes, you never know when the right fit will happen... :)

Journey on...

#5 Oct 5 - 2PM

spinning

OWML, seeing someone

about 7 times is too early to tell a lot of things. And just as it is too early for you as you say at the conclusion here, I am certain it is too early for him, too. Especially since he is newly divorced. I think he told you the truth and you told him the truth of how it made you feel in return and yes, the ball is in his court. I do hope that you let it go now, however, as I don't believe he intentially meant to hurt you and I actually think it was good of him to be honest with you and then to offer to see you on Sunday. It means he wants to see you. He wouldn't have said it otherwise! I am sorry you felt hurt that he was seeing another, but in my opinion, OWML, if you have groundrules for dating you have to put them on the table right away. Men who are not disordered will not initiate such a conversation and frankly if one did with me so early on it would be a red flag. My hope, OWML, is that he will contact you and that you will continue to engage in getting to know this person and a making a potential connection and developing a solid relationship built on honest communication and trust, which I think you already have going here. In other words, try not to dwell and let it go. I hope this doesn't hurt you. I just don't want you to be mad at this person for doing something which I think is quite normal at this stage of your getting to know each other, especially if you live in different towns. OWML, you've worked hard to make a new life for yourself, I know this. I want you to be happy and fulfilled and I believe if you just let this go and be open to what may happen next things will work out as they should. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND TIPTOEING MY WAY THROUGH THE DATING WORLD!!

spinning

#6 Oct 5 - 5PM (Reply to #20)

onwithmylife

spinning

I am handling this a lot different than with the narc,I am standing up for myself and my values and let the chips fall where they may, something I NEVER did with the narc, all in all I am not mad at the guy and think everything happens for a reason, to move me closer to the right man for me...........all that aside dating nowadays is a bitch!!!

#7 Oct 5 - 12PM

Done sourcing

It doesn't matter if new boy

It doesn't matter if new boy is dating another, as you were just dating and exploring. Your exploration discovered useful information that you can take with you. He is not emotionally available at 6 weeks out of marriage, divorce or whatever. Let some other women have him, as it will be the rebound relationship for him. He might need a few. I like the idea of dating several people for you. One after the other. Get to know people and have fun without expectation or attachment. Just date. Look up dating in wiki, it will identify what it is really all about. Go slow and let God do the picking, as many of us herehave broken pickers! ds

#8 Oct 5 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

faith999

I agree Done sourcing

I agree with all that you said. Onwith my life..I find it refreshing that he was honest with you. He didn't have to be. He certainly could have left it as he had plans with no explanation.BUT..in my humble oppinion I feel he should have just let you know he is dating others he did not have to let you know what they would be doing for their date. And yes he is fresh out of a marriage and is not emotionally available as DS said. I agree with the concept of dating a few people. If we are honest and don't get sexually invloved it is a great way to not become overly attached with any of them.And no that is not narc behavior as you would be up front about it and not continue when in a commited realtionship.LOL I am also not a young woman (late 40's)and do realize it is not always easy to find "a few men to date" I find it hard to even find one I'm attracted to these days never mind a group of them for my dating pleasure!!

#9 Oct 5 - 9AM

freaked

OML, if you don't mind me

OML, if you don't mind me bumping in my thoughts here, i felt it would be best to just quietly drop this guy. Freshly divorced, and thinking of a r/s with you so soon, and already another woman in tow.. no no no..this is a big red flag. don't step into that narc cauldron again. a normal guy would not do these things. if you are still at an age for r/s, then I believe a good man will certainly come your way before the year ends. and you will sense the honesty. about me, i am too old and don't have an inclination to ever be in any kind of r/s again after my marriage turned out such a nightmare. This man was the only man in my life, and we have a child; and this is it for me. I owe it to this forum for showing me the way and helping me find me again. i am in emotional-mental NC and that is permanent. have to still be here because i have decided i will not be the one to make the first move . it had better be done by him, i don't care anymore. yes, there is a fear i have for my safety, but if i walk out right now, it will still be the same fearing for my life safety. I have learnt to be more kindhearted and genuinely caring of random people i meet here and there and am genuinely fond of each member at this board. that's my life now, and i am thankful i am not searching for a new guy. I just have no interest left now. I will be grateful to just be allowed to be alive and in possession of my faculties

#10 Oct 5 - 10PM (Reply to #16)

Journey

I gotta say Freaked, I really

I gotta say Freaked, I really wish you would change your perspective about being 'too old' to find love again (or to date for that matter). I am not a lot younger than you and find it really depressing to hear you so strongly assume that as fact. I know you are in an awkward situation to easily go out 'dating', but still... There are many people 'of a certain age' out there finding new love! I hope to some day be one of them - lol!!

Journey on...

#11 Oct 5 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

onwithmylife

Freaked

I am the eternal optomist, you are never too old. If I ever find a guy to love and live with and maybe even marriage, you will all be invited to my wedding!!!!

#12 Oct 5 - 8AM

How could I

Maybe

Maybe he already had the hiking date set up and didn't have the courage to initially tell you. Then, he figured it was the right thing to do. I would applaud the honesty. Good luck and take your time!!! You deserve it!

#13 Oct 5 - 8AM

58 and going strong

Too much too soon -

Too much too soon - maybe. The definition of dating is pretty much "checking" things out BEFORE heading into a relationship. And the decision if it is or becomes a relationship needs definitely be mutual. So I would see a certain freedom there. Aside from the fact that it looks like you wouldn't, could you do the same and go for dinner or similar with another man, and still meet this date? I would watch the situation with the mother very closely: What kind of relationship do they have? You can find descriptions of N-parents all over. My Ns ALL had severe mother issues. And I am watching for other N-like behaviors - always! Also, your man is far away from being healed after his divorce. Good luck!

#14 Oct 5 - 8AM (Reply to #12)

onwithmylife

58 and going strong

I am an older woman and out of the loop, am used to checking out one person at a time, not good at juggling different men, like I once was!!!

#15 Oct 5 - 8AM

Used

ONWITHMYLIFE

i understand your point, and its going to take you a while to trust again...him telling you he was taking a women hiking? ,how do you feel ,in that should he have told you?, if not say you had found out about it,without him telling you ? how would you feel then?... if he has not long come out of a divorce, i don't think he will be thinking of beign exclusive at the moment.... having said that owml, i wouldnt expect too much from this man, and i think your expectations are very high now[GOOD FOR YOU], but if it was me, i might stay seeing him,if i liked him enough,to see how the land lies....but on no account would i have sex with him, until i realy knew the score....in a way you have boxed him into a corner, by saying ,when we have sex,i want us to be exclusive....and tho i understand your feelings[after beign with narc]...you cant realy say this to someone after 7 dates.... the other alternative is to not see him anymore....this is just my take on it...

#16 Oct 5 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

onwithmylife

used

he probably would never have told me if I had not mentioned getting together since i was going to be in his town. He did not sound at all surprised when I said about being exclusive if we slept together, that he said he totally understood.It is the first guy i have had feelings too after being without the narc and not much dating ni over 2 years.I still feel the scars but i do not feel the email I sent was bad, just letting him know my feelings, that I would not have minded if we had got together on Sat. since we were both off that day and he saw the other woman a different day. It is all very confusing to me, I am out of the loop for so long, what are your thoughts on what I said Used????

#17 Oct 5 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

Used

ONWITHMYLIFE

b/c we all have diffrent personalities, i dont want you to think i am leading you...we have both been on this board awhile, i have followed your posts and seen you getting stronger and stronger... so here is my opionion, cos you asked....the email you sent, is what i wouldnt have done...simply b/c i would have thought,this is not going to work for me, if i meet am man[LOL], and we become close enough for me to want to sleep with him....i dont and won't except him going out with other women.....yes, if he knows other women, i am ok with that, but he could have asked you if you wanted to go with them?....bottom line for me..... i will not allow any body ever again to make me feel LIKE SLOPPY SECONDS......so for me its easy, b/c i am never going into a r/s again.....i have now set the bar so high, and my boundries so firm....no man will ever be able to live up to it....so i dont and wont even try dating....so that makes you very brave for getting out there,and me very cowardly for not....xx

#18 Oct 5 - 8AM (Reply to #7)

Winter

I do agree with used

Even if it is only dating situation and no big expectations can be set yet, it still hurts to be put aside. I think he is acting right by telling you the truth. It is respectful. But I assume that respect is not the ONLY thing you want from this relationship. We have to learn to put our needs first. Bug hugs, Winter

#19 Oct 5 - 8AM (Reply to #8)

onwithmylife

Winter

I think it would not have stung so much if he had told me up front that he wanted to go out with other women and that I should do the same, we never discussed the ground rules, that was what took me by surprise, I do appreciate his telling me about his date, but i think the only reason he did so was because i asked him if he wanted to meet the day as I was to be in his town, otherwise my gut tells me he would have said nothing to me, just not called.

#20 Oct 5 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

Winter

Onwithmylife, sweetheart

The real question here: how does it make you feel? The fact that on Saturday night he went with another woman at did put you aside? Not the fact that he told you or not. Not the fact that he said you because you asked him. But just the very fact that after 7 dates he would not gladly use the opportunity of seeing you and spending time with you. This is the real question and you know it. This is not a business relationship in which we should put our emotions and feeling aside and acting business like. This is a PERSONNAL relationship in which we are supposed to feel good, quite and happy. And in the opposite to business relationship we should put our feelings and emotions in the first place. The way we feel (not think, but FEEL) in the relationship should be the main criteria. Love Winter

#21 Oct 5 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

onwithmylife

winter

you insightful woman, it made me feel like a dress on the rack, you try on and then decide not to buy and purchase the cuter dress instead, it was NOT a good feeling for me from a guy who tells me how much he values our friendship, something doesn't SMELL right!!?He speaks from a forked tongue..................

#22 Oct 5 - 8AM (Reply to #5)

onwithmylife

Used

I totally understand what you told me, but in hindsight the email I sent him, whether or not I hear from him again, was to express my disappointment about picking a stranger over me for that day, I was NOT telling him he should date no one but me, and I am glad i stood up for myself in that example and let the chips fall where they may. In the past i was always too afraid to speak my mind. with the narc, maybe i am overcompensating for the many years with the narc and his life, who knows?!Live and learn...I guess he turned out to be my learning curve, having not dated in so long.

#23 Oct 5 - 8AM (Reply to #6)

Used

ONWITHMYLIFE

you misunderstood about sending him the email, what i ment was i wouldnt have done it,b/c i would have already been finished with him...so no point...you said if you have sex with him you want to be exclusive, so that means he cant date other women....this is how i think now, it doesnt mean,i expect any one else too....yes, live and learn.. i have so learned the hard way, that i won't put my self out there again....

#24 Oct 5 - 7AM

Hunter

If it's only been a few weeks

If it's only been a few weeks why isn't he allowed to date others.? He had a life before you, what happened to slow?? Sorry I think you expecting too much too soon!! Hunter

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