Work with my ex

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#1 Dec 15 - 11AM
Timehelps2
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Work with my ex

I have to bump into my ex at work all the time so NC is impossible even though I never go out of my way to see him or say anything. He will come over to my dept with a shit eating grin just to f with me (that's what it feels like) because he just "wants to say hello since I don't make the effort" with a big I'm a charming a-hole smile. I've thought about quiting but I can't afford to loose my job. I can't talk about it because (stupid me) I had an affair with him, he knows I would never blow my cover and I'm condemed to silence. I can't totally get over this because I can't cut off contact. Oh, and he's in another secret relationship (which he was having at the sametime at the end of ours) with the head of HR now. She knows about me and has access to all my personal info. I can only imagine what she has been told about me to make himself look better. It's sick and what can I do about this awful mess I've gotten myself into now? Any advice how to cope when you can't get away?

Dec 16 - 3PM
Timehelps2
Timehelps2's picture

First, thank you for your

First, thank you for your supportive replies! I've been seperated from my N husband for about 3 months now and between him and this a-hole at work I feel like I'm going to have a nervous break down. Oh, let's add 2 difficult teenagers into the mix to make it even more stressful. I have tried in the most covert ways to "fix" my situation. I unfortuantely know his mode because when I started with him he totally trashed this other woman in another department and told me some outrageous stories like threesomes she had with other people at work and what a slut she was and how he'd never be with her because of what he could possibly catch from her and she constantly was "after" him and was crazy. I was like "OMG that's horrible, what's wrong with her?" Then I worked with her on a project and found out she's smart and nice and a single mother. Hmmmmm... it just didn't add up. So I don't doubt for a moment what he must have said to this other woman to hide his tracks with me because he was very blatant about his lunches and visiting me in my dept. even though I told him to be more discrete because people were talking about his behavior towards me. I think, not certain, that he was fine with me as his supply until this more "valuable" woman from HR came into the comapany and he saw that she was attractive, available, and could be a rich source of info and inside company gossip. She was also 7 years older, divorced and has an autistic child so that makes her a prime target too don't you think? If she were the type that he always looked at I'd think differntly (a 12 year old anorexic body with long bleached blond hair) which she is NOT. I'm certain that he strung me along to use me as a cover for thier relationship, because she would be fired for dating anyone in the company and she's much too valuable to loose. I heard from 2 differnt people he confessed to being crazy about me after we broke up. Why on earth would he say that and make the rumors worse after we were done?! I thought for a moment he really did love me and missed me. NOT. Considering he could barely be bothered saying hi to me for the first 2 months after our split. Gotta to go for now, more of this horrible real life soap opera later.
Dec 15 - 5PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

You can achieve a sort of NC

You can achieve a sort of NC even though you work for him. Jobs are dear these days . . . but do be open to seeking other work, keep your eyeballs open, and wait for opportunities. If you have that kind of job, then this will be the ultimate remedy. In the meantime . . . like mystwoman says, shut him out of your mind. Shut the door. You can develop the skill of ignoring a person who is right in your face. It is a skill. I do it all the time (I'm a nurse). I have to deal with all manner of abusive people, from coworkers to patients and their families. I have to be polite and even friendly, but inside I'm not letting them get to me. This would be SO HARD to do with my ex. You really have a hard row to hoe. But you can make a ton of difference for yourself. Review your job's policy on harassment. Across the board, your first step is to verbally inform the harasser to stop speaking to you or interacting with you. Once you do that, and they continue, you have grounds for a complaint. Since he is in a relationship with the head of HR, you are in a very "dangerous" situation, politically speaking. If the head of HR is not an honest person, there could be trouble for you. That's why going to HER supervising department or person is going to be necessary . . . and you'll have to explain WHY. Unfortunately. It's a good life skill to develop a "teflon" skin, and learn to not react to the various jerks and crapheads that are inevitable wherever you go. The idea is to not let them get under your skin. It takes practise. It's not something you can do perfectly well at first. Having had an affair with him is NOT a crime, nor is it even a crime in term's of your company's policy (mostly this is not a company policy). The affair you had is a personal thing and the worst that can happen to you is embarassment. I'm very glad you found us . . . there are quite a few ladies on the board in your same boat. You are definitely one of us :)
Dec 15 - 3PM
mystwoman
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I work at the same company

I work at the same company as xnh, too. Right in the office next door to his (uck). He tried the being "friendly" garbage with me as well (along with seeing if he could pick fights when "friends" didn't work). I finally had to file a complaint with my management because xnh would NOT leave me alone, even after I pointedly told him I want no contact with him ever again. Xnh liked to follow me into and out of the building each day, and come into my office each morning to say, "Hello". It was unwanted attention, and I considered it harassment. The next thing xnh, did was walk past my office door about a million times a day, and he started calling me dirty names just loud enough for me to hear (but no one else). I reported him again. He was talked to about his behavior each time. Lately he's decided to just ignore me back. Fine with me. Hopefully this trend will last. I can live with it. It is really hard, and really uncomfortable for me at work sometimes. I've gotten so that now I just ignore him (and I mean COMPLETELY ignore him). I don't look at him. I don't speak to him. If I pass him in the hall, I look straight ahead and pass on by with my head held high. I don't smile at him or make any eye contact. If he's in the break room, I just go about my business of getting my coffee. He does NOT exist. Even though I can't achieve complete NC at work, I'm coming as close as I possibly can with xnh. My best advice to you would be tell your xn ONCE to stay away, and then completely ignore him. Refuse to speak to him about anything but work that directly involves you. No personal conversations. Focus totally on your job, and do your best at work. Quietly keep a written log of every time he bothers you after you tell him to leave you alone, and what he's saying (just a little note with the date and occurrence will do). If he persists, you have the option to file a complaint if necessary. Simply go over the HR woman's head and lodge your complaint with her superior (I assume she has one), or file the complaint with your own boss. Your xn is playing a really stupid game if he thinks he has you over a barrel because you had an affair with him. You are not necessarily condemned to silence. You have some power, too. He has secrets he wants to hide. Bear in mind that he is now having a secret affair with the HR woman, and YOU know about it. It's apparently NOT so secret. You may have had ONE office affair. He has had TWO relationships with fellow employees now. If you have written documentation about him bothering you, it's going to be really hard for him to refute your claims. You already told him to leave you alone. This can be construed as sexual harassment on your xn's part by your employer. He's going to have to explain his actions, and he's NOT going to want to do that. He's NOT going to look very good. Narcs always want to look good, so use that trait to your advantage if necessary. These jerks actually are fairly predictable after you observe them for a while. I really feel for you. Working with the xn is miserable. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Dec 15 - 12PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

I worked with my exN at my

I worked with my exN at my previous job and that's the reason I lost my job. I could not focus whatsoever. He would dump me constantly and it felt real each and every time. He would then make a point to walk by me talking on the phone to OW. I was devistated and lost my job because I was not doing it. I was in another world and couldn't focus. I know if I were in that situation with an N again I would do everything in my power to leave that company because they suck you in over and over. You fall for there acts of being happy with OW. Jealousy was huge with me. Now that he is in another company and I am also, this I hope will make it easier for this NC. I don't have to see that smug look on his face ever again. My advice seriously is to look for another job. It's very hard to get rid of them otherewise.
Dec 15 - 12PM
ewa
ewa's picture

Hi, I have been also working

Hi, I have been also working with my exN. We have been meeting for 3 years and after we broke up i was working with him for another year. I have decided to change the job finally. I got a good offer and he was surely one of the reasons for me changing my job. He was fired few days later after i have left and moved back to his home country. My advice is, do not quit but try to find a new job. Make yourself busy at work and do not look at his direction. Do not answer his "hi" and "bye". In my case it worked, after a while he stopped saying hello to me, as he was afraid that other people will see that i do not answer to him. And one more thing to not be to worried that he says bad stuff about you to the HR girl. There is a big possibility he could mention you, but said nothing bad about you. Talking bad about you could make the HR girl suspicious that there is sth not right with him, and also it would made her afraid that if they stop meeting he will talk bad about her. Ns are smart and they would like to avoid this kind of situations. So do not worry. Another advice do not talk to other people from work about him. Pretend that he does not exist. And never never say anything bad about him as long as you are working with him. He could be pretty nasty if he found out. I hope it helped a bit.