Words of Wisdom Seriously Needed!!!

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#1 May 19 - 10AM
Kiwi2005
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Words of Wisdom Seriously Needed!!!

Hey everyone!!!

I’m in desperate need for some words of wisdom! You guys are always good at snapping me back to reality!

I promised myself yesterday that I wouldn’t allow myself to beat me up- but I’m pretty much down on the floor and NOT moving… I know why and that too is my fault- I added the idiot to my fake FB account (whether or not I delete him right this second- won’t change what I saw) and that alone brought back HAPPY times- don’t even know how! At first I looked at his pics and tried to figure out why I looked at him twice? Then I woke up this morning, actually no, I COULDN’T even wake up this morning and I’m the type that I POP outta when on the first beep from my alarm  Someone PUNCH me!!!

I know what I need to know and I know what I need to do, but I can’t seem to get up from the last punch that I STOOD and took!!! And on top of that I’m having GOOD thoughts of him!?!? And now I’m even thinking about his family? And maybe I did them wrong by deleting them all off facebook when I was close to them? The Dad especially… I feel like an f-ing idiot!!!

I’m pretty much mind raping myself and beating the hell out of myself… I hate being so analytical… on a positive note: I'm not tempted to contact him but if he said something I'd tell him how much i love and miss him (OMG! Did I really type that? Okay fine, I"m being Honest though) =(

May 19 - 11PM
whoknew
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guilty too

honestly, i have not spoken to or seen my ex in 2 months but i have looked at his fb. i also have a fake account that i made months ago when i got the familiar suspicious feeling that he was cheating AGAIN. i just picked a random hot girl and made up a profile....a complete stranger but his ego and libido are so huge he couldnt resist and accepted "her/me" as a friend (shocker). anyways, i have used it to look at his profile. when i first started looking at it, i was devasted because i was not yet aware that he is a narc but if i look at it now...sometimes it hurts (not as bad) but mostly it reinforces what i now know. he is textbook and predictable and sometimes i just laugh my ass off. so i guess technically i am not 100% nc. just being honest.
May 20 - 8AM (Reply to #14)
Kiwi2005
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WhoKnew

You're so right, the first day I looked I was soo tough about it, but then it hit me that night and the next day (Thurs) I was a HOTT mess! But you're SO right... now that we can read them, its funny to see what they have to say about their everyday life... I REALIZE that the constant status updates aren't there to piss me off (as he doesn't know its me) but its MOSTLY there to get attentions from others. How sick, it must suck to not be able to TRUELY be happy and to have to fake your ENTIRE life... =)
May 19 - 10AM
wacaet
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facebook seems to be a

facebook seems to be a trigger for a lot of us I even went to his mom's page because she was the only one left whose pics I could still see. (I think he tells his family he has "stalkers" 'cause they all up'd their security after I found out about him). After reading on here that NC meant not just not contacting him but not googling, not looking at FB, not reading his ex's blog, nothing that could be a trigger, I stopped almost all of it (I still check the blog, can't seem to stop myself but she rarely posts). I don't want to think about him anymore!!!!!!
May 19 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
Kiwi2005
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wacaet

I know... In my mind NC means I didn't contact them, but its true, to be 100% NC it has to be NOTHING in connection with the NPD. I'm so not there, I never was there, I'll be there one day... Plenty of my buddies on here told me DONT DO IT or DELETE IT and nooooo I didn't... instead I looked through everything, made myself nauseous (didn't see anything bad, but saw everything between us) and woke up feeling like COMPLETE ASS this morning! I hate how we do this to ourselves, but I feel like I cannot help it! :( His family probably hides their stuff- because they're have NPD too? More than likely...
May 19 - 10AM
findingmeagain
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Hmmmm i did something bad yesterday

My ex N had a fake or first facebook account that I now have control over. I went on there and filled out the information revealing all his faults and how sick he is for people to see . I had it up for a little while then deactivsted it out of fear of getting in some legal trouble. It felt good to put it out there though.
May 19 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
Kiwi2005
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Findingmeagain

Ooo thats awesome! Mine changed his login within 10 hours of me ignoring- a big vagg, couldn't even be ignored for 10 hours, had to go through and change all his shit!
May 19 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
findingmeagain
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See mines doesn't do these

See mines doesn't do these things to me. He doesn't bother me like that I secretly wish he would. Now that he has this OW he doesn't really bother me but like once a month since he has been gone. The sad part is that I think he does this because he will know I want him back and try to use me because he is a broke azz now. that hurts because i thought we had a history but i see that , thats what i am now history lol. I'm starting to wonder if me breaking NC the other day is it getting to me.
May 19 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
Kiwi2005
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Findingmeagain

For a few days I wanted him to contact me so I can ignore his ass big time! However, I've come to realize with the help of friends on here and at home... that it's just not worth it. He f-ed me up in the head enough, in just a short period of time, so I cant ever let him back in. And as much as I might beat myself up... I hope I am strong enough to never let him in. Be happy that you broke NC and realized once again, how truely sick minded these soul-less people are. Good Luck!
May 19 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
dudette
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ha ha

that is actually very very funny! psml and so naughty as well but I do love it as long as you are not hurting yourself lady!
May 19 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
findingmeagain
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I put alot of shyt on there

I put alot of shyt on there lol if anyone was to see that they would know everything . he would be so mad and embarrashed. but i'm afraid he would take me to court for doing that so i deactivated it .
May 19 - 10AM
gratefuljen
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The man you love is not real, that is his false self.

My mind has known about the false self. I understand in my head about npd, and all of it's ramifications. When I broke nc last night, and texted him and then ended up calling him, I realized that my heart needs to catch up with my reasoning. It's called cognitive something. Not sure how to spell it. The longest distance is between the head and the heart. I have recommited myself to this process. I have a good support system, I fessed up to calling it this morning and am back on nc, day number one. I am taking nc much more seriously. It hurts me when I do. So I am not doing it amymore. I also think I need some professional help. Called to make an appointment. It feels good to take action, instead of staying in the problem. You guys have been a life line. Love to all Jen
May 19 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Kiwi2005
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Gratefuljen

Jen, I've been NC for 3 days (ha!) seems like a freaking lifetime and while one night I check my phone a million times last night I checked it none. The people on here are amazing! I honestly just feel like shit, NEVER in my life have I been caught up in crap like this- I'm pretty sure I'll be needing to make an appointment soon, I've needed to for months probably :( Thanks for the input :)
May 19 - 10AM
dudette
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Here is some tough wisdom hun

Get off the bloody faeces-book!!! Good luck ;-) D
May 19 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
Kiwi2005
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Dudette

Hey! At least you made me smile =)