Woke Up In Tears

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#1 Aug 8 - 7AM

Beach Dreamer

Woke Up In Tears

Have you ever just woke up in tears over your ex- N after NC. That happened to me this morning. I woke up as if he was present somehow to me. I felt like I could feel his presence. I wept realizing that I was having these feelings. I cried thinking I will never see him again.
I have to let go of him.
I can't let myself believe he meant a word of what he said to me. Why did he hurt me, abandon me? I read about Cognitive Dissonance this morning. I can see I have been suffering in my own Cognitive D.
I realize that it can never make any sense. But I wish it did. The only thing that does make sense to me is that he is a Narcissist. And that he played with me..... and PLAYED me. I lost him as a friend now because of his need to exploit me. We had been friends since we were 14 years old. I am in many ways maddest at him for ruining our friendship.
Well, that's just a piece of the ruins that he created and I am left with. Waking up in tears and feeling this deep pain made me wonder how am I really going to get over losing him? When will I wake up in tears again? This experience made me feel so out of control this morning. Because I didn't ask for it or bring it on by thinking or remembering...it was involuntary. LOL....I guess as it just now came to me ....all of this was INVOLUNTARY....I didn't ask for him to F-ck up my life...I didn't ask him to come back into my life, I didn't ask him to proclaim that he had romantic feelings for me, I didn't ask him to travel great distances to come see me, I didn't ask him to romantically seduce me with promises of our future together....I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY OF IT???? That's what is so truly baffling to me.... about all of it when I look back?
The strategy that he used to involve me was masterful. He had lot's of practice I am sure...I just didn't realize it. I thought it was unique and special from him to me....
It's left me in a funk today. I am trying keep active and put it behind me. I leave on vacation tomorrow. I hope to relax and see a new world without him being any part of it. I wish for this gray cloud to give way to the sunshine soon. I can talk the talk of what I read or think but the reality of how my spirit is still crushed and damaged was evident to me with this mornings involuntary tears.
*As I experience these things my heart goes out to all of you who suffer the same or worse. I feel sad and numb today...... BeachD

#2 Aug 8 - 5PM

strongblackcoffee

Beach

I said a prayer for you tonight that you are able to put this day to bed and wake up to a much better day tomorrow. Hugs! Coffee

#3 Aug 8 - 5PM

Arwen

Hi beach...so nice to meet

Hi beach...so nice to meet you on here. You wrote the story of what every one of us feels on here and for that I really thank you because I think so many of us echo your feelings, pain and complete shock over the lies, betrayed promises, the way they pushed and pushed and pushed to reel us in only to spring on us soon after like viscious leopards. You have helped a lot of us by writing this post. You were played by a master just as I was and we all were. You will heal slowly. I cry a lot now, like you, and it helps cause you have to go through the pain to heal. You are experiencing a lot of CD and that is the hallmark of being a victim of NPD. I am crying with you tonight and feeling your pain and also feeling grateful to read your honest and beautiful post. You are going to be great. Stick with us.

#4 Aug 8 - 9AM

beentheredonethat

I have been exactly where you are many times

Beach Dreamer. I am new this forum, trying to work up the nerve to post my story but had to respond to your post. My nightmares have been so frequent over the past 5 months that I have not slept throught the night since early March, 2011 and like you every time I dream about him, be it good, bad or ugly it brings back a flood of emotions, tears, hurt, anger that put a damper on the entire day as if the days aren't bad enough. I woke up Saturday morning and I swear I could smell him, I expected to see him next to me in the bed. I will say these dreams are not as frequent as they once were but still there and still very difficult to handle. I'm hoping very much that time will eventually heal and we will all be able to move forward. That is my prayer for all of us. These men need to be cut off from dating, especially dating websites. I feel the urge to warn other women now because I don't want anyone to go through this torment.

#5 Aug 8 - 9AM (Reply to #8)

58 and going strong

Dating websites seem to be

Dating websites seem to be the place where you find them galore . . . I was told by the police to let them know, and their answer was that they would watch to see if there would be other complaints about him . . . I have posted his name on dontdatehimgirl.com on July 28th, and by last night there were about 40 views already!! We can only hope that this helps prevent them from spreading misery.

#6 Aug 8 - 8AM

OneoftheEXs

Thanks for posting

Today I feel the same was as you. I couldn't cry in the morning because my daughter is sick so I have to get it together. But i feel your pain, as I still have it. I was thinking today and was praying, I just really want to get over this, I just really want to forget about it, I don't want this feeling of anger and rejection, and hurt, I want to be done. We had future plans just like you and he was the one who suggested all of it but in a mere couple of months, it changed to planning with someone else. No sorry nothing, even telling me he fell for the OW. Can you believe it? Did he really fall for her? How cruel bastard. I will pray for you, I know all of us will be fine. Wipe those tears away and force yourself to smile, even if the tears are still falling. Eventually it will work, you trick your body to thinking you are happy by smiling, and eventually you will feel it inside. Nothing to lose by trying right? You will see in the future that you will find someone who will make you extremely happy, and love you and your kids like its his own, and when you do meet this normal loving person, we expect you to tell us about it ok?

#7 Aug 8 - 8AM

indenial

i really feel your pain

That's just why its so difficult to get over. I'm sitting here thinking exactly the same as you. How does someone who pursued me and promised me a future and everything I wanted then fail to ever deliver any of it ? ! I didn't ask for any of it and I wanted to take things slow but he pushed and pushed and when it should have all been coming together he turned nasty. Really nasty. And he blamed me ! He promised me a baby. We had a couple of times in the beginning when my period was late and I did pregnancy tests and he said he went in the bin after looking at them hoping they'd show positive. He talked about what our little girl would look like. He even promised to pay for ivf for me to have gender selection and then 19 months into our relationship I fell pregnant and he went distant right away and it ended with him telling me he was a shit father (truest words he ever said it turned out) and that we were never going to live together then he ignored me and pushed me away and then he said I hope it dies inside you and it resulted in me having an abortion alone without him even knowing. Yet I still took him back ! That was 10 months ago ! I find it so hard to marry the two sides of him. I just want to be free of it all. I'm scared to cry. I've bottled my tears up because I said I'd never cry for him again but I'm scared that it will come again. I hope your vacation brings you a renewed energy and peace from this turmoil x

#8 Aug 8 - 8AM

spinning

Beautiful Beach Dreamer,

you are allowed to feel hurt. YOU WERE HURT. YOU WERE ABUSED BY A MASTER. YOU DID NOT ASK FOR ANY OF IT. Okay. Now know that recognizing this and stopping the madness is the best thing you could have done for yourself. You are no longer choosing to risk losing yourself to the disordered, to a person who is incapable of feeling, to a person who is only concerned with himself. Beach Dreamer. It's not you! It truly is ALL ABUOT HIM. So here are the consequences of his choice to treat you poorly, to lie to and manipulate you: HE WILL NEVER EVER HAVE YOU AGAIN. HE WILL NEVER HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL HEART, MIND, BODY. That is the price he is paying, will pay and it is truly his loss. He chose it, not you. You can no longer be hurt by him. You can no longer be confused by him. You can no longer be misled and manipulated by him. You know who and what he is now and you don't want it. Why would you want something so painful? Remember your beautiful mantra, I'll paraphrase: "I am happy and blessed that this madness is gone from my life." Keep remembering that because it is the truth. I'm nine months out BD and beautiful, beautiful things are happening in my life because I have swept out the disordered one inch by inch. It has made room for the good things to enter in. What we focus on becomes our reality. You know that. I hope this helps some, BD. It is a process and crying is part of it. Let it out. It means healing is taking place. Then remember that this is all about you now, you and what you will gain by ridding your life of the darkness the disordered one brings. Peace and hugs and good vibes for clarity and strength from, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE. I CHOOSE MYSELF. I WILL NOT GO DOWN FOR ANY MAN, FOR ANYONE.

spinning

#9 Aug 8 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

Beach Dreamer

spinning

Bless your heart...I cried after I read your response...I am hurting today...for sure...I am sad and mourning *It's not about feeling sorry for myself it's about feeling the pain...and for some reason, today the pain has surfaced. I pray everyday that I continue to have the strength and insight to heal and move on....which I am. *And YES,,, :) "I deserve to be HAPPY and HEALTHY and LOVED without my N in my life" YES!! YES!! YES!!

#10 Aug 8 - 8AM

Hunter

Beach dreamer

:( This is part of the process and it sucks! None of this is fair but it is fixable with NC & Time! Today I saw my co worker who lost her two month old baby, she smothered her as they slept, she goes to see her child ( or should i say her tumb) everyday after work! She is doing the best she can! That is not a fixable problem! Why her? We do our best in life, we must take the good with the bad! In this case knowledge is power,it takes takes time, as you too are mourning a death! Hunter

#11 Aug 8 - 7AM

sunrise

I am to am dealing with the

I am to am dealing with the same stuff! I met mine when I was 15! Married for 16 years with a couple of kids. He walked out on all of us and using the kids as his little pawns. I wake up non stop through the night with my mind spinning. I keep going over the words I read in this forum to help it all make sense to me. I don't know if you believe in God or a higher power but I do and I find myself praying each time I have these feelings. Because I know that with the strength of God I can overcome this! And I say a few choice swear words in my head about him! LOL May we all continue on this healing path. I read those people who are further down the road than I am and it gives me HOPE! I hope you will get the peace and the sunshine soon! Know that there are others in the same spot.

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