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The wind out of your sails...

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#1 Jan 10 - 2PM
narcissizednomore
narcissizednomore's picture

The wind out of your sails...

I could never share happy, positive news about events with him. Always felt he would come back with a sarcastic comment that would take the wind out of my sails so I mostly avoided sharing things that I found fulfilling about my life.

Was this what you experienced too?

Just having so many flash backs of this part of his disorder. The jealousy he had for everyone and everything was unbelievable.

One example of hundreds: I once told him I had a great round of golf at a ladies night where there were at least 130 women, good dinner, lots of prizes etc. And he said, "Ah, it was probably just a bunch of old ladies"

I was stunned. Am I being petty by feeling hurt by this? I told him that wasn't true at all..mostly women in their 30's and 40's.

Jan 10 - 9PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Yes, they say things out of jealousy

Yes, they say things out of jeaousy, when the spotlight isn't tot otally on them. They can't handle it. They enter into a mode where they undercut, make comments, degrade designed to "take the wind out of one's sales" to get you to fold,,,why,,,so they can be the ones in control. That is all they want. They are masters at trying to knock people down, friends, family, co-workers. Stay away from them and anyone who has any connection with them. Yuck...they are only meant to try and destroy the good in people...let your good dominate, so much more effective..
Jan 10 - 6PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

All the time... from a teacher

I think this stings the most because the psychopath I dealt with was my teacher... and we always assume teachers ENCOURAGE their students, want them to do their best, to excel. We look at inspiring teachers such as Annie Sullivan, Jaime Escalante, and fictional ones like Mr. Holland and Mr. Chips. We take it for granted. I took it for granted... until I met the ex-Psych professor. -He offered very little help when he was my essay advisor. He'd give me some empty flattery, and be anal-retentive about formatting. Trying to engage with him in philosophical dialogue was impossible. -He was paranoid about me becoming a journalist and "outing" him. When I wrote an article for the college newspaper my junior year, I think that was one of the nails in the coffin. And then I decided to "out" myself as a journalist years after the D&D, not only to him but to his colleagues. I am sure that went over well. -He discouraged me from volunteering at a local school. He despised children, calling them urchins and snot-nosed. I did it anyhow. -During my senior essay oral examination, he was on the committee, and he fidgeted and goofed off. I ignored his antics... and he made a fool of himself. I listened to the other professors, and didn't give him attention. -He claimed he was an expert on St. Augustine's "Confessions." I did my senior essay on Augustine's "Confessions." He NEVER wrote on Augustine again. Wow, did I have the power to taint something for him? Did I actually ruin it? Am I that kind of goddess?
Jan 10 - 3PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Oh, definitely. Every

Oh, definitely. Every time. What confused me was that to my face he would either stare straight ahead as if he didn't hear me, or make some disdainful quip . . . but he'd go and BRAG about my accomplishments to other people! For the longest time I accepted that as his "praise of me". I had no idea he was stealing my glory for himself. It wouldn't "do" to have me getting too big for my britches.
Jan 10 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
really
really's picture

Wow, Bri -

What you said about his "praise of [you]" rings so true. My best example was my MBA graduation. He told people about it, often in front of me, people I didn't even know. I hesitated to invite him to the ceremony because he was always so competitive and never seemed interested. He asked if he could come. He bought new clothes to wear and drove me there. We passed our neighbors on the way and he stopped to tell them where we were going. He helped me plan my big party and took care of a lot of it himself. He gave me $500 for my graduation. Sounds like a guy who cares, right?! It didn't dawn on me until after he was really gone, that it was all for him.
Jan 10 - 2PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Negative

Yep. He was always so negative. Nasty little comments all the time, and the attitude that he had no obligation to worry about your feelings as such, so it was OK to be as cruel as he wanted - you were just supposed to deal with it, and if you couldn't it was proof you were weak.
Jan 10 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
narcissizednomore
narcissizednomore's picture

Yes, he accused me of being

Yes, he accused me of being overly-sensitive whenever I told him he said or did something hurtful. Ugh. Just kicking myself that I once thought I could make him understand how he makes others feel. They never 'get it' and it always becomes our problem. He once banged on my door so loud, scaring the hell out of me and my daughter, but his intention was to get a reaction out of me. He found it amusing. When I asked why he would do such a thing his excuses were that my music was always loud so I may not hear the doorbell and that he had fixed that door in the past so it was all ok and justified in his mind. I told him I don't care about the door, what about the people on the other side of the door, how do you think they feel? He didn't get it. Mind-boggling how N's are incapable of caring.

narcissizednomore

Jan 10 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Didn't get it

For me, the really odd part was that it wasn't so much that he didn't get it, it was that he actually saw "getting it" as being some strange abnormality of people in general. He had this strange attitude that people who cared about others were doing it because it was...I dunno, thinking back it was like he thought they'd been brainwashed into it during their upbringing and that it wasn't really normal, or something. And that he was more "enlightened" in some way by being above all that. His view seemed to be that it was better to only care about others if you really felt like it, rather than on any instinctive level. It was really bizarre.
Jan 10 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Not "getting it"

I think this was one of the nails in the coffin of the relationship between the ex-Psych professor and I. I had decided to volunteer at a local elementary school... and he was mad that I wasn't making $$$. When I asked him what HIS advice was, I got the silent treatment. Thankfully, my friends&family supported my choice to volunteer. He'd refer to the kids as "snot-nosed" and "urchins." He hated children... how odd after the D&D, he fathered twins. Ouch. Karma bites. We had arguments where I was the one who ended it&would walk off with my nose in the air (imitating him) I'd be the one with the last word, and he was the TEACHER, being embarrassed in front of his students. Since lots of his students disliked him, they were practically high-fiving me for giving him his comeuppance. He claimed that I was nice to him in order to feel better about mySELF. He saw kindness as self-serving and/or enabling. He used a quote I later found out was from Charles Darwin, that people relieve the pain of others to heal the pain within themselves. Darwin was essentially extolling compassion&altruism as evolutionary advantages. He thought he was "enlightened" too. One of his favorite Arthur Schopenhauer quotes is that women feel sympathy towards the unfortunate... because they're weak.
Jan 10 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
narcissizednomore
narcissizednomore's picture

I agree with that, same

I agree with that, same thing with my N. They seem to only care about others if it makes them look good. Like they are everyone's savior or something. They are masters at faking empathy.

narcissizednomore

Jan 10 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
Journey
Journey's picture

Oh exactly!

You've just described my exN!! That guise of enlightenment really screwed me up because there is an element of truth to it which he abuses. He knows the path and acts like he's on it, but only because it gives him a better excuse to leave whenever he wants and to not really care about the effect his lack of caring and behavior has on others. To him, if we are fools enough to be hurt by what he does when he is only doing what feels natural to him, then that is our problem for expecting something else because of societal conditioning and our attachment to external sources for fulfillment. He would use this stance to manipulate me into thinking I was not enlightened enough because I did have feelings that were vulnerable and affected by his demonstrated lack of them. Journey on...

Journey on...

Jan 10 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
therose
therose's picture

Because of the short time..

I was with him (eight months but mostly under two weks face time) I hadn't really experienced this but I think it was on its way. When I first competed last spring and it was only two months into our relationship, he was SO proud we had won three awards. He even wanted to be therre with me and give me a big hug. He seemed very proud of me for what I was doing, and if I was overstressed, he helped cal md down and was there for me. In this way, I truly felt he loved me and cared,b ut soon this class was starting to bother him, saying it is the reason I hadn't moved up. It was more than he needed to comed down to see my dad and at least try to make some effort so we could be married in the right way. But he would get angry about it, in a text he said, "I knwo you have SIFE, but we need you. I NEED YOU." So, I started to feel guilty for something that made me so happy. When he dumped me, i was on a trip to Los Angeles for SIFE, something I was really excited about. And I got so sick I missed the whole event, including all the countries tha thad come together to compete and perform. Sometimes I think he knew exactly what he was doing. Sigh... M

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