Will I get there?

RubyWoo This might help. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkuP_cwasLQ&feature=related

I am sorry for the nightmare your life presently is. I've no idea whether you will eventually stop loving your guy, since I still love mine. We cannot and must not force our feelings, but we can decide to not act on them. I'm sure though that while you may still miss him waking up, one day you will also feel relief because he can no longer hurt you. It may take ages to get there, RubyWoo, but making slow progress is better than standing still. For now you cannot possibly have the energy to work through that relationship while your father has only a little while left. I lost my Dad a while ago and every minute you have with yours will be precious. Give yourself and him what time you have left together. Later, maybe much later, you may come to see that even the darkest cloud has a tiny silver lining. This may be that you will realise that you truly do not need a cold man, who was not by your side when you needed him most. Take care of yourself. At such times we tend to support all of the family and forget about ourselves. Remember we are here for you. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your father.

with all that posted he probably pulled away because all your focus is not on him. They are so completely self absorbed that anything that takes attention from them they see as a threat. I hope that your father has had a wonderful life and it sounds as though he had real partners in his journey with your mother and yourself. I'm certain that brings to him great comfort. This is something your N will never have. They are never at peace, and unfortunately it is of their own doing. Continue to give your love and attention to the people who truly need and appreciate it. Allowing this man to use it only for his sort lived satisfaction is moot. Take Care, Ruby

I won't go into detail right now about the lowest of the low I had gotten to at the end of my relationship, but like you, I also felt little reason to go on because I was so devastated. PLEASE see your therapist again and explain to him/her that you think he is NPD. Make sure they understand the impact of being in a relationship with a pathological personality and consider finding a new therapist if they don't 'get it'. Your feelings right now are very much like many of us have experienced and some therapists are better than others for helping in this case. It is NOT your fault - none of it. I was so filled with self blame, I felt like I was completely broken and had lost my soul mate through my own doing. I cried everyday, sometimes off and on ALL day - but the tears will stop - trust me, they will. I didn't realize my ex was a narc until a year after he left. Once I fully began to comprehend all that entailed, my healing truly began. It has been a long process of recovery, but everyone on this forum and my closest friends have been a life savior and I truly feel blessed now for everyone here and for those in my life who do care about me. His disorder is what controls him and he projects it out onto you. He will not change and there is NOTHING you could have done, or can do now to fix him. No one else can do it other, he will never be happy in a real way, he will always idealize, devalue and discard ANYONE he gets close to. My exN left me too, it was his decision. I was so crushed by it, but now I am grateful he did. I was so beaten down emotionally, I could not think or see straight what was happening to me. He did 'great things' for me too... until he did the worst things... a devalue and discard that had me reeling in pain, a mere shadow of the person I was. I am NOT IN PAIN now!! It will go away and you WILL feel better again!! Please don't allow him to keep hurting you, forgive yourself for whatever you think you've done 'wrong' - NOTHING is right for a narc. They'll twist everything around because that is part of THEIR SICKNESS. I'm so sorry again about your father and I agree also with others. Find comfort with your mother, be there for BOTH of them and feel THEIR love which is real. Narc's love is all about them, they are not capable of deep emotion or true intimacy. It may seem to be real, but that is part of the illusion THEY create with us. My life is so much better now that I'm on the other side of narc - yours will be too!! Trust that, please! and keep reading, posting here and please see your therapist again. You deserve your happiness back! - it WILL return and soon when the fog is clearing, you WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT YOUR NARC filling your heart and mind with so much pain and toxicity. We are here and WE CARE ABOUT YOU!!! (((((((((HUGS!)))))))))

Ruby you are facing a serious double whammy here, and that you are realing and trying to find your feet again is totally normal. I'm a week out from the Break Up decision with my Narc, but really I've months and months to think about it. It is largely my decision and I've got someone to go through this with (it's the end of a Poly relationship and Mrs. Ind and I are better than we have ever been. Mr. Ind is going away). So there are somethings that you should hear, and you should remind yourself of often. 1. You are not broken. You are hurt, you are wounded. you are suffering. The ground feels like it is shifting under your feet. You will probably spend many days feeling broken. You are not. You are only wounded and you need time to heal. 2. Normal is a setting on a dryer. So you will feel like you are constantly reaching for normalcy, but normalcy isn't something that ever stays. So rather than trying to go back to your normal create a new one. The old one is gone. 3. You are not alone. For me this is huge. Knowing that there are others out there going through the same thing, experiencing the same pain and emotion. Having been fooled by the same lies. 4. You did not fail. Ruby you could spend your mornings rescuing puppies, your afternoons saving lives and then come home and clean the house top to bottom, prepare a gourmet dinner. You could dazzle him with the highest quality intellectual conversation and then take him into the bedroom and blow his mind with acrobatic adventures that are the stuff of legends. It would not be enough. It will never ever be enough. Do yourself a favor and read "how to live with a narcissist". Realize that only a complete subsumation of your entire being is enough, and even then. It's not enough. You. Did. Not. Fail.

Hello Ruby, and welcome to the forum. I can assure you that one day you will find yourself free of all this anguish and pain. The answers you are looking for, you will find during your journey. Believe it or not, this feeling that you are feeling, the darkness you are experiencing, will all be but a distant memory eventually. It's a long road but one worth taking. I am so sorry to hear of your Fathers illness. I hope he is as comfortable as possible and that is is surrounded by loved ones. Don't spend too much time wondering why narc isn't there for you right now, you will have those answers soon enough. Be there for your Dad right now, he is who matters. Love him, cherish him, and keep him in your heart. Otherwise, you will be filled with quilt and regret.............all because of a man that was only an illusion to begin with. All these things, you will learn in a short period of time. My best to you and yours during this sad and difficult time. We are all here, ready for you when you need us.

I was once asking the same questions and now it feels very different than it used to. The longing I used to feel has dissipated and having those answers don't matter to me anymore because the man I loved didn't really exist and definitely doesn't anymore. Your honeymoon period seems to have lasted longer than most, but apparently others experience it for longer too. I didn't, but I think it depends on the dynamics of your relationship. In mine, it was when I first showed a neediness to him about 4 months in which knocked me off the pedestal of idealizing. After that it went back and forth, push-pull a lot until the final devaluing and discard (D&D). I'm sorry about your father :( It strikes me that your N might be pulling away now because you have needs around this that if he is NPD, he just CAN NOT deal with. Showing weakness or emotional needs will often make them retreat since they can't empathize and YOU aren't being good supply to HIM anymore since you have needs of your own that he feels 'forced' to deal with. That is likely why he'd rather be out with his 'new friends'. Mine did the same thing toward the end. Narcs are ultimately cowards. You said the past months are blurry to you - that is what we generally call being in the narc fog. It is hard to get clarity in this phase because they are constantly changing their minds, the rules and their responses, so we never know what is really going on causing a lot of anxiety in us and confusion. It all becomes unpredictable and emotionally unstable. What he is doing now is typical of a narc that wants to find other sources of supply, since your supply to him is not as forthcoming with your attention focused on your concern and sadness regarding your father. Narcs can't stand not having the attention... it is all about them in their world. Clarity is hard to get while surrounded by the fog, it is much easier to see what is really going on if you can step out of it for awhile which is why no contact is so vital in healing once the decision is made to leave, or if they leave. Read and read more about narcs and the behavior their disorder causes. He sounds like one to me and if he is, it may continue to get worse for you. Stay close to the forum and keep learning. We're here for you!! ((hugs))