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Will I ever be good enough

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#1 Nov 16 - 10AM
Hermes
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Will I ever be good enough

That is the title of a book by Dr. Karyl McBride

A review:

"Growing up with a narcissistic mother makes women high-achievers or self-sabotagers, though McBride points out that all such daughters sabotage themselves. The motivations of these two types are not mutually exclusive but stem from a common denominator: “Both have internalized the message that they are valued for what they do, rather than for who they are.” In this way, learned responses, such as dependent and codependent behaviors, can swap places or act in combination with each other.

This flexibility forms an important backbone to the book. McBride illustrates the many ways in which damage from maternal narcissism can manifest and can change to fit different circumstances. She makes sense of behaviors that often seem crazy-making and contradictory, tracing them to a daughter’s underlying belief system that love means “pleasing another with no return for herself.”

The parental hierarchy and boundaries one finds in a healthy family are missing in a family where everyone revolves around a narcissistic mother. Furthermore, that dynamic is kept secret because how something looks is treated as more important than how it feels. Daughters raised in an environment lacking unconditional love, empathy, and security seek to fill that void however they can.

Nov 16 - 5PM
brinamarie
brinamarie's picture

Hermes & Layla -

I too was raised by a N Mom, who did wayy more damage than any N Bf EVER could... And at 25, i'm now realizing that the emotional abuse, instability, and suffering I endured for 19 years has made me susceptible and attracted to toxic relationships with N men. I actually found THIS website before finding Lisa Scott's... Maybe you can find it useful! http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ this website points out that adult daughters of N moms suffer from low self-esteem, chronic fatigue syndrome, among others. here's to healing sisters. xoxo
Nov 16 - 7PM (Reply to #12)
Layla
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Thank you, brinamarie!

I have never seen this site before! Thank you so much for sharing with us! love~ Layla
Nov 16 - 3PM
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Layla and everyone

Thank you for kind words. For me too it was eye-opening to read that not everyone (indeed many) do not and did not have good parents. I consider myself so so fortunate. Both my parents are now dead. I so miss my Dad, as we were very alike. In a way it was good that he was not around when N-catastrophe hit, and I found myself in those difficult straits. It would have broken his heart. Mother was still alive at the time, but I managed to keep the whole awful situation from her. She was not that well at the time, and I just couldn't bear to break down before her. It was so hard. I know full well though that she knew something was up. My parents were so supportive and kind always, they were very stable, very sensible. My mother did not marry till she was 34. She had a career and was out in the world, at a time when that was more unusual. But her father, my grandfather also though like that. Advanced for the time. Dad was 40. It was a first and only marriage for them both. So they knew the ropes. L. Hermes
Nov 16 - 1PM
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

I need to read this book

My mother is also the original N in my FOO but my family is filled with dysfunction. I am struggling to deprogram as well because I feel like I've missed some crucial information in childhood that others received. I just don't know what it is. I also am a "doer" and this sentence fits me perfectly: “Both have internalized the message that they are valued for what they do, rather than for who they are.” Thanks for passing this along, Hermes!
Nov 16 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Other stuff on same topic

It is well worth while to look in on this site, and read the essays. Very illuminating, for sure. www.voicelessness.com In essence, it is about people who had no "voice" in childhood. People think of childhood abuse and think physical abuse, being neglected, left out in the cold, and so on. But voicelessness is just as, if not more, harmful. Hermes
Nov 16 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Thanks for the link

I have done a little bit of reading on voicelessness but find it triggers me. Good indicator that it is an area for me to focus on!
Nov 16 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

How did we miss this?

But then again my mother was always everybody's favourite over my dad. My dad was the silent type and worked very hard for his family but on weekends loved a drink and then would rage about all the stuff that had gone on during the week. Usually because my mum would repeatedly tell him how we had misbehaved. She never really protected us. It was always about how unfairly she was treated. She was quite irresponsible - would prefer to be out of the house rather than in it and we children would do most of the real chores. She always told me I was too particular which I wasn't I just wanted things done properly. She never understood that concept. Now I think about it. She is so like the ex-N. The exterior mask was always of a kind, considerate person but maybe deep down she was just so discontent with her lot that she hated it (and maybe us too). She was never really maternal or nurturing. God, what a revelation. All of us girls took care of her. She had been brought up by her grandmother and had been spoilt over her siblings. Sins if thy mother comes to mind. Now I realise that my father had been quite a saint. Dee x
Nov 16 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Your mom sounds very N-like

My dad was the strong, silent type too who worked all the time. He didn't drink much - he just avoided being home so he didn't have to deal with my mother. My mother is very clearly N with some BPD thrown in just for good times. My childhood was a horrible experience and I have significant memory loss of much of those years and suffered severe PTSD when I finally left and went to college. This breakthrough could open a lot of doors for you, Dee. Realizing that we were conditioned by our parents to be accepting of N behaviour/relationships was a stunning revelation for me.
Nov 16 - 1PM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

OMG - I would never have thought

of my mother being a N. But what you have described is me to a "T". I remember going to dinner with a bf, his mother and my mother. All very pleasant, my mum was good company. BUT, my mother said something along the lines of "whoever gets Dee will be so lucky because she is a great housewife etc, etc". This was in the 1980s not 1880. I was dumbfounded that my mother just thought of me as some kind of servant to serve a man. My mother's domestic duties left a lot to be desired - very slapdash (but to be fair we were a family of 10) - but I was always seen as the do'er, her little maid. Even down to making all the cakes on a regular basis and baking everything for Christmas from a very young age. I have always felt that once I reached 16 I was kinda put into a dinghy and left to weather any storm. I remember even saying those words to a therapist years ago. My parents had both died by the time I was 25 (29 years ago) so my exposure was minimal but it has still left a residual pattern in my relationships. Knowledge is power but I also have to say that I forgave both my parents years ago for the impact they had had on me because I knew that to move forward I had to do so. Thanks you Hermes, very illuminating but at the same time very sad. But that's what being on this site is about, revisiting such episodes from years ago which may have been the reason why we ended up with the P/N. Dee x
Nov 16 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

If you were subject

to your parents from birth to age 25 they had SUBSTANTIAL influence over you. Birth to age 3 is where it all goes right or wrong.
Nov 16 - 12PM
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture

This is me all the way. Also,

This is me all the way. Also, "Daughters of Narcisistic Mothers" is an interesting read I suposse, I have read only fragments of the book, but it still helped after heavy D&Ds. They say daughters of Narcisistic mothers/parents learn to rebirth a second time, when they learn to see beauty in themselfs. Hope that will be true for me one day. Growing with self absorbed parents is like seeing yourself in black mirrors! Nothing reflects back..that is why is so hard to "deprogramm" ourselfs, and that is one of the reasons we seek Narcisistic lovers, we seek what is familiar, we seek "home". Thank you for sharing, Hermes!
Nov 16 - 12PM
Layla
Layla's picture

Wow, this sounds like ME!!!

My mother is my original "N" from my FOO.....thank you for this book suggestion! I read this and it describes me perfectly...wow! Hermes, I just want to thank you for such great posts and reading material since you have joined this site. I really appreciate you!! You 'get it" and it shows! love~ Layla