Why would he have called so many times, but not leave a message?

39 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 25 - 11PM

Caligirl

Why would he have called so many times, but not leave a message?

Something I've been wondering is why did he d&d me, left for work for a week (I lived with him), and then called me so many times without a message? If I was such an awful and "crazy" gf, why keep calling me, and no messages? He told me to pack before leaving, so I did (he just didn't know I would leave too). His sister came by to check on me once and saw me packing and told him I'm sure. His first message was a trumped up call regarding needing to know when the utility bill came in. When it came two days later, I relayed it through his sister, but he STILL KEPT calling. I really need some thoughts about why and why no message. It has bugged me for quite some time. Please help!

#2 Sep 26 - 8PM

Sparrow

He is disordered. That's the

He is disordered. That's the sad part. If only he wasn't...........but he is.

#3 Sep 26 - 8PM

ruby01 (not verified)

Caligirl

I think if you don't answer they don't leave a message. That way when you call back they can say they didn't mean to call you. Mine did it all the time. He'd say he was calling his sister and called me by accident. It's just a stupid head game.

#4 Sep 26 - 4PM

Sparrow

He is mental and wants to

He is mental and wants to continue to be in your head. He is not right. Stay NC, don't take his calls. He will tire of it and move it on down the line, if he hasn't already. He sounds to me like he enjoys tormenting or harrassing you.

#5 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #34)

Caligirl

Sparrow

I think my post wasn't very clear, sorry. He isn't calling me now. Only in the first week, before I had left. I often have wondered what he wanted, and it plagues me every now and again:( It makes me want to break NC, but it's not like I want him or would go back. I just have some unanswered questions, and that would be the only way to answers. Buutt, I've opened that Pandora's Box before, and when I do, I get burned. So, I'm not sure why it matters, except maybe when I doubt how disordered he really is perhaps and possibly lingering hope, even despite that everything I've read correlates that he is one sick dude! Thanks!

#6 Sep 26 - 6PM (Reply to #35)

Done sourcing

Sparrow, you deserve to

Sparrow, you deserve to continue to be a free bird. I know you know that you won't get any unanswered questions answered from the assclown narc. He would love to give you answers, like it's all your fault, you are the problem, etc lie etc lie. I wanted closure so bad, and wanted to know the truth so bad. She, the narc, doesn't have the kind of awareness to give me what I wanted and needed. Now I get closure by staying nc, and have done it even with a kid shared 50/50. Lingering hope is part of the normal process of healing. It was magical thinking residue, not a problem if we stay nc. Tomorrow might be different for me, but today I feel indifferent and unconcerned about her. If she calls I won't answer. If she emails I will read it to a friend, and if appropriate I will respond if it concerns the child we share. All other comments or remarks made by her are ignored, as that is as close as I can come to nc. ds

#7 Sep 26 - 7PM (Reply to #36)

Caligirl

Done Sourcing

Thank you for that message, which I know was to me, Caligirl, but that's ok, bc I do need to be a free bird!! We all do from these blood-sucking leeches. Right now, I feel anything but free. This man grabbed a hold of my mind and heart and somehow I cannot shake him. I wish to God I had never met him! You are so right about not getting any answers from this "assclown" bc he would never answer my questions in the past. It was always evasion, vague responses, humor, turn it back around on me or respond with a question. I once told him you speak out both sides of your mouth. He often responded with platitudes to pacify me. You're also right in saying they don't have the self-awareness to respond, and sadly this is why I always felt like we never resolved any of our issues and why I was often confused and uncertain. So, no doubt, it would be the same. I also felt like I could not talk candidly and be open as he would somehow use it against me, and it was constant blame. I'm still grappling with closure, I suppose, and having moments of magical thinking that somehow we could have made it, if only we truly talked and communicated, but that never really happened. He was always distracting, changing topics, and sabotaging any attempts I made. If I made headway, and you could tell I had made a good point, he hung up. They frustrate to no end, and who knows why, when communication is supposed to be for understanding. I applaud you for your NC except to co-parent your little girl, and how tough that must be! Having grown up with a N mother, who at times ridiculed us and then relied on us (as she is from another country and English was her second language), my heart goes out to you. Congrats on reaching indifference, and I hope it continues, and I hope to be there soon! Thank you. -Caligirl

#8 Sep 26 - 2PM

onwithmylife

they do it

because they are fearful, scared, frightened, cowards who are scared stiff of women thanks to their mommies when they were little toddlers, they hate and fear all women ..

#9 Sep 26 - 3PM (Reply to #30)

Caligirl

OWML

I did get a feeling he was scared like a little boy, when his strict mommy has caught him doing something bad. He knew his behavior was unacceptable to me when I did not answer the first two calls or return his phony "call me about the bill" call. I NEVER purposely instigated the ST on him. I was always available to him.The more I did not pick up, the more scared he may have become. I mean, we know they can't love, but he may have feared losing me. Ironically, I gave him more than I have given any man by putting up with his abuse, which I called him out on before my d&d. Thanks.

#10 Sep 26 - 4PM (Reply to #31)

onwithmylife

Caligirl for you!!!!

the reason i said they are so scared and frightened of women is because, once 4 months after he dumped me for the billionth time, he called me out of the blue one late October day and said in a confessional tone of voice," onwithmylife I am scared of women and mentioned wife #3 and one of the older daughters" and I said you do not have to be scared of me, not knowing anything about NPD.He said nothing more about it, chilling I thought.Shows how fucked up they are in their minds............also early on i said to him' you abandon mefirst out of fear I will abandon you,"he looked at him smiling knowingly because i understood him for a few minutes.

#11 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #32)

Caligirl

OWML

Yep, sounds like mine. Abandon first, and women are all out to get him or use him or both. Funny how I even appear to not be someone to fear, petite, gentle looking...and NOTHING like ANY of his ex-wives. Not to offend anyone, but they were large women, and the third ex-wife looked tough and rode a harley. Then, there's me petite, sweet looking...but it all just shows that they do what they do, and it's just ingrained in them, that they're really f'd up. Course, my looks might defy my quick wit and mouth;) lol.

#12 Sep 26 - 2PM

Hunter

What DS said! They are F'n

What DS said! They are F'n crazy! You are not dealing with normal! I come off as hard ,but honestly every trick these idiots do has been pulled on me! Every one!! I'm always a day late and a dollar short in the learning dept. When you know better you do better! Look, he's calling with no message to fuck with you, to keep you in the game of insanity! Again, same narc different body! He waiting for you to call and say " did you call"? His response "no" then it all goes down the drain.. It's an opening for a D&D eg. " youre so insecure why would I bother with you" blah blah blah! you know better So Don't respond! Leave the Cheese In the trap! Hunter

#13 Sep 26 - 3PM (Reply to #26)

Caligirl

Hunter

Thanks for the response. No, you weren't hard. He IS f'n crazy, lol! I think you're right, he was trying to keep me in the insanity, and I honestly think that is just how most of his r/sh!ts have been. But my post was a bit unclear I think. He was calling me the FIRST week, before he knew I left. He chose to d&d me, and was doing the push/pull, threats, manipulation, and emotional abuse leading up to it. Then, he threatens me to pack (even though he said I was always threatening to take my "marbles" (his word) which I wasn't). He said he'd have enough to pay for my move in two weeks (I believe. He felt he had to pay I guess, even though I paid to move there). Then, he left for a week (which I knew), and kept calling me that week. If I would've called back, probably would've been more like...Me: "What do you want?" Him: "What are you doing?" Me: "Packing, like you said, so I can leave." Him: Silence. And I often wonder if I had, if what he would've said was, "Don't go. Wait til I get back.I love you." He was pretty pissed when he left (and I feel something riled him up, maybe these innocent texts). I'm sure it's all for the best. He had a poor, rough childhood, and mine wasn't exactly great, but not as poor. My life had not been as tough, and we are completely different people. For one, he is disordered, as a NP, and nothing can change THAT. Thanks again.

#14 Sep 26 - 3PM (Reply to #27)

Hunter

Bottom line.. He's crazy and

Bottom line.. He's crazy and an abuser, you're not !! NC for you!! I'm tired of hearing about being abused as children., stand up and take responsibility for God sake!! We all know right from wrong and these assholes do too! Men have Balls it's about time they use them properly!! Sorry, just annoyed today!! I know plenty of non narc people that were abused! Hunter

#15 Sep 26 - 3PM (Reply to #28)

Caligirl

Hunter

That put a smile on my face. Yes, your bottomline, so true! "N/C for you!!" sounds almost like the line from the Soup Nazi in Seinfield saying "No soup for you!!' Haha. Yes, nothing can change that he is an abuser and a total narcboy. He didn't man-up that week, and it was like I knew it in my heart that he couldn't/wouldn't, whatever. I know he is a N, went back to contacting a couple of old NS gf's after I left. Yeh, I hear what you're saying about non-narcs who were abused. Thanx:)

#16 Sep 26 - 12PM

Done sourcing

They do it for attention,

They do it for attention, they do it because they are disordered, they do it because they care only about themselves, they do it because they can! We go nc because it is the only thing that works with them. No matter what we stay nc then we have given no supply or support to their evil game. What they do doesn't have to make sense to us when we have a good plan for healing, and nc is that plan. Be safe and stay nc for your mantal and emotional health!!! ds

#17 Sep 26 - 12PM (Reply to #24)

Caligirl

DS, thank you!

It is so sick that they mess with peoples' hearts and minds and have no shame. There sense of entitlement and callousness sickens me. I think the mind must be very resilient, bc I almost instinctively told myself "n/c" without knowing, but I saw how evil he was in our last few exchanges, and said to myself, "no more." I could tell he was wearing me down, mentally and emotionally, and I was physically drained too. Whatever he wanted, it was surely about him, as it always was. Keep moving forward I guess. Onward and upward!

#18 Sep 26 - 12AM

Sunafterrain

OH Cali, cali, cali girl....

have you not read my recent posts? Mine did the same. For a month. Never left a message and when my son answered, he hung up. One of the posters here just mentioned something that makes sense enough to me. He wants you to call HIM, grove, grovel, grovel. I know that mine, knew that i knew it was him, but he wasn't going to say anything if I answered either, and I didn't want to talk to him. He's newly married and really, it's high school to be calling a former gf, playing stoooopid games like that huh? They're such children. I really love NC. Even though the calls triggered me, really bad, I never answered them. They abruptly stopped. I'm just not that much of a poison container anymore. I'm sure he's bored. Let it go. NOt worth being triggered over (of course easier said than done).

#19 Sep 26 - 12AM (Reply to #22)

gettinbetter

which reminds me that round

which reminds me that round one with the narc long before caller Id he would call me at around 2 am on the weekends and hang up. He didnt know about star 69 as it had just come out. I would wait until the morning and I would star 69 and everytime it was him. I would ask did you call? No gettinbetter why would I call you. He did cause he wanted to make sure I was home and not sleeping somewhere else. He wanted to reassure himself that he still had me. As long as I was home I couldnt be involved in anything too serious. They just want to make sure their supply is still secure and not slipping away from them

#20 Sep 25 - 11PM

Susan32

Laziness

It's a lazy way to get NS. All the more reason to say NC. If he has nothing to say... don't bother to listen. Ns/Ps engage in crank calls.

#21 Sep 26 - 12AM (Reply to #14)

Caligirl

Susan32, thanx

It's just so beyond me. If I want to talk to someone and I had something to say, I would leave a message. He usually left me messages before that final d&d.

#22 Sep 26 - 12PM (Reply to #17)

Used

CALIGIRL

he is calling to see if you still kept your number...thats why no messages...if you change your number...he will then get the right message....that he is history...

#23 Sep 26 - 1PM (Reply to #18)

Caligirl

Used

He doesn't call now. He was calling the first week while he was gone, but we were living together. I'm sure once he learned I left, he got the picture. I don't expect to ever here from him again. He knows I'm strong-minded and he's probably afraid of my family.

#24 Sep 26 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

Used

CALIGIRL

oh sorry, i misunderstood, and yes you are very strong,thats probley why i got confused...xx

#25 Sep 26 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

Caligirl

USED, Oh, that's ok. I think what it might be

is that I have some cog diss over it. I wonder what IF I would've returned his calls, and getting me on the phone, he would have been nice and wanted to make amends or if he really loved me (or was even capable) ,but maybe it is just wishful thinking and my own projection. Afterall, he treated me badly before he left, and he clearly d&d'd me...

#26 Sep 26 - 12AM (Reply to #15)

Susan32

I stopped getting those calls..

When I changed my number! The ex-Psych prof would call, not say anything, hang up. He would NEVER leave messages. Now, it's one thing to call a person a few times, notice it's not going through, leave a message or two, and if you try again and they're not there, to NOT leave an umpteenth message. I got crank calls from my freshman to junior years... but since my phone number changed twice during my senior year (being on-campus to being off-campus), and I didn't give it to him, NEVER happened again. He begged for my number... never gave it. I have an unlisted number. It's not in the phone book. Having a cellphone can help with that.

#27 Sep 26 - 12PM (Reply to #16)

Caligirl

Susan32, he stopped calling after that week

so I didn't feel like I needed to change my number (cell). The first couple of calls, he didn't leave a message. Then, the third call was, "I see you're not taking my calls. I need to know about utility bill." Then, several more hang up before voicemail calls. The last call went to voicemail, but he hung up. I was already back in Cali by then, and he would have probably just arrived home. Ironically, my phone wasn't picking up missed calls, and I did not see half of the calls until about two weeks later, good/bad? Oh well. All for the best I'm sure, as he is bad news. Thanx.

#28 Sep 25 - 11PM

ally2375

What GB said

Also, I think they like to antagonize us by constantly poking at us, keeping them on our minds. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if you DID answer, just to have him hang up. These stupid games are so fun, aren't they? :(

#29 Sep 25 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

Caligirl

So, it wouldn't be because maybe he really cared,

had a change of heart, didn't want to lose me? I keep thinking that. Ugg! Thanx, Ally. I really need to understand bc it makes me want to break n/c. I've been n/c almost 6 mos.

#30 Sep 26 - 2AM (Reply to #11)

empath

no no no...don't fall for it!

What you are doing is also a form of projecting...you are projecting your normal thoughts onto an abnormal disordered person, and trying to use logic and reason to make sense of his illogicalirrational behavior. He is just hovering, trying to regain control of you in any pqthetic way he can...by creating the stress of not knowing why he is calling, he is playing your instincts against you...making your imagination run through possible reasons why he is calling...and since you are not a sinister person, you do not consider that his motives might be sinister. And they are, he is out to hurt you and/or control you, to set you up for a D&D. If he didn't treat you with kindness when you were with him', you can be sure he won't treat you any kinder now that you've left him. Abandonment is what they all fear, that's why they insist on being the ones to do it. He is trying to set you up...trust in the ard-won rueful collective wisdom of this forum...he's bad news....stay NC and do not let your curiosity get the better or you or you will regret it. Stay safe and sane. :-)

#31 Sep 26 - 11AM (Reply to #12)

Caligirl

empath

Thank you for your reply. I'm glad you remind me he is a bad guy. I need that! Curiosity is what got me in this r/s and mess, as I was online with him initially. I once told my friend before meeting xN, it may be like opening Pandora's box, and ironically it was. I was a curious child too. You're right, if I called now, and having abandoned him in a way, he will just be waiting to get back at me perhaps (with verbal rifle loaded). He is a proud man who probably did not take my quiet departure very well (I left quiet as a mouse moving truck and all). I am an empath, and I'm probably wanting to project he had a change of heart, but as Ally said, a normal guy would have said so. It isn't worth the knowing I guess, but part of me sees the little boy who was really scared bc he knew he did a bad thing (he said his mom would get upset, send him to his room and not talk to him. Hmm, perhaps why he used ST on me). I think he wanted me to break silence first, but I never did (ironically, I didn't even know the term n/c). I just left. He pushed it too far, and my self-respect said, "no more."

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