Why is she treated better?

A good friend of mine had the bright idea of bringing up my XN. Not only did she bring him up, but she gave me great detail about the way he treats the OW. My XN of 4yrs left me for a high-school girl. He and I are in college.

It hurts and shocks me how much he is doing for the OW. Making her high school Homecoming a dream come true. Renting a fancy car, tux, purchasing her dress, making reservations to a fancy restaurant. I was lucky to even get him to go to TWO of our dances!(And no the fancy car/restaurant/dress were not included). Not to mention I got yelled at and made me cry both times because he did not want to be there.

This isnt the first time I hear about all the wonderful things he is doing for her. They've only been together 4months and he treats her as if shes stuck around for a long time and deserves all this special treatment. It makes me feel horrible. As if I wasn't worthy enough to be taken out on dates or have nice things done for me even if I did put up with all his crap.

Why is it that that they always treat the OW who hasn't put up with them much better?

Beachcolors's picture

......ladies, i am here to tell you (with no doubt) that any relationship with an N is not EVER good. You see ladies, in my N relationship I was the one that was "treated better" than any of his other girlfriends or even wives. I know this not only by his declaration (which can be believed) but by the admission and painful story telling of two of his ex victims. After a year and a half of my merry go round with him and my unique friendship with this ex-fiance and ex-wife I am also inclined to admit that my N did in fact treat me 100% better than he ever did the women before me. He bought me things, spent some holidays with me, insisted on meeting my family, took me all kinds of places, paid for everything, took me to french resturants and he never so much as raised his voice to me. It was quite the opposite with everyone else. I am here to tell you....and I emplore you all to believe me.....it still wasn't good. He was an emotional vampire. Nothing I ever did made him happy. He was distant, inconsistant, unavailable, mean and often intentionally cruel to me. We had moments that were perfect but that's what they do...show that fake persona when they need to...the good times were always lies. I was still unhappy, I was still cheated on, I was still lied to and in the end I was still thrown away. Both of those women were enraged when they learned that his behavior had been so different with me but I feel this was a product of him having to adapt to me. He had to create a "better" man in order to suck me in. I was not a bigger challenge to him, only a different one. He no more loved me than the man in the moon. Maybe it wasn't as bad of a nightmare for me but it was a nightmare none the less.
NanC's picture

They treat women differently, but nevertheless, it's still dysfunctional. For example, I was with my exN for 7 years. Not once, did he ever jack off in front of me. After becoming friends with his gf that he left me for (now exgf), she said he would always jack off in front of her (meanwhile, depriving her of having sex with her). He would have never even thought of doing that in front of me. They know what they can and can not get away with. If they have to kick their charm up a notch, then they will...what sick bastards.
agnesmurphy17's picture

If she's in high school, her parents may be paying for the limo & the dinner for their daughter & her date so that thei daugher's prom night is a dream. You don't know. And if he is paying, he's getting something for looking good. Maybe her dad has a line on something good for your N. Job, connections, etc. & if he is the source of the information to your so-called friend, then it may all be a lie to get your goat. Don't think he's a good man BUT you weren't good enough for him to treat you right. That's exactly what he wants -- you to doubt yourself. That's what N's do - they get their jollies off on making us doubt ourselves. And he's only known her four months! She's living with her parents, he does not have 24/7 access & her dad is watching like a hawk. He better be nice. He's just looking good. This little high school girl better hope he loses interest in her. Fast. Because he's gonna mess her up bad if this is her first 'relationship' with a cardboard shell of a human being. If you're in college, move on! There are other young men out there. Take it from a middle aged woman. He's not treating her better than you. In the end, he's gonna toy with her & hurt her, just like he hurt you. Don't doubt it for a second.
GettingOut's picture

After I filed for divorce he went out and got a GF real quick. He was calling the kids and telling them how great this new person was. 10 years younger than him, never married at age 42, never had kids, blonde, tall, goes to the gym, good job, blah, blah, blah. The kids were quite put off by this and it got worse. He would tell them all the great things they were doing together, he even told my older son he was falling in love. Falling in love? After one month of dating? He wanted them to come meet them for dinner. The man is such a miserable excuse for a human being. Anyway, I thought the same as you, that he was treating her better than me and why couldn't he do that for me, etc. Then I remembered how it was for us in the beginning. Hot and heavy. Soul mates. Perfect fit. He told me I was beautiful. One year later when we moved in together the physical and emotional abuse started and never let up. He is incapable of maintaining what he's doing with the OW. It's not you. You'll see. I'd also ask the friend to not disclose any more information about him to you.
NanC's picture

When I first found out about the narc having a new gf, I asked him where he had met her at. He said a country bar. He said, " she loves to dance and you know how I love dancing." That son of a bitch, he never took me dancing. All I ever got to do was stay home with the kids while he was, "supposively" working every weekend out of town. He's been with her for 6 months now so I'm sure it's just a matter of time before his true colors will soon come out...
4joys4's picture

Your thinking is mistaken. You are trying to attribute to him normal qualities and thoughts and he is not normal. He's a narc! They dont think like us. If you keep reading the stories on this site you will notice that all of this is very normal for a narc. Mr Wonderful at the beginning, then punishing. She is at the beginning where you once stood. You are being devalued, a place she will soon be. Get it? Neither one of you mean anything to him. Just objects to be used for his needs at the time. Right now, he wants NS from her and he wants to feel powerful hurting you. Don't show him or your friend any reaction to this news. You will only feed the monster. And remember, it's not you! You are fine. This is all about him.
whatever2009's picture

He knows your going to find out, and he is trying to make himself look good to her friends. Come on...they NEVER EVER EVER EVER change. He will WOW her and her friends, and then im sure, have horrible things to say about them while treating her like shit. It may take a while, but as soon as he is comfortable with her...its gonna be the same. Sometimes I find they are good to the OW while sneaking around behind her back. If she is good for his image, he will do his best to keep her around. Hes a dirtbag and will always be. When the ExNs kids mother left him, he called her afterwards and said..."hey I just fucked so and so...I hope your happy" He wanted her to know, to fuck with her mind/heart. They do everything for a reason.
quietude's picture

The only thing I have to add is that I'd drop a "friend" like that like a hot potato, dear. That's no friend.
neveragain's picture

The phase that he's in with this OW is the Seduction Phase. DO NOT WORRY: He will eventually get to the D&D with her too. I wouldn't talk to that "friend" much unless it has NOTHING to do with him. Concentrate on you now. You deserve SO much better. neveragain
Barbara's picture

were you treated well in the beginning? I bet you were... READ! : http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/11/other-woman-now-hes-happy-her ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help