Why search them, why go back...

First of all, let's agree, these guys are not right.

The mind games they play are beyond me, beyond human, completely stupid and not worth "playing" however playing isn't a word when you describe a "relationship" with a psychopath/pathological Narc.

Pathological. Yuck.

Why do we go back to "search" the N/pathological on FB, all that....

Why.

Why do we need to keep up with them.

We don't need to keep up with them.

They suck.

Sorry for lack of a better word, they are detrimental to you, their society, family.

How many of you have seen the detriment! I want to know!

Then why do we search them, keep tabs on them....

I want to be narc free...

In my healing, it is to make sure he doesn't ever, ever come back...

Do you feel safe? Is it because you feel you are in danger, want to protect youself, prove something, or because you want smut?

Briseis's picture

I think it is human nature. So is murder, unfortunately, and suicide. But on a brighter note :P . . . I don't deliberately keep track of my Narc. My lawyer gave me news a while back about him going back to drug prison, and I'm really active on FB and have been watching for him to sign up, and discovered last week he did back in October (haven't been looking hard enough I guess). I do want to know where he is. I admit that. Because he is dangerous, and I am afraid of him. More like, I like to know where HE is so I can hide myself better. Honestly, in that first year and a half or so, I "liked" to hear about what he was up to in the same way I goggle at a car accident by the side of the road :( As time goes by and my life fills up, I care less and less and less. I do wonder, but even the fear part is pretty low key. Probably no more than anyone who knows someone they want to stay very far away from. A lot of it is validation (you HOPE). There is intense curiosity about someone who has impacted your life so drastically, and with such damage. I'm sure the families of murder victims follow every single word about the killer in the news. A lot of people feel more "control" the more they know. I'm one of them. God forbid, but if I knew someone who was murdered I'd be sleuthing that killer from birth, what school they went to, what vegetables they hated. I'm just that way. I would be darkly fascinated. Like seeing a trainwreck. The problem is what this focus on the Narc does to our heads. We have a lot of obsession and suffering from it. Focusing on the Narc is like putting gas on a fire that is burning us up. It is REALLY hard to stop, the desire is powerful, very powerful. But so is the desire to smoke if you just quit, and dive into the Ben and Jerry's if you are trying to reduce weight. It seems to "feel good" when we anticipate snooping, but you never end up feeling BETTER because of it. Unless you enjoy gloating and celebrating someone else's bad fortune. Which I admit, I have done regarding my exN :P It never did a thing to move me forward through that pain and suffering. If anything, I never see anyone announcing they snooped or reconnected with their Narc and had anything good come out of it. A few hours or days of struggling with intense anger, fear, rage or disappintment, yes. Once in a while I hear that someone felt they got closure from some snooping or contact. But honestly, I've not seen what happens in the long run, if they still see it the same way a year later, or see how it was meaningless or useless. The real relief comes from NC, and letting that rot drain from your system. Not putting more of it IN.
justicejones's picture

My real career should have been a private investigator. I am that good! But it kills me! I don't know why I did it. I think it's cause I wanted answers. I wanted to know if he was actually treating her better than he treated me. I wanted to know why he seemed "there" for their new kids and didn't give a rip for our two kids, who he had a longer relationship with. They lookes so happy in their pictures and the clues I would read in the OW's profile. If he really had changed for her, I wanted to know what she had that I didn't...cause I tried 10000% to be all i could be. I wanted to know why she/they were worth his love, care, presence and not me/our children. If he had changed, then I knew it was me. It was all my fault...and then I would wonder, "How is it my fault?" But actually, I found out that he was just exactly the same, maybe worse! He had become even more violent. I never would cross him in fear, but the OW was violent too. Their life was drama, and upheaval. Now I knew, it was all him. But the funny thing is this. You would think that once I had my answers, I would be done. But no. Once I would get one question answered, I would have another. It was like a cancer. I always thought, "maybe he would, could or is changing NOW for her." Then I would doubt myself again. Its like I had to constantly see that he was still screwing up to confirm that he was and Narc! Wow, I almost was as sick as him, and it was from him! No more. I have decided, ENOUGH! I don't want, need, desire none of that crap.
michele115's picture

If you believe you are still "in love" than I presume it's painful. I'll admit, I cheat and peek, but for me and I'm probably an exception - I know he won't find better than me? So in a way, my ego says: Look what a stupid ass he is. For me, I get some kind of validation... And it becomes more clear and more apparent just how stupid he is... How predictable he is? How his game NEVER changes? It reinforces all that I believe... So that if he WERE to try to come back... I know the slime slug he is? That more than likely cause you guys have said it - they come back when you least expect it? I know the pain I suffered... I see he doesn't miss a beat... It would be hard to even listen much less entertain a "closure meeting" or whatever he would try... They recycle supply...so for me, it leaves no stone unturned, no question unanswered... It doesn't hurt... His page is filled with junkies and airheads... Twelve of them wouldn't equal one eighth of me... And that's not to say that those with substance abouse problems are bad people... BUT I also see that alot of them don't really interact with him?... Which is kinda comical cause he'll say something and it's like *crickets... So, I really don't know why - but its not crushing me...but THATS ME...
ImStrong's picture

"Twelve of them wouldn't equal one eighth of me..." Lovd This Michele..tell em..I can see your strong..your personality matches mine.. The Narc I was seeing always front as if I was not beautiful or didn't make heads spin..he used that against me so I can be against me.. Get it.. But it only worked for a few days..I Know who I am..And the down grade OW he got now is a low budget version of an upgrade of me..he couldn't do better if I paid him.. They don't know what they want all they know is that they are going to hurt some women tonight.. That's all they do is hurt us.. There miserable and hate there little miserable lives..FB is what maes them and breaks them..they attract to it like flees.. I don't respect a looser

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess