Why oh why ?!!!

Why do we have to go through this horrible process of getting it and not getting it and analysing every word or action and comparing it to others and thinking and obsessing !!!

I'm not stupid ! None of us are ! I just want to get up and say he's a liar and he's treated you badly and you know it so move on and forget about why he did it or what he's doing now !!! Why do I even care what he's doing now !! Can't I just be grateful that whatever he's doing isn't my problem anymore !! Can't I just be grateful that I don't have to worry if he's lying to me or if he's about to pull the rug from under my feet again !

I'm so frustrated with myself !! I never once trusted him so what's my problem !!!

Arghhhhhhhhhh

I'm impatient to reach the point where I don't care what he does and I don't secretly hope that he's going to come back and make everything ok !!!

I feel so crap with the reality that I keep going into a fantasy world thinking he's hurting like I am and sitting indoors feeling lonely and sad !!!!

I'm ashamed to admit that but it's true ! I keep rationalising it in terms of normal !!

This is what I'm scared of !! This is why I'm vulnerable still !!!

I keep picturing the Hoover in my head and I want it to stop because his hoovers always get me in the end and I'm even more ashamed to admit that I fear he won't Hoover and that he has new supply !!!!

Somebody give me a good cyber shaking !!!