Why NC is so good for you .

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#1 Sep 23 - 4AM

Scoop

Why NC is so good for you .

There is no doubt that the narc lives in a diffrent world from the rest of humanity , when we are with them and trying to understand them they draw us into this twisted world using coercion , trance , brainwashing , lies , in short they pervert reality . What you find with going nc is you slowly slip into the normal world and you can begin to look at the narc from that perspective .It doesnt happen over night though it is a very long prossess . Im 7 months nc and i am still having to catch myself seeing things from the narc point of view and i consciously have to put normal world thinking in its place .
It has been the hardest 7 months of my life ,there have been times when i thought i wasnt going to make it but i knew that i had to because to go back and talk to him would take me back to disordered narc land and i knew this time i would never get out again i just had to say "head down joey and get through this , there are better days ahead " and on the really bad days the phrase "dig deep" saw me through and on the really bad bad days "pass me the fucking bottle" was the only way foward.
What saw me through all this was this site and you wonderful women and that is why we are here , to encorage and listern and advise to anyone starting out on nc .
Please trust me the times i have broken nc i have payed dearly for the next few weeks , i have in this time thought i could go to a party where he was at ... wrong ....i thought i could answer him when he wanted to see me .. wrong ....i thought i could shout at him ... wrong .... . No contact is just that no contact .
Lets share our stories and feelings of nc xxxx( sorry about the spelling im on my mobile )

#2 Sep 28 - 9AM

WiserNow30

I swear these Narc's can tell

I swear these Narc's can tell when you're feeling great. Literally when I posted the message below about how wonderful I was feeling on Day 6 NC, I got two texts from him: "Still not saying hi to an old friend? :( " "I guess the thought of being friends is out of the question. Well I have nothing but nice memories and I wish the best for you. If you ever want to hang out or go to the park as friends let me know :) " So . . . he want's the best for me. Well that would include no contact with him :) Lol!!!

#3 Sep 28 - 10AM (Reply to #38)

better off

Wow, he's a real Einstein.

Wow, he's a real Einstein. Uh, no I'm still not saying hi. He's quick. Nice to how much he keeps wishing you the best...lol Loved your last comment, the best for you is none of him! :)

#4 Sep 27 - 1PM

helldweller

Oh you reminded me

that when I went to Mass yesterday, even though the baptism bomb had just been dropped, I'd been NC for four days and several people at church said, "You look wonderful!" Someone on here said, "Others will notice before you do."

#5 Sep 24 - 8AM

Rinalda

First-hand experience with contact--avoid if possible

I can say for certain what happens when you have contact. I work with mine and am forced to see him. He is still playing games, trying to be Mr. Nice Guy now that he lacks supply. This is if I'm neutral or civil. If I'm detached, he punishes me by withdrawing and being cold, sullen or even nasty. This goes on while the D & D'd OW floats around, a constant reminder of what he did to me (and obviously to others as well). I do my thing, trying to stay sane. The only redeeming part is that I see what he is truly all about.

#6 Sep 24 - 6AM

Used

nc

i have been nc for11 1/2 mnths with exh and narc... and yes i feel so much better for it, and must look it, when i am out i get people saying to me... YOU LOOK WELL. dont you see narc anymore... and i always think how i felt with him dejected and defeated.... but what i still have a big problem with is what i let go with him, what i put up with from this "freind"... i know until the day comes when and think of something i put up with but think ...OH SO WHAT... i will know then i am realy free.

#7 Sep 24 - 6AM

faithinthefuture

6 months NC

and yes it was the hardest thing i have ever done but each month has gotten easier and i feel myself getting back to me and normal. in 2 weeks i go to his hometown to see my daughter(no she's not his thank god) and i was thinking how good it would be if i saw him to just ignore him. but i think what's best for me if i totally make sure i am not anywhere of being he might be so i don't see him. if i did see him i wouldn't cry for what he's done cuz i want nothing to do with him. i'd be afraid i'd scream at him about how nasty & vile he is but i don't even want to do that. reading what happens if we break nc(& remembering how it felt when i did it in the past) is probably the biggest reason i won't do it. i do not want to get sucked into that pain, confusion, and life of lies ever again. I will stay strong and not give in. I won't give him that satisfaction for one second!

#8 Sep 24 - 6AM

CarolKittyGale (not verified)

Needed this today

Sooooo needed this today. NC is the one and I'm 8 months in but I nearly had a relapse this week and started to miss the poison dwarf so I got straight on here and low and behold a post about staying NC...thank you so much, all I needed was a reminder.

#9 Sep 23 - 6AM

michele115 (not verified)

It's Been A Week No Contact...

This past Sunday x-cept for that letter I sent earlier which I don't know how that bugger weasled into my YAHOO I swear I blocked him on Yahoo...*sigh...anyhow, I don't consider my letter a breech of no contact simply because it allowed me to vent and I told him that would be the last conversation. With this no contact I find that as every day goes by, while I have a lot of unresolved issues, IT FORCES me to THINK...and realize that yes, I could call him and rip him a new arse...BUT...it will bounce off of him - so essentially, I'm giving him attention, feeding HIS ego, even if I told him I've seen better penises on Lizzards...to the NARC attention GOOD or BAD is still attention, and REALLY do I want to exasperate myself trying to explain something that even most 5 year olds can understand on a BASIC level? Let's face it, I'm just not that equipped to take on such a monumental task. I've conceded, I've folded...I've failed!!! the NARC wins...Hooray! AND it's okay, because I get to keep my SANITY as a consolation prize!

#10 Sep 23 - 6AM (Reply to #29)

Used

michelle115

i have never agreed that the narc wins, yes i had to be out of it to come to this conclusion, but i believe it, would you like to spend your life running around like a headless chicken looking for someone to talk to ,someone to validate your very exsistence.... no they dont win... if i found out today my n have found the "love of his life",i would smile.. b/c i remember the man who got on his his knee,s and said i fuck everything up,, please dont give up on me. thats the man i knoew exsists afraid to be alone, afraid to be with people afraid of everything and everyone. he used to accuse me of beign jealous of his exs or currents, i said how can i be jealous of someone who is anybodys... i would be jealous of someone choosy, cos i know thought has gone into it... but not you luv, he still tells people i ws so jealous of him[he was the jealous and possevive one] let him say and think what he likes.. let him live in his delusional world. i want to live in my normal one!

#11 Sep 23 - 3PM (Reply to #30)

michele115 (not verified)

Used...

I'm not sure if you understood me, or if I understood you. When I say "The Narc wins" what I mean is that it doesn't matter who wins, I relinquish my perceived control whether great or small. Sometimes the ego causes us to "fight" for victory over struggles or challenges. Sometimes, it's just easier to walk away, to know which battles to choose. I've been stuck on the merry go-round believing that there must be something I am not doing "well" enough to get him to understand...you know the head games we've fallen victim to. At this point...it doesn't matter...that's what I mean by he wins...I don't care...the "perceived" victory on his part...I don't care. So, no, he doesn't really win, but if in his mind he wins or in his illusion he wins...okay he wins. I'm detached.

#12 Sep 23 - 3PM (Reply to #31)

Used

oh i get ya, and i agree

oh i get ya, and i agree with you.. i am indiffrent to him anyway.

#13 Sep 23 - 6AM (Reply to #27)

Scoop

"better penises on lizzards

"better penises on lizzards " lol you made me spill my tea .. tooo funny !!xx

#14 Sep 23 - 2PM (Reply to #28)

Sherbear

HA!!

I know that was so funny!!! :o)

#15 Sep 23 - 5AM

tica

SCOOP

Good morning!!thanks for this post..I needed the validation that othrs feel exactly as I...congrats on your strengh, we have no choice really...we can choose to make contact, but I know and see from this board that it is disasterous afterwards and not worth the cheap thrill. Maybe that's all these narcs really were (but expensive cheap thrills) Tomorrow is 15 weeks for me, I check in with this board every day, i still obsess at times, still fantasize, but in the outside world, I know that I am on the right path..this is a tough lesson and no time to lay down under a shady tree..i just keep it honest and like you said "head down keep moving" love that image..I also feel more spiritual since this experience, more appreciative of nature and of real friends and good people, for this we can thank the Narc, take on responsibility for our part in this relationship and put ourselves first..not them! enjoy your day...stay strong, you're awesome :)

#16 Sep 23 - 5AM

Sherbear

This is so great Scoop...

You sound so good!! Thank you for the reality check on the NC. Today is Day 32 for me and I am feeling okay. Sometimes, like you though, I find myself thinking I can handle it, I honestly thought I was going to unblock him on FB, but I didn't do it. I have held strong to NC. I am feeling proud of myself. On Sunday, I went to my brothers ande hung out with family and wtched football and laughed and I actually felt normal! It was a good feeling. I need to remember that NC is the only way to go. I can't play in narcland and come out sane. I know I can't. Just keep going forward, everyone!! One day, one hour at a time. I refuse to be a pawn in someone's sick game anymore. I am a wonderful and loved person and that man does not define me. I have handled myself with dignity and grace since March when he dismissed me. It feels so good to look back and see that. I love this site and gain so much insight and strength from you all! Thannk you and have a great day!! xoxo, Sherry

#17 Sep 23 - 4AM

gettinbetter

I made 21 days then broke

I made 21 days then broke it. During those twnenty one days it was hard but the physical pain I was suffering began to subside. Now after 5 days of of some texts back and forth (in which he says very little) Im feeling physically and mentally horrible again. Its like Im be poisioned slowly. I always think I can handle it when I talk to him that I will detach however it is clear to me now that I cannot. I have to put this man completely out of my life.

#18 Sep 23 - 6AM (Reply to #20)

Used

sick of it

you can do it again, it was a blip, and now you feel unwell, thats what it would be like to be back with him, i used to go back with narc, within sometimes 10minutes i used to think what have i done, i looked at my watch one day i had only been with him 10mins, it seemed like a lifetime.... me .who when i was with him in the beginning time didnt exsist for me i didnt want the day to end, i used to think please day dont go to quick.... then to thinking is this day never going to end, and cos he could feel me pulling away, he would quickly suggest something to do to take my mind off going, it got so bad beign with him, i used to go to toilet, and phone someone to phone me back in 5 mins, then go back out, my phone would ring i would answer it, and say yes i will be there at once, and say to him i have to go, its an emergency...pathetic a. people couldnt understand why i couldnt just go, it was like i was shackled to him... you are so better off out of it..i have been nc for11 1/2 months.... normality welcome back.. good luck sick of itxxx

#19 Sep 27 - 9PM (Reply to #23)

moonshine

used...

I was 30 days NC and he came and talked to me and it messed my head up...but the 30 days helped me to reflect and gain a little strength to think. Even though he talked and said he still wants to be friends(meaning that...he still want to hangout and date OW and yet have me there too as a "friend").......i didn't go totally out of control but it messed my head up. It feels very difficult though. Although I feel that I didnt try to make contact....i am very weak when he comes around. I work with him and the OW of his interest. Last week the OW was sick and she told me later that he called he and asked her how he can be of service when she is sick. Although I dont have any part in this....I started to feel my heart beating...shortness of breath and confusion all day....just by listening to that message. I have also felt what you have written....it felt like I was shackled to him. I have also thought the day should never end when I was with him and at the very end...I just wanted the pain to end and get out. Thanks for sharing.

#20 Sep 26 - 8AM (Reply to #21)

gettinbetter

Used

I think what bothers me most is that I know he's done with me. When he has responded to me via text they are short minimal responses promising that he will do something that he never does. My accepting that he is done with me in turn forces me to accept that parts of my life were just lies that he never loved me thought at times I felt like he did but he didnt because he couldnt. The hard part is the death of my story with him that has spanned 20 years. When this man came back into my life telling me he had always loved me and that he wanted me back eventhough I was married. I thought it was meant to be. That It just had to be or he wouldnt have appeared again so many years later. When I think that I will never see him again and never hear "I love you" I just want to cry and cry

#21 Sep 26 - 8AM (Reply to #22)

Used

sick of it

i truly understand what you are saying and feeling, when my exh went to prison [yet again], he wrote letter after letter saying now he had time to think, he relized what a a...sole he had been, he listed the things he had done, as if i didnt know, and promised to change everything and everyway he had been, i believed ever word again!..... he came home, and one of the promises was he would work, he had never worked from day i met him he was 17then, he was at this time 33, when i suggested him looking for a job to have money for me and kids, he looked at me and grinned, and said i am not getting a job.....ducking and diving is all i know. he didnt keep one promise he made on visits and in letters. last year, my grandaughter found his prison letters,while helping me have a blitz. i didnt even know i kept them in a fancy box. when she went i read them, and laughed and cried... that i realy believed this man i realy believed he loved me and kids...reading them now, nearly 30 years later,, i see it all so clearly.. he is incapable of love.. he might of ment it when he wrote me or said it to me... and then the moment is gone, i have known him since i was 15, married at 16.... i have never known him at all....and now i dont care either. to relize you have lived with a physcopath, slept with him ,had children with him and got out alive is all i need to know... one day sick of it.... you will think ,i will never get over it[as i thought] then one day you, without relizingyou will accept what he is and think ....i loved him i gave it my all. i am healed he never will be...godblessxx

#22 Sep 23 - 4AM (Reply to #2)

Scoop

sick of it

I relate to what you say , about a month ago i had the first email from him and i though , what a wanker and could detach , then the second and third email came and i began to listern to him and my health went down hill . You think you can be strong but they have the unatural nack of pulling you back so they can feed . You simply cant have any contact and remain sane . Its a learning prossess and it takes a while to sink in .keep strong ..xxx

#23 Sep 23 - 5AM (Reply to #3)

WiserNow30

Day 1 NC

It's Day 1 NC. I can do this! I have to do this.

#24 Sep 23 - 6AM (Reply to #19)

tica

wiserNow30

your self respect and dignity ride on this decison to stay NO Contact...the Narc will feel you pulling away...don't bite when he lures you, it is soooo hard we all know, but empowering in the long run...as Used said, stay with us, we are all here for you!!! Read our stories and compare all the similarities,,it's NOT YOU...it's the NARC!! they are disordered...you are NOT!

#25 Sep 23 - 6AM (Reply to #18)

Scoop

Yes you can do this ! god if

Yes you can do this ! god if you knew me and how flaky i am , i thought i had no will power what so ever , i smoke and drink and eat crap and stay out late and watch rubbish on the tv ... all will be addressed at some point lol . I didnt think i had it in me but deep , deep down i had a survival instinct that kicked in which who knew was there . The one thing that really helped is exercise , i work out 3 or 4 times a week and ride my bike round town (somedays like a mad woman)... listern to me saying excersise ! again who knew i would take that up ? but my god it helps so much . Day one ! Its such a huge step to say "NO MORE, I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIM ".. stay with us .xxxxx

#26 Sep 23 - 6AM (Reply to #4)

michele115 (not verified)

Wiser Now...

You can do it...when you get the urge...jump on the board...write it all out over here...your secrets are safe with us...your mental health isn't with HIM!... Good Luck!

#27 Sep 23 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

WiserNow30

What I won't forget

You all are so kind. Thank you. I'm leaning on the Lord, my family and this messageboard. I made my "what i won't forget" list. It's quite a doozie. Here it goes: Lied about everything Manipulated everyone, especially his own family Cheated Numerous profiles on dating websites Addicted to porn Drank too much Sick sexual comments, total madonna/whore complex Verbally abusive Hacked into my email Checked my phone Accused me of cheating Arrested (that was courtesy of me) Talked badly about his ex-wife (whom I have since talked to and is such a nice person just like me) Tried to get me to run off and marry him Knew my insecurities and used them against me Isolated me from my friends and family Told me that only he understood me Played mind-games Texted me a picture of a girl he was with Inconsiderate Evaded the legal system and the IRS Tried to destroy my life No credit but pretended he had lots of money Urged me to sell my condo and move in with him (which never happened) Used me to look good for his family and friends Never on time Inconsiderate when I was sick Got in a fight when drunk (and got his butt kicked) Had three jobs in two years Why would I want to be with this person? I deserve so much better.

#28 Sep 28 - 10AM (Reply to #17)

better off

All that, and you don't want

All that, and you don't want to be friends?! And hang out at the park?!

#29 Sep 23 - 3PM (Reply to #6)

WiserNow30

NC!

I just got two texts asking if I have his DVD. NC!!!!!!!! I need to get to the place where I delete them without reading. That will be a great day.

#30 Sep 24 - 5AM (Reply to #7)

WiserNow30

Day 2 NC! I can do this. I

Day 2 NC! I can do this. I have to do this for me and my well-being.

#31 Sep 24 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

michele115 (not verified)

WiserNow...

Congratulations! You're on your way...and we're here to see you through!

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