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Why? I am not stupid but I think I am an Idiot!

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#1 Oct 7 - 10AM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Why? I am not stupid but I think I am an Idiot!

I feel bad then good, I feel stupid as I read more..Isn't it supposeted to help to educate? Why am I angry at myself for allowing this stupidity? I saw the red flags, I DID! I remember. Why did I do this to my daughters? Why did I have a son w him? WHY? This is ridiculous!

Oct 7 - 10AM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Cognitive dissonance

There are lots of gifted, compassionate women here. It's the CD, the deception. You weren't an idiot... you were HUMAN. You were targeted for your humanity, not stupidity.
Oct 7 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
darkspark
darkspark's picture

well said

!
Oct 7 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

wow

Thank you! CD I must google that!
Oct 7 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Beautifully said, Susan :) I

Beautifully said, Susan :) I remember how that feels, Blueeyes. It's horrible. It's part of "waking up", and as much as it hurts, it is the pain of growth and healing. As bad as our self esteem and confidence gets while we're with the Narc, this feeling like a complete idiot afterward is insult after injury. You will get to a place of self understanding and forgiveness. If you had KNOWN for a second that you would have ended up in this place because of him, you would have run screaming. No one on this board gives themselves to a Narc even though they know they'll be abused and destroyed. Perhaps we believe we are more powerful than we are and we can change them with our love and hard work. If we just try hard enough. I just couldn't BELIEVE that someone could be so self centered and cruel and calculating. I'd never met anyone like him before. I didn't know what I was seeing. The best we can do is learn from this, and that's going to feel like "enough" someday. It's going to feel like a lesson you are glad you learned. But until then (cuz no doubt it feels like absolute shit right now), be kind to yourself.
Oct 7 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

One of the most painful things after the D&D

I was talking to a friend, and when I said how stupid I felt, she ECHOED me and basically said yes, I was stupid. She even went so far to call me idolatrous and a Devil-worshipper. She said that I had gone into it with my eyes wide open, so there. Incredibly hurtful. I think she relented when I told her about the emotional abuse, how he had made me feel stupid. She'd tell me to NOT think about what had happened... and I snapped that I was sick of being told how to feel. She realized that I had troubles "letting go" because he was the teacher, I was the student. He was in the position of authority and trust. I TRUSTED him. I've "let go" of Ns/Ps before, and easily, because I wasn't emotionally invested in them. I saw the red flags.. and let go. Even the creep with the restraining order I dated briefly after the D&D, I forgot his name, it ended gracefully... and I moved on. But the ex-Psych professor was different. I saw him as my mentor. I couldn't believe that a teacher would be self-centered, cruel, and calculating toward his own student. Maybe I've been cruel, cold, and self-centered towards him just to protect myself. I don't want him worming his way back into my life... He hurt me once. It will never happen again. But if he's feeling masochistic and wants to be my slave and devoted to ME and WORSHIPPING ME, then he's welcome back!
Oct 7 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

It's the most horrible thing

to realize! Now it's coming into place. Whenever he does anything I am sick. I can't take being around him for one second. I am not quiet all the time. So, I worry I may spout off at the mouth and give him rage. So I try to be in the other room. My life is spirialing out of control. I am extremly busy at work all day. It's all very hard.