Why him??

I am usually a very hard person to get to know. Due to my social anxiety. But when I go dancing-I make the effort....try to anyway.

I'm very closed with new people, men and women equally. I trust no one really, its easier for me because I'm very sensitive and I don't like getting close to people because I hate being hurt.

I've developed to power to strike men down in their attempts to try it on. I can be extremely cold towards people, to the point they can be talking to me-and I can look through them like they are nothing. Hoping they give up....they usually do.

There was something about him, Before speaking to him and "getting to know him" I saw him around for at least a year on the scene.

The way he carried himself-so well put together, nothing out of place. It reminded me ......of me. I do this so that I can feel comfortable in my skin. If I look perfect on the outside....what can people say about me?? what can they judge if they don't see how broken I am inside??

I never give them the opportunity, because I look and dress "perfect" and "confident". It sounds soooo stuck up I know, but that's what I do to protect myself.

And that is what I saw in him.....I thought he was sooooo stuck up! like he was too good to interact with certain people....

But that night when he was by himself and I approached him, he seemed......quiet. Nervous almost. Shy.

When I met him a week later when he asked me out.....He reminded me, of me. The way I was nervous with him-he was the same with me. Vulnerable, because we couldn't hide behind the perfect clothes and persona.

Because we "liked" each other, a wall came down-and I wasn't expecting it to, and I don't think he did either.....so I believed anyway.

Quite early on, we were so affectionate with each other.....in a sweet way-not lusty...just sweet.

The "I love you's" hand holding, the way he looked at me.....It was POWERFUL. I felt he depleted my inhibitions whenever I was around him. And he said the same of me which I though was weird that he would say what I was feeling too, because I never really reveal how I really feel.

He would say "don't look at me like that, when you look at me like that-I feel like I want to give you everything"

Whenever our eyes would lock-I felt he "had" me....That was it I was his.

Whenever we were in each others arms, I felt protected, like that's all I needed....I didn't need to be anywhere else except there :-(

I felt like "love" was coming out of me full force and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it....and I didn't want to.

Because it was a feeling I NEVER thought I would ever feel again. I felt so lucky. He made me happy just holding me.

Why did it come out of me so easily, with this guy????

I feel sad today, because it was all a lie. On his part anyway.........

:-(