Why the hiding?

20 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 17 - 1PM

angelgal

Why the hiding?

Fireguy and I belong to the same gym. Unfortunately, that is where I met this creep, too. We are both pretty dedicated to staying fit so this has been very difficult for me and I stopped going for 3 months. My counselor told me that I need to start going again so I can regain control. She told me by not going I was letting him have control still. She is definitely right about that. However, I HATE seeing him and its not easy for me to go...but I'm trying, even though I have relapses and don't go.

Well, we both arrived at the same time to the gym and when he saw me, he drove out of the parking lot and parked across the street and waited for me to go in. WHAT A TOTAL WEIRDO! He is hiding from me, like I'm the bad guy or something? My counselor thinks he is "embarrassed" for the way he treated me etc.etc...but I'm totally confused and don't know what to think about this? I'd appreciate your thoughts, I'm not having a good day. Thanks so much for caring and support.

#2 Feb 17 - 3PM

Barbara (not verified)

angelgal

he's not the least bit embarrassed. Narcs are INCAPABLE of embarrassment. your counselor does NOT get it. a bit shocked maybe, that you came back to the gym - so he went somewhere he could WATCH you... stalk. IGNORE!! Keep going...but in the meantime find a new gym Treat him as if he's invisible. and NC! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#3 Feb 17 - 8PM (Reply to #18)

angelgal

Barbara, he did a doubletake

When he saw me he did a doubletake...he did the whole head and neck jerk thing! I think you're right, he was pretty surprised to see me back at the gym after all his lies and using me. The bad thing is, I have a lifetime membership to this gym, all paid for FOREVER! I don't seem him often, maybe once or twice a week. I KNOW, once is too many! I am miserable when I see him and it ruins the rest of my day! I'm definitely in a bad position because I don't have money to just go out and join another gym...its either, don't go, or risk seeing him once or twice a week, possibly? I hate that I'm in this situation! Working out does wonders for my mental well being, but now everything is screwed up and I don't enjoy it like I did because of him and the whole reminder that I met him there and just being constantly reminded of how he used me and all of his lies. I tried to tell my counselor that I need time to heal and seeing him sux, it just makes me feel worse...but she insists that I need to get my control back! I am going to try and change the time that I go, I've already cut back and stopped going everday like I once did. He has ruined everything!

#4 Feb 17 - 8PM (Reply to #19)

Barbara (not verified)

angelgal

does your counselor understand that you have PTSD from exposure to this predator???? Maybe she's trying "Exposure Therapy" In exposure therapy your goal is to have less fear about your memories. It is based on the idea that people learn to fear thoughts, feelings, and situations that remind them of a past traumatic event. By talking about your trauma repeatedly with a therapist, you'll learn to get control of your thoughts and feelings about the trauma. You'll learn that you do not have to be afraid of your memories. This may be hard at first. It might seem strange to think about stressful things on purpose. But you'll feel less overwhelmed over time. With the help of your therapist, you can change how you react to the stressful memories. Talking in a place where you feel secure makes this easier. You may focus on memories that are less upsetting before talking about worse ones. This is called "desensitization," and it allows you to deal with bad memories a little bit at a time. Your therapist also may ask you to remember a lot of bad memories at once. This is called "flooding," and it helps you learn not to feel overwhelmed. You also may practice different ways to relax when you're having a stressful memory. Breathing exercises are sometimes used for this. Have you considered selling your lifetime membership on ebay? Find out if the gym would let you do that! He should be the one to leave... screw him... work out and focus on your health. Who cares how he reacts?! He has ruined things for HIMSELF... you carry on... that will be the biggest F.U. ever! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#5 Feb 17 - 1PM

alfrebob

I am not sure I agree with

I am not sure I agree with your counselor. You are having contact with him by seeing him at the gym and this will not help your healing. You can't have any sort of contact with these narcs. Already it is messing your head up. You are thinking about his actions when you should be forgetting about him. Does your counselor understand the process of healing from a relationship with an N? Is there another gym you can go to?

#6 Feb 17 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

AnotherPath

I agree, change your gym and

I agree, change your gym and hey you may meet a nice man at the new one that isn't a narc. Yuk I wouldn't want to see my exN although I have to because of the children but I can't stand seeing him even when he's sitting in a car during pick up.

Ending the dance

#7 Feb 17 - 8PM (Reply to #3)

Jessika (not verified)

I have to agree

with the other ladies. I KNOW I wouldn't be able to see him at the gym... not even once. It would tear me apart. Let him have the gym ~ (control or whatever your counselor calls it). What good is the regaining of "control" as the counselor states if you are being triggered and feel overwhelmed with emotion. I definitely could never do it. I can never lay eyes on my ex again and not want to vomit and likely fall into depression. Take care of yourself. Wish we could get a "gym fund" together for you so that you can go somewhere else... pronto!! Jessika

#8 Feb 19 - 4PM (Reply to #16)

angelgal

Jessika, I agree with you wholeheartedly

I agree with everything you said wholeheartedly. I tried to explain to my counselor that I understand where she is coming from as far as the "control" thing, but seeing him just opens up the wounds over and over, how can I ever heal? So, putting myself through it, is no good, you're right! Its a losing battle for me. Its really sad, because I use to go to the gym Monday-Friday. I was a regular. It was part of my daily routine and it was one thing I had to look forward to in my life. My Mom is very sick and I found the gym to be a good mental outlet for me while dealing with so much depression, anxiety and stress of all the pain my Mom has had to endure and the thoughts of possibly losing her. It was like the only place I could go to clear my mind for an hour and take care of "me" for a little while and not think of the bad things. I really grew to love working out and couldn't believe how it helped my stress. Now, its the complete opposite. Its very stressful, upsetting, and sooo uncomfortable for me. I HATE going! #1 Just being there is uncomfortalbe...it "reminds me of him", whether he is there or not. Sometimes I'm on one floor working out, while he is working out on another floor, and that is easier, but just knowing he is "there" is too much for me to handle. #2 When I have gone, I'm always looking over my shoulder and cannot concentrate on working out because I'm sooo worried he will be there and I will bump into him. #3 I met him there and its sooo hard to forget that! #4 Most mornings I do go, he is there because he is a fireman and works a 24hr shift every three days, so he spends a lot of his free time at the gym. #5 Seeing him makes me shake and feel so bad inside, I remember how he used me, how he lied, how he is with the gf that he lied about for a year now and I was just NOTHING, nobody to him! Seeing him reminds me of just how he used me for his SEXUAL PLEASURES! He treated me as if I wasn't good enough for anything else. Seeing him makes me fall apart! I just feel so awful inside. I feel so so bad, all the while he is doing his workout and is living his life just fine with his long distance, turned local gf now. I just keep remembering him saying, "I don't want a relationship right now". And kept pushing me away all those times and wouldn't let me FULLY know him and he wouldn't let himself FULLY know me. Yet, doing things with me SEXUALLY was ok in his messed up head! He had NO RIGHT to do one thing with me knowing he had a gf and that she would be moving here from her hometown! Ya know, after we would do it, he would rush me to leave his place, it hurt me sooo bad. Yet, he kept saying "he's a good guy"! When I see him, I see a liar and a user...that had no regard for me...its torture! I know I need to give up the gym...something I use to love, ALL BECAUSE of HIM and what he has done to me!!! It makes me so upset and angry that I have to do this and makes me hate him that much more, but there is no other way! I have to accept that I have no choice...he has ruined the peace I once had at my gym. Peace is gone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your very sweet message and for your thoughtfulness of wanting to help me go to another gym. You have a beautiful heart, Jessika!

#9 Feb 19 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

rache

Get rid of the gym thing

What if he starts rubbing other gals in your face?TRYING to get a rise from you?Do not put yourself out there for him to taunt you.

#10 Feb 19 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

angelgal

Rache, he has no self esteem...

I wish he he would rub up on other girls at the gym so I could take a picture of him and send it to the gf! No, seriously, he has no self esteem in going up to girls, believe it or not. Also, he is the sneaky, shy, boy next door type! The kind you really need to look out for! The only way he would talk to a girl is unless she started talking to him first. Just like I was the one to talk to him first. I'm sure since his long distance gf moved from her hometown to live with him, he will be on his best behavior. He hides when he sees me, he will look at me, then go the other way...he can't face me, he knows I HATE HIM! I told him that I hoped he "burns in hell" for the way he treated me the last time I texted him...I'm sure he doesn't care but he is very sensitive and I'm sure it hurt his little ego.

#11 Feb 19 - 7PM (Reply to #15)

rache

Mine

Is a classic sociopath,so,i guess in a way he is far worse(malignant)than just the typical narc.IF there IS such a thing as a good pathological,but,i imagine the socio/psychopath narc is far worse.yours must be the typical narcissist =still bad relationship material for sure.

#12 Feb 19 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

no more

Do you think they

can't face you or look at you because they feel GUILTY? Or do they even have the ability to feel guilt?

I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.

#13 Feb 19 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

angelgal

Not sure, No More

I've read and been told that these kind of guys do not feel "guilt" , their not capable of feeling that amongst many other things...so I don't know why he does this? It seems like he is uncomfortable, though. Especially, after I sent him texts telling him what I really thought of him...when I told him to burn in hell and that he was NOT a good guy, he was a HORRIBLE guy, he acts this way. Its just strange to me. Maybe in his sick head he has to turn it around on me, so he feels better about himself...I don't know? What do you think?

#14 Feb 19 - 7PM (Reply to #10)

quietude (not verified)

angelgal

In my opinion, I think they're just a bunch of COWARDS. They're done with the 'object', "it" gets tosses aside, and if they see the object again, they don't want to 'deal' with that object so they'd rather hide like the sniveling little mice they are (with apologies to mice!) He may have turned it all around to actually blame you too?? Mine blamed my No Contact for the demise of the relationship, Ha! But it's better we don't try to figure what makes them tick. It kind of reminds me of the movie, The Cell...when the main character has to get into the head of a Psychopathic killer...it's very scary!

#15 Feb 19 - 8PM (Reply to #11)

angelgal

You couldn't be more right, Quietude

They ARE the BIGGEST COWARDS!! We are nothing but objects to these creeps, for certain! He doesn't want to deal with me (the old object), you're right, so he hides like the TRUE coward he is!! When they are done with us, they are done and don't want to deal with the mess they left, I guess...not that mine thinks he really did anything wrong, now that is very scary!!

#16 Feb 20 - 11AM (Reply to #12)

Jessika (not verified)

Yep. Cowards, Cowards, Cowards... all of them!

It is certainly 'being a coward' and NOT feelings of guilt. No capacity for guilt at all for these monsters. IF they could feel guilty there would be sincere apologies for the hurt they caused and of course no offensive behavior. Unfortunately, there is nothing to put the brakes on them (no guilt, remorse, empathy, consideration, love, kindness, responsibility, committment, etc) to make them treat others well- so I WISH they had guilt. Their moral reasoning is so severely damaged, underdeveloped and impaired. Cowards, cowards, cowards!!!!! All of them! I had a female friend I used to speak about on here I called "Miss Diva". I was probably excellent supply to her for YEARS. Always supportive of her modeling... reviewed her photos with her... used to help her. When she needed help I was always there. Used to be her partner when we would go out ONLY bc I had a certain look that brought us both attention (I now know it wasn't any deeper than that). She would text me at least 5 times a day and we used to speak on the phone for an hour a day. She was enmeshed with my life probably too much. However, she would also love taking little jabs at me and here and there putting me down. After my ex left me her abuse went through the roof. She told me she had no idea how weak i was and seeing me "all depressed over some guy" allowed her to see that I was a weak person and obviously have no experience in handling guys. She became an unmanageable evil little monster. In October she did something that majorly crossed the line and since i was finally realized she was a narc I confronted her on the offensive act. Just like a narc, she disappeared. Never responded to my email of how she hurt my feelings, never offered an apology... simply disappeared. COWARD. She had a mutual friend of ours text me asking me if I was coming to Marc's (Diva's boyfriend) party. This mutual friend was being used as a tool by Diva, bc Diva had obviously not invited me to Marc's party... however this was her way of letting me know about the party and simultaneously punishing me for calling her on her bad behavior, "no party for Jessika." I just laughed when I got the text and told our mutual friend that I was out of town at a spa and having a blast (actually I was away at Sandra Brown's retreat - he he.... but I didn't want her to know that!) Point is all narcs are all the same when it comes to not facing their bad behavior. It is not guilt driven at all. Male/ female all seem to have the same pattern. Once they feel finished with an object they want to punish them and banish them. There is no shame at all. Luckily I knew Diva was a narc and knew how to "play" her... by letting it be known that I wasn't even in town and didn't care one bit about spending time with her (hence her little plan of punishment didnt' work). Angelgal, I hope ya find a new gym soon, so that you can get the benefit from that again. I actually was thinking that I didn't want to meet men in any places that was a part of my normal cycle. I decided this only recently... bc I knew that I would have to cut that place out of my life if i met a narc there. IDK... maybe I am making a rule for myself that is too stringent- but for now that is the way I want to do it. If I do meet a guy at the guy, he can be someone I just chat with at the gym... but never giving my number there (anymore) ;o) A couple of my new rules (in addition to the other ones I have): 1) No more online/ structured dating (that's how I met my ex) 2) No dating men from my gym (I met a prior narc there) TTYL, Jessika ((BTW....thanks for your words above. They were really nice! :o)

#17 Feb 20 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

angelgal

Great rules, Jessika!

I agree with your rules! I, too, always thought that it wasn't a good idea to meet men in places that I spend a good amount of my time at. Gym, work, etc. I can honestly tell you, I will NEVER date anyone from the gym AGAIN!! If I ever go back or get the financial opportunity to join a new gym someday. I will never go there again, because I don't want to ruin something that I enjoy so much and have to feel so uncomfortable like I do now. Its the most awful feeling EVER! I think sometimes I'm more upset with myself because I put myself in this position and I've jeopardized my workout situation, something that brought me a lot of comfort, all for this SOCIOPATH/COWARD!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Hugs!

#18 Feb 20 - 12PM (Reply to #13)

rache

jessika

you go girl! One of the two ex friends i had was a narc i now realize in hindsight-would always take subtle jabs,easily offened etc,and,while i love animals/pets,this woman swore she loved her pets more than humans and would rather see a human killed vs an animal-and no she isnt a vegetarian(i am)lol

#19 Feb 19 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

no more

This is a hard question

to answer. I have also read and heard that they are not capable of ANY emotions or feelings. So I guess that would include "guilt". And in our relationships with them they were always turning and putting everything back onto us. So I suppose that is what he is doing now too. I also think that they do not feel good about themselves either. They have a very low self esteem. This is why they project these feelings back onto us. It takes these feelings away from them and then WE have to deal with THEIR low self esteem. Then I guess they fell better about themselves. Kudos to you for texting him how you feel about him. But honestly I don't think he cares how you feel about him. I also think you should find another gym to go to. You would be better off not seeing him and triggering those emotions. You are a great gal and you deserve better. Be glad he is out of your life and be strong. BIG HUGS

#20 Feb 19 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

Barbara (not verified)

guilt?

guilt? a Narc or Psycho/Sociopath? Hell NO! The narcissist has a diminished capacity to empathize so he rarely feels sorry for what he does. He almost never puts himself in the shoes of his "victims". Actually, he doesn't regards them as victims at all! It is very common for the narcissist to feel victimized, deprived and discriminated against. He projects his own moods, emotions, and actions onto others. It's as brutal and simple as that. If they seem to feel remorse, they are faking it and doing it to manipulate you because they can get more narcissistic supply from you. Given the fact that they are out of touch with reality - they never realize what they have done to their victims. And since they can not tell fact from fiction , they figure whatever happened to you must be your own fault. The world of the narcissist is pure fantasyland. Guilt, accepting blame, or "I'm sorry" is not in their vocabulary. And they DO NOT have 'low self-esteem' either. Ever. No matter what they "say." ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

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