why doesn't anyone support me?

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#1 Jan 11 - 6PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

why doesn't anyone support me?

So my best friend from the old block--the mom whose girls are best friends with my daughters--is walking to school with the narc in the morning and chatting with him. He is purposely catching up to her and asking about her daughters, how her haircutting business is going, etc. obviously with no interest at all in any of it, obviously just stealthily plotting to win over everyone I knew on the old block. There is absolutely no one who is defending me to his face.

My ex husband says I shouldn't fault people for this. That most people don't have the balls to stand up for things or just feel too uncomfortable trying to maintain the status quo. But I think about my children and I know these people know what he did to them and they are being civil with him and it pisses me off. I keep thinking that if all of these neighbors told him to fuck himself maybe maybe maybe some better world would come. But I just see them saying, "Oh, hi Don! How are you? I feel like Rosemary in Rosemary's Baby when no one believed that the Satanic cult was going to take her baby.

Jan 12 - 2AM
Disillusionedx2
Disillusionedx2's picture

X-Is onto something....

There's enough drama dealing with N let alone dragging in the old neighbors, you want them to dislike him for what he did to you and your girls, understandable, but not totally reasonable, they have nothing to do with the battle you and N were involved in, unless he does something harmful to them in front of the neighbors and they did not intervene, they have nothing to do with it, they may not like him, maybe that's all they have to say to him, hi, how are you, keep going.... Yes, they are aware something awful went on but not to the extent you know and feel, therefore their feelings about it won't be as strong as yours, emotional abuse is hard to describe unless you live it, experience it, they are clueless about the extent of your pain and trauma, don't think ill of them, they don't understand. The entire block turning on him because the relationship went sour due to his NPD won't make the world a better place; it may make you feel better. It's like your gf husband/bf had an affair, she's angry to no end, get all of her friends and family to growl and hiss at him too, a few days later, they are back together, huh? The others will still be growling and hissing at him, it's just not healthy for you /girls or them, not the best example but the best I can come up with for now. You went through it, will never forget it, but part of moving on is finding some way to forgive him/yourself and move on to a happy/healthy life for you and the girls, you have the power to do that, you have come a looong way, doing great, don't allow him to get to you, he's annoying, sure, ignore him, can't control him or the neighbors, just do you and your girls Hun, best wishes HD. stay~striving

stay~strong

Jan 12 - 12AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Your ex husband is right

Sad...but true
Jan 11 - 11PM
ClusterF
ClusterF's picture

It's an alone place

My exP tried to kill me in the sneakiest way possible. The people closest to me thought I had gone off the deep end. No help from police who were ready to commit me. It's about as alone as I ever could feel. They are so good at dissembling, and they take away your appearance of sanity and use it to their advantage. I feel for you, very much. It's horrible. And it's the strongest you'll ever be if you can rely on your own judgment in the face of disbelief. Much empathy, ClusterF
Jan 11 - 10PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I totally understand

I totally understand this!! And, I agree with the others who've posted. People don't want to make waves and trouble. Believe me, if he'd screwed with them the same way he screwed with you, they would spit in his face along with you. People only have so much energy and need it to fight their own personal battles. There was a married couple that stepped in and were SO supportive of me after I got rid of my exN. It was such a small town that their support of me was HUGE. They were horrified about what happened to me, and reeling from how the Narc had victimized THEM (by lying and taking advantage in various ways). Then about three months later, I found out this couple had allowed the exNarc to move in with them!!! They were supporting him and giving him work! They might as well have kicked me in the stomach. The husband said to me "I can't turn away a person who begs me for help with their recovery." (he was the AA guru in that town). They continued to reach out to me, but I could NOT, could NOT reconcile this in my head. It was very black and white to me. You are either for me or you are against me. Period. Three years later, it still burns my ass LOL!! But I understand a little better. I forgive them, but don't keep in touch with them, and I'm sure they'd welcome it. And that doesn't include all the other people in that town that continued to treat the Narc with some modicum of respect, after they knew good and well what he did. They had their own problems and for what it's worth, mine weren't theirs, you know? To them, what he did to me was terrible but they weren't going to spit in his face when he came in to buy a pack of smokes, or put their nose up in the air when he said Hi. I sure wish they had (can you tell I still have a few feelings about this???? :D ).
Jan 11 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

oh Boy can I relate to

oh Boy can I relate to this!!!! in my case the Narc involved our witnesses from ourwedding. Hecalled them creating drama because i wouldnt answer his calls. he knew where I was he wanted pity and to set me up as the crazy one. The couple called me and saidcome over here for your birthday. we are in this boat with you. well once Narc showed up the husband did his level best to convi ce me I should go home with him and that he was really trying. so i did when we all discovered what Narc had really been up to cheating and risking my health, and I forced Narc to call them and tell them he was lying. the husband now shifted and said they dont believe in interfering in a marriage and forbid his wife to talk to me about it. apparently they werent in the boat wuth me anymore. It made me wonder if the husband had some activites of a cheatibg kind to hide himself. clearly this bought out their own insecurities abd the prefered to just avoid the whole thing. I waited in vain for the wife to show up for coffee, after the worst D &D and the shoking news i got about the Narc. she texted me 8 hours later saying shed had a busy day. well I have no more faith. its was Einstein I think who said. "Most of the evil that exists in the world goes on because people just do nothing."
Jan 11 - 6PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Helldweller

I Support you. Where are these jerks? Let the Idealk take a bite right out of them. I speak my peace no matter what. Anything I say behind someones back Id say to their face. Most people aren't like that. Its all a show. I live in Fake Forest. Im sure you are familiar. I really don't fit in. I don't care. I am me, You only need one or two good friends. He is a Judge Right? Do I need to go further? They need him more than you. He is feeding them his Narc BS. Be Strong.Idealk
Jan 11 - 6PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

If it helps helldweller in

If it helps helldweller in time that is if they spend any amount of time with him at all they come to know what an ass he is. Over the years one by one as I would run into people some of his own "friends" that he and I knew as a couple it always seemed if they were apologizing for him. It still didnt take away the pain only time can do that. In a way if hadnt been thru this once before with him then there would be not telling what state I would be in right now. The one thing that has kept me going is knowing that in time the pain does go away. It did for me and it will again but a watched pot never boils.
Jan 11 - 6PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

helldweller

I'm so sorry! I know how frustrating it is. You want people to see and understand what you see. I just don't think neighbors will say much to make waves because they are only neighbors and have to see everyone in neighborhood everyday, so they don't want to make waves. That's just a thought. I totally get where you are coming from though. I'm sorry for your frustration tonight.
Jan 11 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Helldweller

I agree with all of the other comments here (supporting you) :-) that in a superficial relationship with someone it just isn't worth it to make waves. If he gets the chance to piss someone off enough, they will disappear. But otherwise, they just aren't that invested for it to matter much to them. I know you want to shout from the rooftops what a narc he is. I know you don't want him to have anyone be nice to him. I know you want him to fall off the Navy Pier into the lake and no one save him. Unfortunately, you're just going to have to wait and hopefully people will start to drop off, or not provide enough supply that he decides they are of no use to him. I'm sorry you are feeling this frustration, and while it feels like no one is on your side, what they are really doing, is not choosing sides at all.