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Why does my heart feel so bad?

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#1 Nov 17 - 11PM
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture

Why does my heart feel so bad?

I suspect he has moved on..or that he has somebody else. I saw without an actual intention that he updated his picture, on some common aquitance post. And I didn`t resisted and looked him to see how he is..

And he`s fine, he even laughed in a coupple of posts, and seems strong, empowered even. Now..I know I should feel relieved, or happy because at least, he is doing okay it seems, but why do I feel like I have failed somehow?

I know he is not deep or profound, even made that magick list of good points vs bad points, and the bad list was waaay longer than the good list. Then made a list with stuff I love about myself, and stuff I wish to change, and felt a little better.

But somehow I still feel wrong..I might have made a mistake, I mentioned to some aquitance and old friends, that "I miss the old good times", that I miss my old good times with my old friends. And I told in some of my older posts, that he may have spied me on FB, modified settings and so on. And for a week or so, nothing. Not a change, not a blink.

He got me used with those changes, like Pavlov`s dog with the reflex! And when nothing happened, I was laughing to myself, that I might have some Cognitive Dissonance or Stocklom Syndrome, because suddenly, he vanished. From everywhere, and I started "missing" his presence, as much as someone can miss him..I know, WRONG.

Dear ladies and gentlemen of the jury, why can`t I be happy finally if he is possible for him to be with someone else, or just living me alone? Why do I feel like he punishes me, with silent treatment, and anger? And most important issue, why do I care?..

I shouldn`t care, I should be glad if it`s over, r if he takes his tantrums on someone else. But I`m not really, I feel like I have failed, like I lost him forever. And I don`t know what to do.

I gave him what he wanted, I set him free, well tried. Why can`t I feel happy now that it seems to be all over?

Thank you for listening, and if you have an opinion or advice abut this, I would be glad to hear it.

Nov 18 - 11PM
empath
empath's picture

greengirl

Please block him on Facebook. You can always take him off the unblock list later (though you won't want to). Peeking at his FB page is breaking NC. Please be kinder to yourself and don't peek.
Nov 18 - 10AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Dearest greengirl,

Please do not expect too much of yourself in this process...go easy on yourself and know that it is a process and we all reach "milestones" at our own pace. Here is what I'd like to say to you. Right now the conflicting feelings you are having is because you looked on the social web site. I know you know that contact equals pain and confusion so I won't hammer you on this. Please please please please do not look. Whatever he is doing, saying, etc. is immaterial to your life! You do not have to be "happy" for him or "happy" about the situation or what you've been through. What you can be is "happy" that you are attempting to go through whatever it takes to understand and acknowledge that you have inner work to do and that you are willing to do it! You are doing it. Greengirl, I have watched you do the work and go through the struggle. Keep going! You are a sweet person with a good, kind heart and I love the way you communicate in English. It is so very endearing and lovely. You are bright and articulate! You are these things WITHOUT HIM IN YOUR LIFE! He has nothing to do with your good qualities and in fact does not enhance them. I am so proud of you for writing the lists and for writing the list about yourself. This is where your focus HAS to be, as difficult as that is. You must fight extra hard (I know, it sucks) to resist the pull to check up on him or anything to do with him. I know this is so hard because even after more than a year out, I'd be lying to you if I said the "pull" was gone. It's not. What's gone is my willingness to go with the pull. I resist it now with all my might because my sanity, my happiness, the light in my life is more valuable to me. It was very hard earned. So, greengirl, if I had a magic formula to help you get past this CD you are having (and it is because you keep searching out some sort of connection to him, to the old pattern and old script), I'd pass it along. I know you have taken our advice here. So I'm going to suggest something I literally did when I was having such trouble like this. Whenever he would pop up into my head (and it was a lot), I would say outloud (if I was at home by myself) GET OUT OF HERE. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE. I HAVE NO ROOM FOR YOU IN MY LIFE. If I was at work I would say it silently to myself. I would say it over and over and over again. After a while he didn't pop up as much and I didn't have to say it as much. To this day I still have to dismiss him now and then. It's a choice, greengirl, a choice for my desire to be healthy and happy and attract the kind of people and relationships I truly desire! That won't happen if I'm still connected to my tormentor, to the source of my pain. I hope this helps you some, green girl. I cannot wait for the day when you truly discover your wings and fly. I know it is coming. Please know that, too. Believe in yourself and your ability to move on. It's scary, but in my experience it's been an adventure worth embarking on. Most sincerely, (determined to never again be) spinning. IT'S A STRUGGLE AND A FIGHT BUT I'M IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL.

spinning

Nov 18 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture

Spinning thank you for taking

Spinning thank you for taking the time to write these thoughts to me, I needed to be reminded that. Thank you for having faith in me, when I lose my hope, or get "bumps" in the road.. I know mentally, I know the whole truth and see the big picture, but the heart..always the emotional side (!!) is way slower, because it goes deep back in childhood, and the roots, of the roots in the relationship with my parents. I know I do the right thing, but my heart tells me different sometimes, yoo know. And I make mistakes, afterall, I`m not made of stone..BUT they are.. I don`t forget and I don`t need another emotional coma to come to the same conclusion, but I miss them as my friends, in the "good" times. We had a blast, laughing and all that, as friends. Too bad those things never matter to them, as it mattered to me. And I loved the quote someone said here, that it`s funny when we women "compete" as who/which of us will be the next Ted Bundy`s victim !! It`s TRUE!.. No matter who`s blood he sucks right now, I`ve arleady been there, done that, through all those cycles and roller coasters. I`ve had my "enough" moment. And oh, I have to get away from that social network site..it`s Narc heaven there! So many aquitances go through these rollercoasters again, and again, and it triggers stuff. Yep, I have work to do! Thank you for your reply and I`m glad you like the way I write in english! I guess it comes from all those cartoons and movies I have wached. Have a wonderful day, and I hope I won`t let you down, all of you wonderful people who helped me held my head up, and hope I won`t let myself down any time soon. Peace and blessings!
Nov 18 - 6AM
EiPuff (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Greengirl91

I cried when I read your post because I feel the same. I know I should be happy to get this toxic presence out of my life but my heart hurts so bad and I can't stop crying or thinking about him. I sometimes think it would be worth it to just get a case of amnesia so I can just FORGET. Good luck to you, if you find peace, please let me know how.
Nov 18 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
greengirl91
greengirl91's picture

EiPuff, thank you for

EiPuff, thank you for sharing..the thing is, we might never get answers from these people, or the reasons why they behave the way they do. I know the whole truth..but it`s harder to accept wholeheartedly, and it hurts to know he has been "reprogrammed" and he`s fine and ges on and on. While I have had a coupple of weeks in hell, with anxiety, fear and all that. I don`t konw what I have, it`s just that thought of him being with somebody else, and the fact that I haven`t seen him in so long (thogh that is actually a good thing, lol!) and I miss the chemistry I had with him and his other fellow N buddy, we were laughing so hard, louder than I ever have with someone. I was just happy to be around him I guess..and yes, I perfectly always knew he was not good for me. That`s the core issue where I have to work on! The only solution I see now, is to be even more strict on myself, to take a brake from internet sites and everything that culd trigger me, including old friends. And simply to focus on ME, and not him. I`ll let you know if this new week works! :)