Why does forward hurt?

Rummaging through my mind and memory for signs that I missed along the way. Somewhere in my head and heart I knew many things were not right but I was so taken with the Narc professing his love and talk of a future together that I lost sight of the signs. I was the perfect target for a Narcissist. I do believe everything and everyone happens for a reason. It is only when we are broken down to our core that we emerge even stronger. I allowed the N to nearly destroy my soul.
I entered into his web with plenty of warnings from friends but went ahead and got tangled up with him anyway. It has been 4-1/2 years of lies, deceit and heartache.
This is the life with a narcissist. It’s time I cut my losses and move on. He is blocked now. I can’t block email at work but I have routed email from him straight into my Junk Email folder. Now I’m fighting for my sanity. I have spent too much time trying to make sense of a complete lie, his sexuality. I spent years believing excuse after excuse about why he wouldn't make love to me. It ripped at my self esteem. He blamed ME for sex meaning too much to me and he thought sex would "elevate" my expectations. Of course it would.

My journey is no longer about him. It's about me. I now ask why I allowed such a dark, evil miserable man who charades around as if everything is SO WONDERFUL in his fucked up life to stay in mine for so long? He is not a good man.
I have to mourn the loss and move on. I guess I’m just so sad he was never honest with me.
That’s what hurts most. Then again, he is not honest with anyone.

Happiness lies ahead...
One minute, one hour, one day at a time,
FreeMe