Why do they fear intimacy?

I think Ns fear intimacy because needing someone and truly sharing sex means being generous and not controlling. Ns have to hold the reins and so they can neither accept love nor generously give it. The whole concept of giving and sharing terrifies them. They must have the power. It's interesting though that although they fear intimacy, at the same time they know that most women crave and need it in order to feel desired and secure in a relationship. My N is a perfect example of this. He once said' I'm a bt like a woman, I can't have sex unless I'm in love.' That was interesting (in what he had decided about women!) but also a total lie. He told women he loved them to secure sex. He could fake intimacy at first, but once he'd secured what he wanted- what was the point? Also I should have remembered that he left me the first time because I was too 'intense.' Mine used text and email a lot to create an inimate relationship but don't be fooled... Those methods are not the same as face to face communication and afford the N the physical distance he needs in order to obtain what he really wants from you. On the occasions I had sex with the N, I always felt sad afterwards because I never felt close to him- and he made sure of that.

Narcissists are terrified of intimacy. Their behavior is best characterized as an approach-avoidance repetition complex. Adultery is an excellent tool in the attempt to retard intimacy and resort to a less threatening mode of interaction. Narcissists are misogynists. They hold women in contempt, they loathe and fear them. They seek to torment and frustrate them (either by debasing them sexually - or by withholding sex from them). They harbor ambiguous feelings towards the sexual act. The somatic narcissist uses sex to "conquer" and "secure" new sources of narcissistic supply. Consequently, the somatic rarely gets emotionally-involved with his "targets". His is a mechanical act, devoid of intimacy and commitment. The cerebral narcissist feels that sex is demeaning and degrading. Acting on one's sex drive is a primitive, basic, and common impulse. The cerebral narcissist convinces himself that he is above all that, endowed as he is with superior intelligence and superhuman self-control. Still, sex for both types of narcissists is an instrument designed to increase the number of Sources of Narcissistic Supply. If it happens to be the most efficient weapon in the narcissist's arsenal, he makes profligate use of it. In other words: if the narcissist cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, applause, or any other kind of attention by other means (e.g., intellectually) - he resorts to sex. He then become a satyr (or a nymphomaniac): indiscriminately engages in sex with multiple partners. His sex partners are considered by him to be objects - sources of Narcissistic Supply. It is through the processes of successful seduction and sexual conquest that the narcissist derives his badly needed narcissistic "fix". The narcissist is likely to perfect his techniques of courting and regard his sexual exploits as a form of art. He usually exposes this side of him - in great detail - to others, to an audience, expecting to win their approval and admiration. Because the Narcissistic Supply in his case is in the very act of conquest and (what he perceives to be) subordination - the narcissist is forced to hop from one partner to another. http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php?topic=6676.0;wap2 have a good weekend!!

This is a quote from the book: Malignant Self Love quoted in Lisa's book. "An episode of extreme abuse is followed by an act of great care and by apologies. The N Pendulum swings between the extremes of torturing others and empathically soothing the resulting pain. This incongruous behaviour, these "sudden" shifts between sadism and altruism, abuse and "love", ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, viciousness and remorse, the harsh and the tender – are, perhaps, the most difficult to comprehend and to accept. These swings produce in people around the narcissist emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self-worth, fear, stress, and anxiety ("walking on eggshells"). Gradually, emotional paralysis ensues and they come to occupy the same emotional wasteland inhabited by the narcissist, his prisoners and hostages in more ways than one – and even when he is long out of their life." How can anybody be intimate, which requires vulnerbaility, with this dysfunction going on?

it requires feelings. Remember, Ns lack empathy, they can't relate to anyone or put themselves in anyone else's shoes. As such, intimacy is dreaded because it requires a key personality aspect that they lack. Best to avoid it and keep to a non committal, pleasure driven relationship. But that doesn't fly for most non Ns...so they may act intimate initially until they have secured you...then...the intimacy starts to fade away.