Why do I keep thinking about the OW

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#1 Jan 2 - 11AM
safyre99
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Why do I keep thinking about the OW

I don't know why I keep thinking about my exN's new girlfriend. I don't know her and have never met her but I saw some photos of her on facebook and some comments she had written on my exN's page. I keep comparing myself to her. And I keep thinking he's probably treating her really good and he's different with her and she might be the one he ends up marrying. I don't know why I can't just feel that she's the unlucky one, he's her problem, and she has to deal with all his issues now, and that I'm the lucky one to be away from him. Why do I still miss him? My head says I'm the lucky one but my heart says something different. My head says I'm better off without him but my heart says I want him in my life. I wish we could just turn off our emotions sometimes or have our heart catch up to what our mind says!

Jan 3 - 5PM
gettinbetter
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Take heart

It wont be different with her I promise It wont. The only variables are the length of the relationship and the method of D&D and how long she can take it. Thats all the end result will be the same. I know many of you know my story (so sorry if im repeating) but Safyre mine came back after 15 years and nothing had changed though in the beginning it seemed as though it might have but now I look back all of the signs were there. He never married huge red flag when you are 43 and super hot. All of the exes since me have done him wrong ba blah blah blah and just as before I was abandoned by him after a bunch of lofty promises. In fact it happened much faster this time. IT WILL NOT BE DIFERENT FOR HER! the only difference will how much abuse she can endure and what type he will use. Thats it period.
Jan 3 - 11AM
shortway
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Hi Safyre... I am in the

Hi Safyre... I am in the SAME situation as you..I actually made up a facebook account that I thought the OW would accept and she did..To find out information about how he cheated on me with her..I looed at her wall and lined up the dates and figured out it was her etc etc...There was a time there where I kept it going after that and checked her wall to see what they were up to..So not good for you!...However,I came to the point where I deleted the account and said I don't give a F what they are doing..first of all 1-how fake is your relationship if you have to write to each other on FB on each other wall's..There is something missing if so..Wouldn't you just write a text etc..Very fake. 2-who cares what they are doing..My OW is butt-ugly and it is very offensive that I did everything for him and he could do what he did for THAT... 3-Once you fully don't check you will get out of the mind of the N...trust me on this..I put my hand in the fire repeatedly looking.. and for what? To see them kissing in pictures,to see him send her flowers..Give me a break.what is this high school..So not intimate..Trust me.don't look..block him so you don't have to..
Jan 2 - 9PM
StillHurting
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Cargo....

I am here in a work situation, too, and trying to get out of it so I won't have to deal with this person anymore. No OW, but still forced to speak a few times a week with the narc. Wow, I don't know how you can even do this; it must be very difficult. Yes, her day will come soon enough.
Jan 2 - 9PM
Timehelps2
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I work with my exN and his

I work with my exN and his new OW, it's a nightmare of a soap oprea I could never make up. He never aknowledges the relationship to me and she doesn't either but we all know our roles, we all have a lot to loose if we are revealed. I can only imagine the stories he's told her. I have watched for months the highs and lows of their "love" and spats, which I am not really ashamed to say, I enjoy. Everytime time I witness an obvious fight they've had I wait for the d&d or her to end it. But alass, they seem to always be back together. I am tempted so many times to go up to her and say "You realize he's a compulsive liar? Ask his mom and watch her silent reaction to the repeated patterns! Don't just believe me." I'm afraid for her, he will use her just long enough to crush her when she turns 40 and the she will feel old & used, already once divorced with a handicapped child. He's 30 and she will feel taken and foolish just like I did. I'm sure she's a motherly giving supply like I was. The OW, feel sorry for her or jealous? I go back and forth. Thankful the looser is on to someone else. Jealous because I know what that honeymoon feeling is like. Hope he only uses her for a long time because it keeps him from victimizing more women if he's focus on her (sick reasoning, I know). Wish I just never knew him or what he's doing know.
Jan 2 - 9PM
StillHurting
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I do the same thing

I always wonder how he treats his wife and if he lied about everything he said about his relationship with her. I think it is natural to be curious. To me it means that somewhere down deep I consider him a liar of sorts. If not, I would believe his tall tale. I doubt she is better than you in any way, and later on she will also be treated badly. Please don't worry about it too much.
Jan 2 - 8PM
Deidre99
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safyre

The reality too, safyre is...is that in the beginning, these men were not normal either. Their ''niceness''...really wasn't normal either, if we look back. The two men I was with, past and the present narc...were way over the top...moved too fast too quickly. Talked about marriage early on. Like way early on. At the time, it sounds so romantic. But, looking back...it's weird. They move so fast, because they can't keep the lid on who they really are for very long...so, they have to get us hooked quickly. So, when you look back at all of the memories...think about how his nice ways, really weren't all that nice. They were over the top ways to lure you into falling in love with him. Meanwhile, he was never in love. I won't go as far as to say these guys lie to us...but, in a way, they do. I just don't think they're capable of normal, healthy relationships with women. So, even in the beginning stages, they operate in an abnormal way. But...it's a process. You'll heal. Just take each day as it comes. :)
Jan 2 - 7PM
Scotchy71
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safyre

So true, all of these comments and totally right!!!! Every woman/man these people seek out in the beginning, he treats like gold, he has to...I mean, who would be with these cretins if they were to show their true selves in the beginning???? They have to be nice and dreamy otherwise their very existence would crumble and their very survival depends on being adored. But it's true, they can't keep it up, it's not really them! Imagine trying to be someone you're not...eventually the real person always shows up, the minute the slightest thing annoys them, the ow/m feels their fury...it's inevitable....they cannot change...sadly she will see that all too soon enough. Mine was great for 2 months in total but the red flags were there, I was too wrapped up in his "uniqueness" to question it - but not too long in, I could see the real him and she will too, just like you did, and the woman before you did etc.....xx
Jan 2 - 7PM
Susan32
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Sometimes you see the bad side...

I met the OW only once. She could've been confused for the ex-Psych professor's sister, since she was a brunette (like him), dressed in a manly way, and had a crew cut like him. She and I introduced ourselves after a concert. She had been in an LDR, she had been living in LA before coming to New Mexico. When the two of them sat together, they acted like siblings instead of lovers. If he was going to the trouble of flaunting his girlfriend to hurt me, why not go ALL THE WAY and have a public make-out session? Oddly, I was angrier that the ex-P: 1)Hadn't told me about her. She was nice. 2)Was so quick in running away when I introduced myself to her. He was out the door. He basically abandoned her. 3)Didn't introduce her to his colleagues. He passed up a golden opportunity to make me look crazy, and managed to eff that up!!! I didn't like the way he treated HER. She had to run down the stairs to join him, and when she and I had our nice conversation, he was giving me the evil eye. Yikes. I wanted to tell the ex-P "If you treat your girlfriend badly, tonight you'll dine in Hell*." *"Tonight we dine in Hell" is the challenge of the Spartan King to the Persian Xerxes in "300."
Jan 2 - 1PM
momoya
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I was contacted by the OW no

I was contacted by the OW no FB and viewed her photos too. She liked taking photos of herself and she posted a new one almsot everyday. From that contact she told me alot of how they met, what he said to her, we compared lies. I compared myself to her. I read up on the Narc Madoona / Whore complex. Between me, his wife and OW we all shared similar traits, we all had similar features, hair color. I confirmed his strange and repititive behavior patterns, learned of specific arguments with his wife, his same strange silent treatment towards her. We aren't missing out. It is hard to reconcile that when they spend so much time and effort convincing you they really love you.

momoya

Jan 3 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
agnesmurphy17
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OW ain't happy

I, too, was contacted by the woman who replaced me after she left him. Also, I contacted the ex-wife. And I know people who knew the woman whom I replaced. He was the same abusive creature to all of us! Used the same lines of endearments . . . wrote the same love letters. Lied about everything. The woman who replaced me got physical abuse fairly quickly. The relationship lasted only 10 months. I was with him about 2 years before the physical abuse started. But my psychological - verbal abuse was worse. The ex-wife was really physically attacked & after almost 20 years the psychological abuse was beyond the pale. The people who knew the woman who preceded me just say the man is "sinister" and "abusive" based on what she told them. Which confirms what I believe: He's plain evil. They never really change. Just variations on the means of abuse. Varied to suit the weaknesses of the victim. The honeymoon is so short-lived to hardly be worth hankering after. Good times come at a very heavy price.
Jan 2 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
Deidre99
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momoya

Regarding similar characteristics. Like hair color. Yes, the girls after me...have all resembled me. At least they have good taste, riiiight? hahaha :=) I would love to see pics of his mom in her younger days. That would tell me a lot, I think. I bet she looks like all the OW and me. Just a hunch.
Jan 3 - 12AM (Reply to #8)
Susan32
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Similar characteristics

Brunette, short hair, the OW (whom the ex-P impregnated then married)... looked JUST LIKE ME. I wanted to joke ruefully to him "Either my parents didn't tell me I had a twin sister or you didn't tell me you already had a girlfriend. Or Both." She was a more masculine version of me. Unlike me, she never wore anything feminine... that saved her from the "slut" label. But when I heard about her being pregnant with twins, I felt terrible for her. I know how the ex-P ripped into me when I was mourning my grandfather;he saw my "weakness" and punished me mightily for it. I can only imagine what hell she went through with the weight gain, the weird cravings, the hormones, the morning sickness AND him... I'm glad I left town, because if I had stayed&seen her agony, I would've probably gone out of my way to make the ex-P miserable. I would've been like the ancient Greek Furies who drove wrongdoers to madness (and I knew he was disordered already, so I'd pile it on remorselessly)
Jan 3 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
Deidre99
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susan

susan...this ex narc ...sounds absolutely HORRID. He sounds so much like the first narc I was with...very brooding. Anger filled rages. Did he throw things, susan? I had slippers and all kinds of things thrown at me...I remember him telling me...''D, you'll make a horrible wife.'' (because I would not iron one night) *eye roll* Your ex sounds like him. He had a Ph. D...VERY brainy. I thought that was sexy at first...but once he had his claws into me, all that changed. Very scary, indeed!
Jan 2 - 1PM
safyre99
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Thank you allthatglitters and Deidre

Thank you allthatglitters and Deidre for your comments and encouragement. Yes, I'm sure the OW is seeing my exN's "good" side now... the facade that he hooked me in with at the beginning of our relationship. But, it's not his true self and I should be happy to be away from his true self, since that side of him is cruel, critical, distant, unemotional, vain, selfish... and so much more!! I'm not "friends" with the OW on FB... her profile is private, but I'm able to view some of her photos and I saw comments she left on my exN's page. But, I agree that I have to stop looking on FB... it does nothing but hurt, and I actually feel anxiety when I login to FB now. I wonder what I'm going to see and read and if it will cause me more pain. Why do that to myself? And, I agree that FB only shows part of the story... it's not the complete picture or the whole story. My exN and his new gf might appear like they're so happy but who knows what goes on behind closed doors and how he's treating her and what she's putting up with. Better her than me, right?!!! Hugs
Jan 2 - 12PM
Deidre99
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This is very easy to do,

This is very easy to do, you're not alone. Something that might help, is to block him on FB. Then, you won't be tempted to look. We tend to open up old wounds, when we keep going back to places where we can see what's happening in our narc's lives. I think it's important to seal that part of your life off...don't look anymore at FB. Challenge yourself. See if you can go a day without looking...then two days...pretty soon, you will lose track, and won't be tempted anymore to look. I think that by looking, you keep the whole thing going in your mind. I think that you open up a wound that is trying so desperately to heal, but looking at what this new woman is doing...what ''they'' are doing. It's very hard to retrain our minds. It's very hard to let go...but, if you ever hope to heal. You have to let go. I too have had similar thought about the narc from my life. But, what has helped me, is I KNEW I was good to him. I was good as a gf...I was good as a friend. I was great, even. lol He kept threatening to end our friendship. He kept putting me down. I ended things, finally...and at the end of the day, safyre. When you know without a doubt that you were a good person to this man, and because of his disorder...he is unable to really have healthy relationships...you will accept it all. He is not able to have healthy, sustaining relationships. FB is only 1/2 the story. FB only shows the world the good stuff. So...you're seeing 1/2 the story. And frankly. You put up with a lot. So did I. He might be a total jerk to this new woman, and she is tolerating it. Narcs typically have a certain type of woman they go after. She typically is of the sort that has her life together on the outside, but inside, she is vulnerable, for whatever the reason. A true narc can pick up on that quickly...and then he exploits it. If he marries her...most likely, it's because she has a higher tolerance level than you for bullshit. lol Look at it that way. The first narc I dated...we had a longterm thing. He was horrible. I thought about the women he might date after me. He went after the same type of woman. I ignored him for a while, and then one night after nearly two years of breaking up, he called me...to gain sympathy over the new woman wanting a restraining order on him. Hmmm....things got WORSE for the narc, after I departed. haha So...see? These man don't change. They just change women. I hope this helps. Please try not to look at FB for a few days. You'll see that once you stop that, you won't have these thoughts as much of the OW. **HUGS** hang in there...it will get better.
Jan 2 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
MsVulcan500
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It's Not Worth It

It's just not worth looking at FB. It only gets your imagination going and makes you wonder about what it going on with the narc. FB is a glimpse into someone's life. It isn't the whole picture. You have absolutely no idea what is going on behind closed doors. But when you see the smiling pictures, it makes you think that the NW is getting the good him, while you got the bad. It will drive you insane! No good ever comes of it. When you were with the narc, did you post statuses that said "narc lied to me once again", "narc wouldn't eat what I made for dinner again", "narc cheated on me again". No, you did not. So to the outside world your life with the narc was just peachy, while you had the whole sordid story that you were keeping to yourself. So looking at FB does no good. It is just as fake as he is. Try, try, try to not look.
Jan 2 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
safyre99
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So true MsVulcan

So true MsVulcan that I do feel the NW is getting the "good" side of my exN or that he may have changed for her and that he showed me the side of him that's bad... it does drive me crazy thinking about it!! You're right that I have to stop thinking about that and to stop looking at FB. What appears on FB may actually not be what's really happening. Things might appear good but in reality and behind closed doors he's probably treating her the same way he treated me, or will at some point.
Jan 3 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
fedup
fedup's picture

I believe Ms. V is right.

I'd like to add--when you really think about it,who is going to present anything less than a rosy picture on FB? I suspect most people's pride wouldn't let them. So, it can't be that accurate of a gauge of what's happening in someone's lovelife........