Why do I keep on googling..

I did the same thing. I actually spent money on an ebook telling me how to get my ex back. Now, that is pathetic. My ex told me the day before he moved out that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and he was worried I would tell him to leave. I promised my husband I wouldn't do that. He left the next day. He wouldn't respond to my phone calls or my text messages. He came to my home and got his belongings while I was at work. I had no contact with him for 2 months. He left me with a mountain of credit card debt and a mortgage to pay. It's been 15 months and I still haven't spoken to him. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but know you are not alone. xoxo.

Sarah787, the sad truth is that, while I am not googling him, every week or so I feel so very down (he has not called me one single in the 4 months since he left and divorced me) that I think of calling him. I miss him. He was my best friend. And I just called. yes, managed NC for a few weeks but broke down and called him. Of course he did not answer, which is always the case. He is in Europe, where we used to live together, and I am now back in the US. I am powerless because he has so completely discarded me--without there being another woman- that none of our friends or family understand what happened (truest me, he came up with lots of horrible excuses) but the worst part is that I can not reach him. How do you erase someone from your life? People have told me to pretend that he died. All I can see right now is him looking at his celllphone, seeing that I called, and rejecting it. Why? What did I ever do to him? I have received so many messages of support on this board, but there are days when I do not feel like life is worth living. I am seeing a therapist and know that, logically, he is twisted (what he is is the "kind, sweet narcissist" who never used a bad word in front of me, never cheated, never degraded me in an obvious way") and deliberately messed with my mind for 5 years with promises of children, a home, even a lovely dog!!, then threw away our marriage without explanation. It hurts like hell. It makes you question who you can trust in life. It makes me wonder if life is worth living (don't worry, I am not going to do anything crazy) and, above all, if I am lovable (I was once a gorgeous, smart, outgoing person but when I now look in the mirror, I don't see that 35 year old beauty anymore. She has disappeared into a shell, and I can barely even look at myself). How did we "allow" them to do this to us, or at least in my case how did I allow him to "kill"the person I was, without even knowing it. I feel like I died the day he left.

Listen to Introspection and the others. They are so right. I'm sort of having a second "down" day in a row, but I'm doing whatever I can to be constructive. I think it's the fact that weekends are sometimes harder on me, or maybe it's because it's a holiday weekend, so we assume they're out having a great time and are happy with someone else. I don't think I pine for mine as much as I miss just having friends to hang out with. I'm still talking to the wife of a friend of his (although she's been out of contact for a couple of days - I'm hoping it's just because she went into labor), and I hope she and I can be friends, and maybe friends with her husband, too, and I'm trying to maintain or restart other friendships, but it's hard. Is it really him you miss, or are you bored? Lonely? Insecure? I bet it's more those things than him himself, you know? I don't recall where you live, but I'll be your friend regardless. Anytime you want to talk. Just like most of the people here. Hang in there, sweetie. You and I are both stronger than we think.

Sarah, you need to seek a therapist immediately. One who understands and treats PTSD. The most important thing to work on is that you feel you need this predator's attention to feel worth something. Your self-worth cannot come from someone else, and certainly not from a lying snake. Please, please seek some help! Or you will end up with someone as bad as or worse than your narc, or take him back if he decides to suck you back in for some entertainment. The reason it feels like addiction is because it IS addiction.

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You deserve so much more! Please know that. Give yourself time to grieve before you move on. I can tell you from my own experience of jumping from one relationship to another, it only prolongs the pain. Hang in there. You are not alone. xoxo

Some parts of your posting left me somewhat perplexed. Fox example: you are googling "how to get my ex back." You really want him back????? "Some days I feel so so strong. Today I find myself feeling desperate again. Fearful that I'll never find someone to love me like he did." I hope you never find someone to FAKE that he loved you the way your XN did. You do understand that HE NEVER LOVED YOU, RIGHT Sarah? This is an important component. "Has anyone else been dumped by a narc?" All of us on this forum. "He literally hasn't initiated contact since we broke up 4 months ago. I decided on NC 40 days ago, but I am desperately waiting for him to contact me." The reason for NC is to start the recovery process. It appears you may be using this as a "silent" treatment to pursuade him to contact you??? No Contact is for victims that understand that they must move on without the N. The beginning of the rest of your life without him. Only when you have accepted that he is NOT GOOD FOR YOU can you begin the healing process. "...I guess just to know he missed me..." He doesn't miss you the way you would like him to miss you, he does not love you! "just to know I am worth something." You are worth a lot, you should not be looking for him to validate your worth as you will only be setting yourself up for pain and failure! "Isn't that pathetic?" This is a normal reaction for victims. "A week before he broke up with me...he told me how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me." This is part of the seduction to get you to fall in love with him. Its all a fantasy and not true, he does not have the ability to love. "He told me how much he loved me. Than BAM it's like I never existed." Join the club; we've been erased and we feel lucky!!! "I know he hasn't met someone else..he just joined match.com..because I saw that he looked at my profile. ( Don't worry I blocked him)" This is the least of our worries! You should leave the dating seen for a bit to recover from this experience. This is one of the most horrifc experiences you will ever have to endure. They leave much confussion and pain with all the lies they exposed us to. You need to move on truly go NC...which is, he does not exist and he SHOULD never return to your life. Everytime you allow him back, it will only prolong this pain and you will have to start the recovery process from ground zero. Be good to yourself sweetheart and forget him. Hope this helps!

I can relate to all that you've been doing - I'm honestly starting to feel like it's an addiction or something. I hate, hate, hate it, but I am getting somewhat better. I think that the hardest part for me was the "here today, gone tomorrow" abruptness of it all - that has totally shocked me as I honestly didn't see it coming! The only thing I remember was that the sexual part was way out of proportion and he was always exhibiting himself to me until finally I said it was way over the top. It was that comment that he says crushed him "ruined his sovreignity as a man". Can you believe that line? I know about hoping he misses you, but he honestly can't be having all great days! I think our imagination is sometimes our worst enemy. Maybe we can support each other through this, I hope so!

I hope you never find someone else to love you like he did, his so called love was a crap. I hope you find someone that respects you, your opinions, treats you right from a place of sharing and concern and truly loves you for who you are, not uses you for what he needs at the time. That's what I want for myself and everyone else on the board.