Why do I hate myself??

It has been a while since I've been on here. I thought I had it all solved, and then I didn't and then I was in the midst of it all again.

I don't even know how long I've been re engaged with him. But it of course has been hell. I mean, there weren't any moments where things were good. It was all bad. He kept getting so mad that I ended it. He would beg me to try again, so that he could fix what he did wrong. At this point, I knew I would never leave my husband to be with him. I told him that. But he was in pure denial. It was so strange. It became clearer and clearer to me that he was not living in reality. But I went along with it, thinking I could somehow show him that it wasn't going to work and that it was over. I guess that makes me crazier than he is.

So it got bad. I wouldn't contact him. He started making vague threats. I told him I was going to call the police. He went ballistic. Then he went to a rehearsal he knew I would be attending and tried to get me to quit the play (why??) and he insisted I talk to him and work this out. I was terrified of him. I said I would meet him after just to get him to leave, then I texted him to say I wouldn't. I had people walk me to my car, but they would have anyway. Everyone was wondering who this scary man who was not my husband was.

I know I am supposed to block him, but I have done that, and he always gets through. I am also afraid to block him now, because I am afraid of what he might do. On top of this all I happened to randomly find out last night (really, it was a fluke) that there was a time when he was with me when he was heavily pursuing another woman. Someone was talking about texts she'd seen someone get, saying all the kinds of things that he had said to me. This woman was married too.

It was good that I heard that. I feel stung, and stupid, but I needed to hear that.

But really, I can't figure out why I hate myself so much that I would do this to myself, and keep prolonging it. I just want my old life back. I made a stupid, horrible mistake, and feel like maybe I don't deserve a good life. I don't know. Now I'm just rambling and feeling sorry for myself...