why do I feel suicidal?

11 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 11 - 3AM

Dee30

why do I feel suicidal?

oh these horrible painful feelings wont go away. I think i have major depression. I don't know how much more suffering i can take. why do I have to care always about being strong. I hate it i just want everyone to go away. why do i feel like that. half the time i just wanna die. make this pain go away. i feel pathetic, i hate when ppl tell me get over it. why why cant that bastard pay for all this pain why is it me that has to just get over it. im messed up guys. it hurts i feel so much pain in me. everytime i think of the horrible stuff he put me thru it hurts. his sorry doesnt cut it, his u will find someone nice doesnt work either. why does he get to happily move on and im such a loser that ican't. somethings wrong with me or im just pathetic. somedays i just feel like he wants me dead. id k i m just so depreseed.

#2 Jan 11 - 9AM

spinning

Dee, dearheart, do you have a therapist?

Please seek help for your feelings. You could call your regular MD and inquire about the possibility of meds or call a crisis line or women's shelter if these feelings persist. A one-on-one with Goldie would also be most helpful. Dee, please take care of yourself and address these feelings with a professional. Sincerely, (not) spinning

spinning

#3 Jan 11 - 9AM

Sparrow

Dee, I am so sorry that you

Dee, I am so sorry that you are finding yourself in such darkness. I know that the words "It will be ok" or "you will find someone else" doesn't really help you right now. They couldn't possibly, because you are so deep in sorrow that they don't seem true. What you are experiencing right now is very normal, and you will heal eventually. You are not alone in this, we all can relate on one level or another. You just want the pain to go away, and the thoughts of suicide seem the easiest route. But it isn't and I am sure you know that. Please give yourself time to heal, you are heart broken, you feel unloved, and you feel that you are not good enough. You feel this way because a/or many disordered people in your life have brought you to this place of darkness. It is up to you to find your way out, and you will, with the help and guidance of your friends here on the forum and your therapist. I remember all too well, being in the darkness you are in right now. It's as if someone you trusted, led you by the hand, into the deepest part of the forest and left you there for dead, with no breadcrumbs to lead you back out. You will find your way out though, and when you do, you will find yourself so empowered! This feeling will last a little while. Just recognize it for what it is, and fight to keep your sanity about yourself. Read as much as you can and learn all there is to learn not only of the disordered but about yourself. It's a journey worth taking my friend, it doesn't seem like it right now, but if you persevere, you will look back on all of this and smile at yourself and your accomplishments. Life can be beautiful, life is beautiful. And yours will be one day, just wait and see. Stay strong! Big hugs sent your way!

#4 Jan 11 - 5AM

jackguy

dee30

Keep reading about psychopathy and narcissism...the more you come to see your ex's disorder, the less significant his d&d of you will become...you will see that it had absolutely NOTHING to do with you and WAS NO Reflection on you at all...I do personally believe that we have tendencies, learnt in childhood of suppressing our needs, feelings, wishes, which made us attractive to a narc...but even these tendencies are mostly a reflection on how we have been treated before and how we have treated ourselves... When my exn split up with me I felt utterly worthless, destroyed, obsessed, had times of suicidal ideation as they call it when I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up...this was because of the violation and also because the d&d and brought up a lot of buried pain within me... These days I am generally feeling a lot better...I wouldn't say I'm recovered...I have slightly schizoid tendencies at the moment...don't trust anyone, or want to see anyone but I am slowly grasping the bigger picture... I do see my exn as a pathological narcissist, possibly an outright psychopath...I know her actions towards me were ALL just an impersonal manifestation of her disorder...that I was only ever just a symbol...her opinions, actions etc have become far, far less important in my mind.

#5 Jan 11 - 4AM

bgirl

I felt exactly the same...plz

I felt exactly the same...plz msg me...I'll stay on if u would like me to? Just let me know. Hope u r ok?

#6 Jan 11 - 3AM

Tigerlily

Withdrawal symptoms and PTSD.

And we`ve all been through it to get to where we are now, and you can too. I was suicidal and suffered from major depression when I got out, too. You will get over it if you stay NC. You`re not a loser, no way. And people who can`t see why you can`t get over it have no experience of breaking up with a narc. - which is very different to breaking up with a normal person. Dee, it`s baby steps. Do things that make you feel good, even if it doesn`t work to start with!. Read as much as you can about the disorder and stay close to us. Post anytime you feel bad, there will always be someone to answer. And go for a walk or a run or do sport to let off steam. Start caring for yourself instead of for him - little by little, you will start to feel better. So - grit your teeth and bear it! Good luck, my sister in suffering. Tigerlily

#7 Jan 11 - 3AM (Reply to #2)

Dee30

Tigerlily

Its been a week i can't sleep. I have a 4 hour exam and i can't sleep nor think. I feel like a failure, I feel like no one cares. Im at wits ends. I feel basically f**** up, obsessed with him. i hate him yet i loved him. n i hate my self for loving him. whats wrong with me. why am i obsessed.??? he doesnt even care but why cant i except it. am i going mad?? i overdosed once. i dont want to do it again but i m so emotional at times. and so angry i jsut wanna die. i hate having ti be strong why do i have to so strong. all the shit i went thru all my life. all i was ever told was to be strong. it like im so messed up i dont know who i am anymore, neither i care i f i live or die half the time. if someone took care of my kids i would easily end my life. im jsut so tired, so tired

#8 Jan 11 - 8AM (Reply to #6)

TNR1

Dee...first, if you truly

Dee...first, if you truly feel suicidal....call the suicide prevention hotline and speak to someone. Find a therapist if you don't already have one. I am a true believer that these boards are part of the process, but a one on one therapist is also critical to help you as you experience painful feelings. Second, you are too hard on yourself. You are expecting yourself to move through the stages too quickly. Slow down. Allow yourself to grieve!!! If you don't allow yourself to grieve, your body is going to get worn down because you need to grieve, but aren't letting yourself do it. That is what a therapist can help you with. Narcs are not easy to get over and the process of untangling ourselves from them usually uncovers other wounds and hurts that need to be met with love and not self hate. HUGs!!

#9 Jan 11 - 3AM (Reply to #5)

Tigerlily

Withdrawal symptoms and PTSD, sweetheart!

Look into them, and you`ll understand better why you feel this way. A relationship with a narc. is an addiction. You are in the same position as a heroin addict going cold turkey, for starters. Secondly, you probably have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder too). Are you in therapy? I very strongly recommend getting a good therapist, if you aren`t. By a good therapist, I mean one with some understanding of PDs. Otherwise, get it all out. Write everything you feel down as it comes up, or post it here. Exercise will help to get it out, too. Punch your pillow, yell, cry - do whatever you need to to get it out. You CAN and WILL survive this, sweetie. We have all stood where you are standing now, and we`re living proof that it`s possible. Hugs Tigerlily

#10 Jan 11 - 3AM (Reply to #3)

Snowflake

Dee

I will be back on in fifteen (around quarter to ten uk time) do you want to chat hon on private chat? big hug to you x

#11 Jan 11 - 3AM (Reply to #4)

Dee30

snowflake i messaged u

messaged u

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