Why did they tell us how much they fell in love with others?

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#1 Mar 7 - 6AM

jen79

Why did they tell us how much they fell in love with others?

And in such a convincing manner.
This is the only thing that still keeps me wondering if he might be a narc or not.

Why did they tell us that? I never had the feeling it was to make me jealous but to keep me on a distance. So I understand, why he couldnt be with me?

Any thoughts. What if they can really fall in love, but only with women that arent available, no fear of commitment there?

#2 Mar 8 - 5AM

Susan32

It was ALWAYS with the simile...

The ex-Psych professor was into comparing things... but it was usually with a TV show or a movie he had watched. At one point, he was comparing me, in class, to the goggle-eyed drooling aliens who appear on the "Treehouse of Horror" episodes of "The Simpsons." It sounds like MOST Ns/Ps here were the type who always used "I" statements. It's an "I want this, I want that, I'm this, I'm that." Not mine. The ex-P compared himself to Ludwig Wittgenstein, who beat up his "stupid" schoolchildren and ran away from it when an aggrieved father confronted him. He compared himself to Leo Tolstoy and Arthur Schopenhauer, who were both rejected by younger women. It was a case of "see, I'm a genius, but empty-headed younger women don't appreciate it and reject ME." Unlike Schopenhauer and Tolstoy, the ex-P didn't produce *ANYTHING* original. And he hasn't in the ensuing decade since the D&D. No epic novel. No huge treatises on the nature of existence. The ex-P would talk about how Schopenhauer spent his final years with a female sculptor who admired his writings... and as a twisted coincidence, the ex-P's live-in girlfriend was quite masculine (just like Schopenhauer's female sculptor companion)... Schopenhauer's companion presented herself as single when she was married... so did the ex-P present himself as single despite having a girlfriend. The ex-P would say "What if I dumped you for an heiress?" because that's what happens in "War and Peace",when Nicolai Rostov rejects his childhood sweetheart, the poor orphan Sonya, for Princess Marya. He'd compare himself to the indecisive Pierre who has problems with women;he'd say that he'd be humorless&reciting Bible verses on his estate like Tolstoy (except he had an apartment, not an estate) He'd compare me to Sonya and Natasha from "War and Peace"--and I'd say, "I'm not them. I'm not a character in a novel." He'd compare me to Sofia Tolstoy, saying that he had "scars of love" after our arguments (Leo claimed he had "scars of love" whenever they fought) He was *ALWAYS* acting in comparison with something else. Except he compared me to fictional characters who never existed, or historical figures.

#3 Mar 8 - 2AM

agnesmurphy17

Manipulation

They tell you how much they loved another woman to manipulate you. Their love is the carrot they hold before you. YOU work & work & work to make him happy so that he will one day say: "I love you more than I loved ex-girlfriend." And, while you are slaving away to make him happier than ex-girlfriend, well, life is good for him. Why does he tell you he loves you so much? Keeps you in there after an abusive episode. Mine told me & the woman who followed me: "You make me happier than any woman in my life ever has." This means, I do not want to end this; I want us to be together because why would anybody leave or end a relationship with the person who makes them the happiest. The unsaid is . . . I am better with you than with any other woman & I can get better still because I am better now than with them. Another carrot dangling to keep you in there. And, the carrot dangles the illusion that if YOU work hard enough--things will change. The illusion that YOU have some control. You have absolutely no control. You are a marionette on strings & he manipulates YOU.

#4 Mar 8 - 5AM (Reply to #36)

IncognitoBurrito

Thumbs Up, Agnes.

I whole-heartedly agree. I believe they also throw other women in our faces, because we really are, truly, just that dispensable to these types! It boosts their egos to have a laundry list of women vying for their attention. It probably speeds up the D & D process, as well. It gives them less dirty work to do, to get you off of their backs, once they're done with you. They're even lazy about doing their own dirt. So, they let us do it for them. Clueless, as we were, we kept trying to out-do the last girl, to win his approval! (Nobody who loves you will ever leave you feeling the need to do that!) We didn't know it was one, big charade! We told ourselves, with his help, that we'd be different from the others! The harder we tried, the less desirable we became to him. He loved watching us squirm, while he moved onto the next fresh supply. He felt superior, in having duped us. Well, so be it! Congrats! Enjoy that little ego stroke now, because you won't get it again, not from me! When someone truly loves you, they don't even see anyone else, let alone SPEAK about them with frequency. You practically have to shake an opinion about another girl out of them. It's not that other women don't exist, it's that he isn't even interested, in the least, in them. The LAST thing a guy who's in love with you would ever do, is to leave you feeling in competition for his attention/affection. He simply wouldn't want to risk losing you, for a stupid head game like that. He doesn't make you feel utterly vulnerable and self-conscious. He makes you feel cherished, special, and most of all, COMFORTABLE. That's what a fool in love acts like.

#5 Mar 7 - 7PM

gettinbetter

Yes Jen you are exactly right

Yes Jen you are exactly right God does not want this for me. I know that and in some odd way I think he didnt want to do it to me again. I know its a stretch to say he would have any decency but the fact is he could have completely destroyed me, my life, my family but he didnt he stopped and I can still remember hearing him say (after months of say he loved me) sick of it he will treat you better than I will. I really think he was sincere and telling me run as fast as you can because if you stay Im gonna destroy you.

#6 Mar 7 - 6PM

apple

Jen!!!

Because they are EMOTIONAL FAKERS and they want us to hurt and be jealous!!! Really another example of crazy making. Mine would do that ALL the time too!! He would talk about her in this sweet, melancholy nostalgic voice like she was his long lost love and he would desribe how very hotttt she was. Then the next time I would see him... he would forget that he said all of that stuff and talk about how boring she was. WTF?? I couldn't figure it out.

#7 Mar 8 - 4AM (Reply to #33)

MandyM

Mine would do that with me

Mine would do that with me regarding a good female friend of his who he claimed was in love with him. He'd talk about how he didn't feel the same way, that they were only friends and not even as good of friends as she thought, and that she was psychologically crazy, and he'd tear her to shreds with me listing all the things he hated about her . . . but he saw her and spoke to her and hung out with her every day, when he'd blow me off on a regular basis. I would go insane with jealousy, and then when he left, it hurt so badly that he would choose a "crazy" woman over me to be friends with.

#8 Mar 7 - 9PM (Reply to #32)

jen79

cherryblossom

exactly! Gosh our two narcs equal each other so much. Thats exactly what mine did. This nostalgic voice, with one hand on his heart, speaking while looking in the air far far away...so fucking convincing. Then saying things like, she made me feel alive, it was a mistake to leave her. I sabotaged it too much, but I want to be there for her blahblah. And then saying, you make too much pressure, people dont fall in love with people who are crazy, when asking why he is texting me sexual and doesnt want to see me again at the same time again. Its all bullshit, all of it. They will never change, I can feel it now. Its scary how convincing they can be. I guess they are doing the same thing to every woman they meet. Always someone who they love more. Its so evil, beyond any description. I feel like the last spell is broken over me. I dont even long for him sexual anymore, since I know even that was all fake. He is a fraud, and that will never change. I will move on and fall in love again. He will never know what love really means and he will die alone, I know it.

#9 Mar 7 - 2PM

Hunter

Better Question

Better yet, WHy did they tell us how much they love us? Idealk

#10 Mar 7 - 2PM (Reply to #30)

faithinthefuture

because

because we were "the one" who they got away with the most...we kept hope...we believed all the bullshit lies they told us who knows why they did. wish I had the answer. And Jen the pain goes away...well it lessens with time. I didn't think it would ever stop when this all came down. But it does. After awhile when you can look past what we thought they were and what we thought we had and you see what they really are you won't want anything to do with him. I'm 11 months NC and there are still days I can't wrap it around my brain what happened. I still try to make sense of it all and accept that it was all fake on his part. It's tough. But when I think of how he treated me and lied to me and cheated on me I have no problem with accepting it is over and he lost. I know he has used the same lines on the OWs that he used on me and I don't know whether it disgusts me or makes me laugh my ass off or both. They truly are pathetic. Was it you Jen that the xNs birthday was yesterday? My xNs is today. For the first time in 10 yrs he will not hear from me. I have no idea if he cares or is thinking about that. I do hope so. I have a feeling he is and I'll be damned if I will contact him. I honestly have no desire to. In the past I would've thought "ok as a friend I will, as a good human being I will" Not this year. or any in the future. He doesn't deserve my good wishes. He's already thinking how extra special he is cuz it's HIS birthday. I will not contribute to his feeling anymore special than he already does.

#11 Mar 7 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

jen79

He never did

He never did that to me, but he made sure I know he fell in love with others, went crazy over them. He made sure I know, I am the only person, he cant fall in love, cause I made too much pressure. So it does hurt.

#12 Mar 7 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

Hunter

Jen79

Im so sick of these F'n men! WTF?? Im sick of being here, Im just sick! GRRRR!!! I try to stay away from here but I still need to be here. Seeing is believing I guess. Be Strong Jen Idealk

#13 Mar 7 - 3PM (Reply to #22)

gettinbetter

No Sh*T! Right? I am so "sick

No Sh*T! Right? I am so "sick of it" but Im still not over it. Me and you Ideal for them to come back all these years later... you really realize the brutality in it.

#14 Mar 7 - 3PM (Reply to #23)

Hunter

SOI

Oh I realize all of it. It sickens me to think someone would cause us so much damage. The best part of all of it, is they don't care. You now what else? I knew, deep down I knew, he would Fuck me over. I guess Im angry today!! Tomorrow is another Day, Im making it ideal, You do the same Idealk

#15 Mar 7 - 3PM (Reply to #24)

gettinbetter

I know. I knew too. When I

I know. I knew too. When I saw that he hadnt married I knew. You dont look like that and never find someone to marry. I knew but I thought a cancelled those thoughts out with a fairy tale thought of oh it was meant to be. He still loves me all these years later. He's right we were just young at the time. NOT!

#16 Mar 7 - 4PM (Reply to #25)

jen79

hahaha

Best explanation ever heard. Mine too sick of it. If someone looks like that, and wasnt married once with 50, somethings wrong. Very wrong. No kids as well. I try to make peace with it in a way, that if someone wants to leave your life, let them go, cause everyone I once talked over to stay, they caused the most damage to me, more than you can imagine. One didnt want my child and said abortion or I go, I was 20, alone and I did it. I dont regret it, cause having a child from this man would make shiver. And the other man, beated the hell out of me later. He was so into me in the beginning, did everything for me, everything, and then out of the blue, bham. And again and again and again, Till today he claims I was the only woman he ever loved. Yeah, these two men, were the ones who caused me so much damage, and I had plenty of options to let them go in the beginning, but I talked them into the relationship, instead of letting them go, when they wanted to go. So that is my lesson, if someone wants to go, let them. You were probrably safed from alot of harm and suffer and pain and who knows what else. Aids, cholera, a disturbed child from him, whatever. Years of suffer and more. Let them go, God doesnt want them to be with you, not because you are not good enough, but because god doesnt want you to suffer (more). God has some other plan for you in a row. God wants you to have a love relationship that equals the love god gives to you. God wants THEM also to learn their lesson in this life time, and you dont help them by staying and supporting dysfunction and hate. We have to trust. And we do get the signs from god, we just have to listen to it.

#17 Mar 8 - 2AM (Reply to #29)

agnesmurphy17

Wisdom

If somebody wants to go, let them. Yes. Yet, I wonder with a pathological? Do they really want to go? Can we keep an adult who wants to leave a prisoner. How many people have just walked away from me when I did not want that? Begging a person to stay cannot make them stay. My N started asking for a divorce, on a monthly basis, within 4 months of our marriage. I always refused & begged him not to leave. Then, after asking every month for 2 years & 3 months, I agreed. HE FLIPPED OUT. This was the tipping point for us. The moment he started to lose control over me. For 2 months there was a struggle whether I was staying or going but he still asking for a divorce now every other week. One day I accepted, and never changed my mind. The weeping, the wailing, the manipulations, the begging, the hysteria. DON'T LEAVE! The man was deranged. I was so scared. Day & night the madness he put me through until I left. And, when I said, "Dear, you have asked for a divorce approx. 36 x since we married. Now you have it." He said: "I didn't mean it." I said: "I asked you over & over not to ask for a divorce." He said: "When YOU asked for a divorce, it devastated much more than the 36 x I asked you for a divorce." And, so it goes. The threats to leave make him feel that he is in control. And, he enjoys your pain at his threatened abandonment. He likes to make you fearful of the very thing he is so fearful of. He projects his fear of being alone onto you. This abusive cycle is the perfect relationship for them. They complain all the time. But the more they complain about you, the better things are for them. Abuse is the point of the relationship for them. In court-mandated batterer's programs, the therapists noted that after the man complained on & on about how awful the woman is & how she forces him to react & to hit her & abuse her . . . the therapist asks: "Why don't you leave her if it is all so bad?" Over & over. the same response. A BLANK. Leaving is not a possibility. The point of the relationship is the abuse. That is the reason they are in the relationship. They want no other relationship with a woman other than an abusive one. After I left him, I learned that my N was constantly leaving his first ex-wife for about 10-15 years. These threats to leave were normal for him. That is the life he wants. It's his manipulation to keep the woman destabilized. And, it makes her work harder to make him happier. And, it raises her tolerance to the abuse level. She is accepting more & more abuse.

#18 Mar 7 - 4PM (Reply to #26)

Susan32

Thank God!

It was odd when I met the ex-Psych professor's girlfriend. Instead of feeling anger&jealousy, I liked her. I wanted to ask her out for coffee... besides, she was a curator at my favorite museum. I think I saw her as my guardian angel, saving me from marriage&childbearing with the ex-P. Whether or not she was Narc or normal (sometimes Narcs marry each other), she *DID* rescue me. "If someone wants to go, let them"-That makes the ex-P a clinger. After meeting the girlfriend, I told him to go be happy with her. I saw her as my cue to go. The ex-P raged. He was angry that I wanted him to be happy with her. I told him he was unhappy with me, so I was letting him go--and I got a toddler temper tantrum out of a 36 year old man. "God doesn't want you to suffer more"-I certainly agree on this! I wept when the ex-P rejected me. The final D&D was painful. It would've been MORE painful if I had borne his children, married him. "You don't help them by staying&supporting dysfunction&hate"-Perhaps that's why Sofia Tolstoy apologized daily at Leo's grave. I couldn't have supported the ex-P as a girlfriend, lover, spouse, mother to his children. It wouldn't have helped. Marriage wouldn't have cured him. Becoming a father wouldn't have cured him. It's about letting God be God. I can't heal the ex-P;I'm not an exorcist. I can pray to God... and let God be God.

#19 Mar 7 - 5PM (Reply to #27)

Veronrose

Susan, In all due respect,

Susan, In all due respect, why do you keep citing fictional characters in your posts? I don't know about anyone else but I have NO idea of the characters you keep referring to and it gets me very confused. I apologize if I'm the only one here who is not so literary adept as you are.

#20 Mar 7 - 6PM (Reply to #28)

Susan32

Fictional characters

I'm sorry I'm confusing you. I need to be more clear. The ex-Psych professor so much lacked a sense of identity that he'd identify with characters other than himself- fictional or not. When he first met me, he identified with Leo Tolstoy-who married his wife Sofia after only a week-because the age difference was roughly the same. He'd identify with Ludwig Wittgenstein, the Austrian philosopher who beat up schoolchildren. He had no real sense of self. He'd compare me to Princess Lisa in "War and Peace",who dies in childbirth after her Narc husband abandons her to "find glory in battle." (He identified with the Narc Prince Andrei, who abandons her) I couldn't hold a conversation with him WITHOUT him quoting some book he'd read, or a movie he'd seen, or his beloved "War and Peace." I'd say to him "I'm not Natasha. I'm not Sonya. This is ME." He seemed to think he was a fictional character, even my therapist says that the ex-P's antics make him sound like a sleazy Rob Lowe role. The ex-P was what is called a chameleon personality. He'd take on whatever character suited his purpose. He never had opinions or ideas of his own. In a sense, I can appreciate Narcs who are adept... Frank Lloyd Wright, Pablo Picasso, Leo Tolstoy, Arthur Schopenhauer- they were philosophers, writers, architects&painters who had their OWN ideas. They didn't copy. They were unique. I respect Tolstoy's talents as a writer. This does not excuse the fact that Leo Tolstoy was emotionally abusive to his wife, frequently abandoning her when she was pregnant or needed emotional support, or triangulating her against her sisters. I bring up fictional characters because that was part of my experience with the ex-P. He acted like a character in a soap opera, *NOT* a real human being. Everything with him was so scripted. He was good at regurgitating other people's ideas, yet he never thought for himself. After the final D&D, he spoke of how being a teacher was simply one of his roles-he was so disconnected from HIMSELF. It was ALL ABOUT HIM... yet he didn't know who he was.

#21 Mar 7 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

IncognitoBurrito

Ideal

If it's any consolation, your icon makes me giggle, no matter how many times I've seen it. I just picture this Tough McGruff dog, dispensing advice, and herding people in the right direction, with that nose. Very effective stuff.

#22 Mar 7 - 3PM (Reply to #21)

Hunter

Burrito

We need to find you a good one. Hugs Idealk

#23 Mar 7 - 1PM

faithinthefuture

Mine never compared the exes

Mine never compared the exes to me. If he said anything about them it was always negative...she was selfish sexually, she stunk down there, she was mad becuz I went out of town but he didn't care. He would even tell these women how much he loved me and the women would come and tell me how they were starting to fall for him(after 2 dates...red flag)but he only loved me and how sorry he was he couldn't be with them anymore. One he was involved with over 2 yrs ago apologized to me last fall saying she had no idea we were still together. He had told her we weren't together. Not sure if I could believe her as she's just as much an N as he is. I did tell her it didn't matter what had happened. It was the past and hes no longer a part of my life. He would tell people no one compares to *****(me). Theres no one else I want to be with. His friends would constantly tell me how much he loves me. Except of course when he was lieing to me where he had been and who he had been with. He cheated thruout our whole relationship. I know of some but without a doubt I'm sure there are many others. Well this last time was the last time.When you love someone you don't cheat on them. He will never cheat on me again cuz he can no longer have me. He doesn't deserve me.

#24 Mar 7 - 11AM

strongerthanever

Mine would compare me to the

Mine would compare me to the others. "SoandSo would be ok with it." or "SoandSo would laugh when I would poke fun at her." or "soandso and I loved each other and didn't want to be with anyone else. But, I didn't want to marry her. She kept pushing me." All the ex's were so much in love with him but HE didn't see it working. That is how all the ex's were portrayed to me. And that one in particular still wanted him...even though she is married and just had a baby. But when she married her 2nd hubby, she didn't tell the exN. Didn't announce it at ALL. I told him, "well, I guess she doesnt see you as a BF anymore. BF's tell each other that they are getting married." It was all part of his manipulation of how he wanted me to act or react. ExN had me doubting myself and how I was reacting to things. Because soandso didn't react the way I did. Of course, the stories are all from his point of view since he is very private with his family and "friends" (women he flirts with, dated, or screwed). he didn't let these two separate lives cross over so, i had to do some digging and snooping to put it all together. If I didn't, I would have been totally clueless!

#25 Mar 7 - 11AM (Reply to #14)

WiserNow30

My XN told me that he could

My XN told me that he could pick up the phone and call any of his exes and that they would be at his house within an hour. Like he still has some sort of control over them. DELUSIONAL!!! Shows how people are objects to him. Makes me sick.

#26 Mar 7 - 12PM (Reply to #15)

strongerthanever

Totally. I know for a fact

Totally. I know for a fact that he keeps them in the cycle and some as a means to uplift his ego. Since he has no friends, no guy friends, these women are more than happy at times that he contacted them. And since there is months or yrs between the last time they talked, they talk for hours. And that gives him a high and fulfills whatever that void is. It is very much delusional. My exN tried to contact a girl he strung along secretly behind my back during our 1st yr, after 2 yrs of silence. He called her on her birthday! She didnt return his call. But, just think of the balls of him! The girl found out I existed because I called her after our 1st breakup and told her that I didn't appreciate her calling and texting him all the time. But the fact is, he never told her about me. He told me about her because he couldnt hide it but said that she knew and he felt sorry for her. She was simple, had no one, and it was a pain to talk to her. LIE! So, here is proof that he went back to supply yrs later even when he was dating his now childbride. He hasn't changed at all. I wouldn't be surprised if he drops emotional bombs about me to the childbride.

#27 Mar 7 - 9AM

Happy1

jen79

Mine told me he loved all his ex's but didn't love me. Then when he could tell I was pulling away and miracle of all miracles the man loved me! They're full of crap and it's a control game.

#28 Mar 7 - 8AM

Scoop

Eww i had this , "i dont love

Eww i had this , "i dont love you as much as i loved Helen " but a few weeks befor he told me "i have never loved anyone the way i love you " .. I think we simply have to stop listrning to their words ... who said "if their lips are moving they are lieing " it so true ... mine read a poem that he said he wrote himself but i found it on line in a poety website .. looser .. and as for love they are incaperble of it , they have only the primory emotions which is anger and fear .. now heres what i recon , they "think "they are in love but thinking is a thought not a feeling and if a thought isnt backed up with emotion it can be changed in a blink of an eye that is why my narc said "i thought i loved you but i dont "... well narc face i thought i was going to have spaggetti for my tea tonight but i choose cottage pie instead .. thats as deep as it goes ... Its hard to do but you have to discount everything they say EVERYRTHING! .. Big Love Jen xx

#29 Mar 7 - 7AM

gettinbetter

Jen you know the answer here

Jen you know the answer here its triangulation. They all do it. Its a way to keep you at a distance because they fear intimacy. Also its a way to make you feel insignificant. Actually I think they use it cause its multifunctional that way they keep you at bay and get to subtly d and d you plus they use it as an excuse for a multitude of other things. Its also a way to solicit sympathy it really works quite well for them. I am quite sure that I am probably being used for triangulation and we don't even speak. I'm sure the new girl is hearing all about how still loves sick of it but she's married and how morally he can't ruin her marriage cause he's so moral and all and how he just needs new girl to understand and help him get over it blah blah I would bet a hundred bucks on it I bet my pics are conveniently left on his computer for her to find. I pity her

#30 Mar 7 - 7AM (Reply to #10)

jen79

sick of it

that makes sense, very much so. I think they are so convincing at this, cause they believe what they are saying the minute they are saying it, it just changes from one minute to another.

#31 Mar 7 - 7AM (Reply to #9)

IncognitoBurrito

Sick of It

Yeah, triangulation. That's another good point. It really is effective in making the intended target feel totally worthless, and insignificant. At the same time, we're left clueless, wondering how to get it back on track again. "Its also a way to solicit sympathy it really works quite well for them. I am quite sure that I am probably being used for triangulation and we don't even speak. I'm sure the new girl is hearing all about how still loves sick of it but she's married and how morally he can't ruin her marriage cause he's so moral and all and how he just needs new girl to understand and help him get over it blah blah I would bet a hundred bucks on it I bet my pics are conveniently left on his computer for her to find." I just threw up in my mouth a little. That strikes way too close to home. In retrospect, I see how I was paraded around in front of his wife. The same way he paraded someone else around in front of me. I just thought the 3 of us were buddies. I didn't see, at the time, that he was D & Ding his wife, and using me to help that along. That's okay, she got the last laugh. Stupid me! She has him by the cahones, financially, for the rest of his life.

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