Why did I get addicted?

Bravo Michelle :) I spent two years drinking a lot of vodka, and forced myself to quit, while paying a lot of attention to what it felt like, the mental processes I went through. A drug or Narc has the appearance of a Savior. That is so hard to root out! I've also heard stuff lately (on the news) about oxytocin, the bonding hormone. It is made in the brain when we have sex with someone, and GUSHES from the brain (esp in women) after the birth of a child. It is called "the bonding hormone". It works on very deep structures in the brain, which is why we're all sitting up here going WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? FWIW :) . If I can see how I bonded to my Narc because of some brain hormone, I can at least understand it. And then NOT repeat the exposure to the narc (No Contact) and thus reinforce the "addiction" further. How this bonding hormone thing works with bad relationships is what is interesting. Talk about between a rock and a hard place. Here we are bonded deeply to a person who is really our enemy. Our poor brains are at the mercy of hormones, while our rational brain is saying OMG, GET OUT!! Endlessly fascinating to me :) . Well . . . now. It hurt worse than anything, about three years ago, and all the seven years of the relationship before that :( . It's real, not just our imaginations. And definitely NOT something we can just decide to dump off like a sandbag. Otherwise there would be no forums like this, no need for them. We'd just dump these idiots and move on. We just CAN'T dump them :( . It's a longer process, but one with the potential to make us even stronger than before :)

But I can give you my spin...First, for each of us, I think it is different, I'm not sure if there is a clear cut answer. I have been able to make considerable progress in this recovery effort because somehow by reading I was able to connect the dots for my particular case. Addiction is definately a good word to use. I've never been part of a 12 step for either drugs or co-dependency/ACOA issues; however I note in trolling thier boards that there seems to be a common thread which raises the incidence of one being drawn into a narcissistic relationship. It seems that Narcs attract co-dependents. Now, I think the term co-dependent or the philosophy of co-dependency is open to debate...these days everyone has to have a "label" and there is a 12 step for everything (except for NARC victims...LMAO!)... I am not the one to pen what I'm about to say but I agree that a lot of us have issues that go back to childhood. Whether we are AWARE of those issues or not AND whether one becomes aggressively proactive in sorting out the luggage is what I think will determine one's success in avoiding the NARC or at least being able to react sensibly at the first sign of a red flag once awareness is achieved, education is sought, knowledge is obtained and one's awareness of their triggers are brought to light. So...let's get back to the addiction...say someone is a coke addict. You're not a coke addict; however, your coke addict boyfriend says: Try a line...you'll like it...you try it. If you don't have an addictive personality, you might be able to dabble and drop it without severe withdrawal; however, having never tried drugs, if you don't know what your risk is for addiction, you could end up hooked. NOW...let's examine the NARC...he'll be the coke supplier. Someone with good self esteem and someone who is in touch with thier boundaries, sticks to them, knows who they are and what they will and will not accept - what the deal breakers are will be able to tell the NARC buzz off! (we will consider these people those who don't have addictive personalities) and move forward. Those of us who don't have those things intact...using the above analogy would be susceptable to addiction. It would seem to me that in the beginning, there is kind of a symbiotic relationship between the NARC and the victim. There is a seduction and hypnosis that is undetectable that takes place. This is my opinion. We crave, and we have also been molded by society - but some of us also have issues that make us even more vunerable...we are getting a "high" off of the adoration, love, affection, understanding, validation and the general euphoric feeling the NARC is producing for us. The NARC is very charming and his manipulation is so underhanded, it is difficult to detect the red flags. He is the dream come true...he is our natural high. Once he knows you're hooked on the product/drug...he gains the control. If you look at how drug addiction starts, a dealer will give you free supply to get you hooked then start charging you up the ying yang (and I'd like to state: I don't do drugs, my only experience was pot twice in college, I did inhale but got sick - that was the beginning and the end of my drug use career...LOL). Now, what does someone hooked on drugs do? ANYTHING to keep it coming. So, lets jump now to the narcissistic relationship. You're hooked. This man has shown himself to be "honest"..HA!, "reliable"...HA! loving, affectionate...he's scoped you out and knows your buttons and triggers. He took note during all those intimate talks where you bared your soul and he gave you just enough to keep YOU going and talking and baring your soul...he was robbing your supply but you were unaware. Little by little, he starts with the passive aggression and the intermittent reinforcement and it's going on right beneath your nose but you don't see it because you are still stuck in euphoria. From the moment you met your NARC (NARCOTIC) he already had his agenda in place - you just weren't advised of it. Little by little the crazy making starts to ensue. Of course, living in denial and in the illusion of your high, all common sense, is out the window, because now you are trapped in the illusion. He's living his live and you're hanging on the shelf with baited breath looking to please him, make him happy, sell your soul just so that you can get more of his intoxication because it would NEVER dawn on you that this man is evil and using you in a calculating and manipulative way. This is compounded because in the beginning, he fed your ego and self esteem with a much needed drug that has been denied you that you have walked through most of your life craving. Love attention validation etc. Most of us come from dysfunction. Whether one is aware of it or not, I think that that is the key...to critically examine the messages we've received. We tend to think of child abuse as really horffic events because the media and what we read and hear are always the extreme cases. We don't think about how maybe our parents ignored us, or made snide remarks about us, or competed with us, or denied us in certain ways, acted out because of their insecurites and took those things out on us. The blueprint we've been given was dysfunctional from the start - BUT dysfunction was normal to us so we never had a healthy baseline on which to measure what is healthy and what is abusive. In a nutshell, that is my theory, I could go on but I don't want to go on and on and on but basically, I believe that it is an addiction just as much as the NARC's addiction is the love of self and just as much as he fiends for supply - which is those of us who he senses are vunerable enough to feed off of. Note the incidence of reports where when there is a case of agressively calling the NARC on his behavior or "ripping" off his mask he generally leaves never to return and hover; however, if he can sense that there is still an opening, he can detect the weakness and will continue to try to make an entrance. In my opinion the relationship is symbiotic in terms of addiction, which is why NC becomes the best way to start recovery because you become forced to wean yourself off the "Drug" HOWEVER, unless diligent work is done on the self, I think we will remain 'dependent' upon opportunities to score the 'drug' which is why you hear of repeated patterns of Narc relationships. That's my theory or thought on this...it is an addiction and I think that finding an applicable 12 step that closely addresses one's issues like ACOA or CODA would be helpful because the themes are the same. -Michele