Why did I fall for

And more importantly why did I stay ?

I've had another sleepless night and awoke under a big black cloud again. I'm tormented by things that happened. The manipulation the abuse the love bombing the distancing the silent treatments the lies the things that didn't add up. And I took all that just to end up discarded like I didn't exist ?!!!

Sometimes I think I'm coping. I feel flashes of my old self but I don't know if I am coping.

It's all swirling around in my head.

I want it to stop.

Stupid things trigger me off.

A friend in cynical and bitter. I can't even bear to listen to my friends because they just don't get it and I can't help but to project my unhappiness onto them. They are trying to make me feel better but they just don't get what he is !!

This is the only place I feel safe and not so alone but when I'm not here reading or talking to others I feel overwhelmingly lonely and afraid. I'm trying every day to get up and do things but the last 3 days I've barely done a thing. I can't even bring myself to go to the supermarket ! I can't drive anywhere in my town for fear of a sighting. I can't even drop my kids off anywhere.

I'm sick of this.

He abused me and he's just got away with it. And now I'm left depressed and anxious and desperately trying to find my way back to who I am and those that love me.

I'm so disappointed in myself for not ending his abuse sooner. It's like I just waited for him to decide to stop.

How can I ever respect myself again.

All the time I thought I was fighting back and standing up for myself and all I was really doing was playing his game and being his supply. Feeding his need for drama and attention. He dragged just about everyone I know into his drama at some point.

The worst feeling is that I knew it I could see it but I couldn't face it or do anything about it because I became so weak. It was easier to deny it and do what he wanted to appease him while slowly watching myself die a slow and painful death.

But still I miss the good parts. But in hindsight there were actually so few. I felt like I was in a prison and I used to come home to get away from him and id feel safe for a while. Now my home feels like a prison. I feel trapped here and isolated.

It's like I look to the future and all the love and joy I can surround myself with and all the things I can do that I haven't been able to do while in this chaos with him but all I can see is myself feeling like this and just going through the motions of living but feeling dead inside.

Somehow the little glimmers of strength and positivity I feel just make these lows feel so much worse.

It's only been 5 weeks today. 5 weeks of torture but wasn't it already torture ? It was . I know that.

Even the sunshine that we are having here in the uk is making me feel lonely.