Why can't I just STOP????

The biggest mistake I believe we make, and that we have ALL made, in dealing with the N. is in thinking that they think and feel in the same ways we do. You cannot make everything right with a disordered person. Even if you were able to, it would only be a short while before something else would go wrong and you would be right back to beating yourself up again, wondering what you keep doing wrong and trying to make it right. Step off the merry go round, stop this endless loop of "what did I do wrong and how do I make it right" thinking, because you are wasting your energy on solving the wrong problem. The problem is that you simply chose to be with the wrong man. The problem is that you have something within you that makes you particularly vulnerable to his abuse of you, and the problem is that you are still focusing on HIM and not on YOU! The way to heal is to think about yourself, not about the N. You must take control of your thinking, and catch yourself whenever you are thinking of how to make him happy, and instead think about how to make you happy. I said this in an earlier post related to BadaBing however I think it bears saying again...I know I cannot remind myself of this enough: DO NOT SEEK COMFORT FROM THE SOURCE OF YOUR PAIN! When you are serious about breaking free of an addiction...when you realize you must break an addiction to something that is so dangerous and detrimental to your health that it could completely destroy you...you don't kick it by thinking about still having it in your life or by thinking about going back to it or by thinking you can keep just a little of it in your life so that you don't have to deal with the discomfort of truly giving it up. You kick an addiction by avoiding it completely. You kick it by firmly believing in the reasons why you never want to have that addiction in your life again. You find the strength to stay clear of the addiction, until the new habit of avoiding it becomes even stronger than your previous habit of running to it. Breaking the addiction to the N is so much more difficult than breaking a simple chemical/drug dependency, because we allow ourselves to become dependent on the N on multiple levels. The only way to become free of the addiction is to stay NC and try your best not focus your attention on the N. Consciously work on retraining yourself to focus your attention on you instead. Focus on yourself, because your needs and your wants have been seriously neglected from all of this time wasted on the unappreciative and undeserving N. Please do not prolong the painful initial part of the process, by thinking about him. Think about you...it will speed the process along and you will realize in the long run that the short term discomfort of going NC was minor, compared to the long term pain and suffering you'd endure had you stayed in contact with the N. (((hugs)))

He is not capable of hating you as he wasn't capable of loving.....Be strong....It's hard I know but NC is the only way and it will get easier...He can't change. You are better off for sure.

I'm kinda feeling this way too . i was expecting him to try something this week but he didn't . I'm almost afraid he has forgotten or doesn't want to acknowledge our chuldren anymore. He hasn't seen them in over a month.

he is doing you a HUGE favor remember, N's aren't the same as the rest of us, their thoughts and feelings aren't like ours we can't make sense of their actions, that's why we get the cognitive dissonance that makes us nearly lose our minds until we finally get it, they are N's...it's not us, nothing we've done caused their behavior, they are that way and we can't change it, they can't change it, it just is I'm starting to think of them as alien's occupying the same planet we are but truly not of the same species as the rest of us and these inter species relationships are deadly to us humans.

This morning, I was reading "Divine Mercy in My Soul" by St. Faustina, a Polish saint. In a passage I read this morning, I was moved to tears. Here's what St. Faustina, the Apostle of the Divine Mercy, said- "It is not work that makes me tired, but all this talking and excessive demands... When she (a fellow sister) started driving me, I thought, 'Jesus, one can be a silent martyr;it is not the work that wears you out, but this kind of martyrdom.' I learned that certain people have a special gift for vexing others. They try you the best they can. The poor soul that falls into their hands can do nothing right; her best efforts are maliciously criticized." I wondered why the ex-Psych prof hated me&deemed me his enemy... especially after I told him I loved him. It's that "gift for vexing others." I was wondering- why did he HATE me, when I did NOTHING cruel to deserve his hate? I even asked him that, long ago... and he really couldn't say why. It ends up being all about control. A toddler can tell his mommy he hates her because she won't let him play outside in the stormy weather. It's not a deep hatred. If the ex-P ever threw a tantrum again, I'd just assume his mommy forgot to change his diaper. It's not even a profound hatred, because enemies can be clear in their positions.