Why am I suddenly doubting what I know about him, I'm asking if he really is a Narc? What is wrong with me, Help please

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#1 Apr 7 - 6PM

jaycee

Why am I suddenly doubting what I know about him, I'm asking if he really is a Narc? What is wrong with me, Help please

I am now doubting everything I began to believe about him. I was so convinced for a while that he was a total narc, now I am doubting it. I don't know if its because he has the ability to fall in love with the ow. I don't know if he just never loved me and hung on out of guilt. I dont know, does a real human being discard his family, take up with another with in a day, start his life over with someone else after sneaking around with them and several others for years? I don't know?? Let's be honest, there has to be a reason he wanted out so bad, so bad he allowed me to suffer until I threw him out......Im doubting what he is, because I hate myself so much for not shuting my mouth and pretending everything was ok, like I did for years, at least he would be here, and not there, and not prancing all over town with her. at least he would be just throwing her crumbs as he has for months, and years before they lived together the first time. I hate myself for not shuting the hell up, for acting like such a psycho, behaving like such an idiot, I hate myself because i allowed them to laugh at me, i gave them reason to do so. what if hes not a narc, just a guy whos been so unhappy for twenty five years that he grew to hate me so much that my suffering makes him feel better, maybe it eases the suffering he had to endure, maybe if i just was different and controlled him instead of giving him so much freedom he hung himself with it....now hes with someone who can give him all he wants finanacially, emotionally, and shes no me, she controls his every movement, and lets be honest if he hated so much, why did he go back. oh my mind is racing and im so sad tonight, does anyone think maybe this was all my fault and hes possibly not a narc, just a frustrated man, who wanted out of his marriage. I want to believe hes a narc, so that i dont have to blame myself but im afraid it was me and he just couldnt love me.

#2 Apr 8 - 8AM

helldweller

Jaycee

One of the last things that happened before I found out the truth was that it was a Saturday in October and I had to sell my books for fourteen hours straight at a film festival. I was there from 9 am until almost midnight, and all day long I asked the narc if he would stop by for awhile and keep me company, go out for coffee or a drink, lunch or dinner, to break up the time for me. He kepts texting back all day, "I'll try" and "I'll let you know" even though he had said he had no plans and lived just five minutes from the theather. Finally, in the late afternoon, he just stopped responding. I couldn't believe it. I packed up all my stuff at midnight and went home. It was a warm night, and I made a drink and took it outside on my front stoop to drink it and have a rare cigarette before going to bed. I was so upset. The narc's car was still gone; he was out and still had not come home. His house was dark. He had never returned my last calls or texts. The day before he told me he still wanted to marry me. After a few minutes I heard talking from around the corner, and the narc and his brother came down the street and walked past me. The narc saw me in the dark just as they passed and sort of waved, with a little sheepish smile. They were right in front of me. I said, "Thanks, BABY. You're the best" sarcastically and angrily. The two of them, still walking, exchanged something in a whisper and laughed, then the narc came back towards me, probably to "make up" and get a blow job. I jumped up and went into the house before he could speak to me. I will NEVER forget that feeling of sitting there in the dark as he and his brother ridiculed me, after I'd trustingly waited to see him all day. I found out later that his Calfiornia girl was in that weekend and they'd spent the whole day with her. At that moment, "our" foster child was sleeping with her in her hotel room downtown. My point for you: they live totally in the moment. I have no doubt in my mind that the narc did not think about me for one minute that day, and that he was not thinking about HER either, after he'd spent the whole day with her and decided to get a blow job from me afterwards. I am so mad at myself, too, for letting him and his brothers and friends laugh at me behind my back, but the only thing you and I did wrong was to not leave sooner. I know we are all getting very concerned about you, Jaycee. The tendency for all of us is to just want him back, just because it hurts so much and, mostly, because we don't know how to live in the normal world anymore. They create a whole new world of chaos and instability, devoid of boundaries, and we are so used to that world--especially someone like you with 20 PLUS years of it to crawl out of. But you HAVE TO GET HELP SO YOU REALIZE HOW DISORDERED AND DANGEROUS AND BAD THIS PERSON IS! pLEASE!

#3 Apr 8 - 5PM (Reply to #26)

jaycee

helldweller

thank you from the bottom of my heart for your honesty. your story brought me to tears, as i have been in your position with my hN so many times. i like how you said he wasnt thinking of her either, that is probably true. im sorry yours made you feel so bad, but you sound like you can reason and see the truth, whereas, i am doubter of everything i know. i have a story to tell and i will post it later or tomorrow, your mouth will drop........it doesnt get worse than this. we all know when the bottom of the barrel hits us in the head, just some of you know when to quit, i guess i like the abuse, cause he certainly can dish it. thanks again helldweller xoxoxoxo

Jaycee

#4 Apr 8 - 7AM

Deidre40

If he was unhappy...a normal,

If he was unhappy...a normal, healthy kind person would tell you. Not make you writhe and twist in anguish. Normal people don't like to hurt others. He wouldn't do what he's done. Whether or not he's a narc...who knows. He's an asshole, just the same. Now...have you ever hurt someone? Yes...we all have. But, the different between a narc and us...is they LIKE to hurt people. You don't need an asshole in your life. And water seeks its own level. He found another asshole. This is a chance for you to find yourself...and eventually find real love. With a compassionate person, someday. It's hard. You have a lot of yrs with this man. But, you have to believe you deserve better. When you do? I promise you...you won't think you suffered a loss. You will view this as a gain...that he left.

#5 Apr 8 - 7AM (Reply to #24)

jaycee

thanks deidre

thank you for what you said, i pray i can feel better soon and see the long road ahead is not so bad.

Jaycee

#6 Apr 8 - 7AM

jaycee

Yes, I do believe in God

I believe in God, I do believe he knows whats best for me. but right now, im scared that it is his will and that it is for my own good, but the devil keeps telling me to hang on, dont let her win. she won, she won again, and i did have the power to break them up, for good, i just lost it and went crazy and now he is punishing me, he knew my worst fear was him moving back in with her, and he did, some moments i feel he did it to spite me, and other moments i feel he did it because she is who he loves...im seeking a new therapist now, and dont worry once i accept the unacceptable, i will try to get a better place..thanks to all

Jaycee

#7 Apr 8 - 5AM

jaycee

i feel so hopeless

i know you say there is hope for me, but right now i feel hopeless, sad, and tormented. now, she will have him for easter and celebrate the holiday with her and her kid, now she will have him full time, and i sit here wondering, why in the world i ever thought he wouldnt go back to her, why i thought, what person would ever go back to someone who called the cops on him, he had to go to court and of course, was in hot water at work because of it.....i thought that guaranteed he would never go back, but i forgot how much she has to offer him, that i cant, and how much they have in common and we dont. im so sad and sick inside, torn between saying he was going back anyway and saying if i didnt flip that night i would still be able to keep him from moving back in with her.........

Jaycee

#8 Apr 8 - 6AM (Reply to #21)

jen79

jaycee

Do you have someone to talk to daily, maybe someone from the board. You need some help to get through this, I feel your so tormented and in so much pain. Maybe someone you can trust, and who had a similar story like yours. You are in pain, you dont want to let her win, right? You win when you turn your back and start a new life. I can see it for you jaycee, one day you can write a book about it, how to break free from a marriage prison, how to find yourself even after years of horror with the devil. If you turn your back, and walk away and start a new life for you, then you have won. Do you see that? She then has to deal with him, he is choosing her over you....as an abuse victim. He has chosen, you are not good abuse material anymore, there is a better victim out there, it is her. What seems for you now like a curse, is god helping you to break free. Its a blessing. if god takes this man away from you again and again, dont you have trust there must be an excellent reason for this, he wants to protect you. Hell is when you misinterprete gods work, when you struggle against it, you dont go with the flow, you dont have trust you dont have faith. You believe in god, jaycee I know this. Please trust, god wants you to be protected, he doesnt want you to suffer more, thats why he is taking this man out of your life. Please listen. Jaycee. Please.

#9 Apr 8 - 5AM

ImStrong

Theres still hope for you

Theres still hope for you Jaycee..lots of it and im not giving up on you..xx

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#10 Apr 8 - 5AM

StudentOfLife

Their patterns are always the same.

He is in his honeymoon period with this other woman, and eventually, he WILL repeat the same pattern with her. I know it hurts to see him carrying on in a seeming loving relationship with someone else -- but remember, outward appearance are often deceiving *especially* when dealing with a Narc. Take the focus off them, and remember when dealing with an N especially believe none of what you hear and half , no NONE -- of what you see either.

#11 Apr 8 - 4AM

ImStrong

You see your back to your old

You see your back to your old ways again..Blaiming you..you are doing this mans dirty work for him...you are labeling him "normal"..which all narc love..and labeling yourself "crazy" which all narc love... This man is only guilty of one thing..Doing his job..he has raped you emotionaly and all while saying..you deserve it..and you beleived it... This is why you need help..serious professional help..it is never the rape victums fault..remeber that... Look at the way you reply to us in each thread..look closely..you always start off will " Hey thankyou guys..i neded that..so on and so on...then end with..im the problem..im the monster..im the narc ..type ending" .... It isnt so..and until you see that..your going to be a mess forever...forevers along time..thats the type of agony the narc needs to be in not you..

#12 Apr 8 - 4AM (Reply to #13)

jaycee

im strong

please tell me from everything you know of my story, do you believe he is a narc, i just want someone to tell me he is a textbook narc and im not a piece of unlovable shit. thats how i feel, please tell me he wont change for her and be the man he should have been had he loved me.....im so down i want to feel better i need to hear it, maybe it will make me feel better please talk to me....tell me your opinion of him

Jaycee

#13 Apr 8 - 4AM (Reply to #14)

ImStrong

Aww Jaycee...i feel for

Aww Jaycee...i feel for you..not one of us in here is a piece of unlovable shit..including you...this break up rulled you a beautiful woman who a narc couldnt destroy..narc leaves those who he feels is the shit not unlovable shit..he thinks your too good for him..your the shit... Your story of him as a whole reaks narc..theres know pieces unlike other women on the forum men..your embodies narcisissim..he is a narc..and your a victum..you have been raped repeatively for 25 years..picture a woman raped for 25 years..wouldnt you feel pitty for her too.. You have been brainwashed.. We are not talking to the real Jaycee right now..just like your narc does..the real Jaycee is tucked away far from us..where talking to the brainwashig..the consitrated...watered down jaycee..or the hyper active paranoid gone completly insane jaycee due to conditioning and brainwashing..i bet you feel not yourself..this is him talking..after so many years being raped you have learned to protect yourself like a narc by creating a person who can be blaimed for everything..you have created a punching bag for the emotional rapists.. This is why we got to snap out of this..and get ourselves back!

#14 Apr 8 - 4AM (Reply to #15)

jaycee

thanks imstrong

im just so down to the ground, i know i have to pick myself up and start over again, it hurts soooooo bad especially the feelings of regret

Jaycee

#15 Apr 8 - 6AM (Reply to #17)

jen79

Jaycee

I agree, we are not talking with really you in the moment. Can you feel jaycee. have to get it all out, and release the demon, the brainwashing and exploitation, the soul rape. Claim it back. Somewhere deep inside there is another jaycee. I always see you getting angry at HER or at you. How about getting angry at him. Jaycee, somewhere inside of you, there is another jaycee, that is at peace and knows what to do. Try to find her again. And please try to find someone who helps you through it. I dont know if you can afford therapy right now, if not, maybe a group of abuse victim. I think you need some help, 25 years of brainwash and abuse, is too much for every soul. You must start completely new, and it will take some help. Please let us know, you look for help.

#16 Apr 8 - 5AM (Reply to #16)

ImStrong

I know I regreted for a while

I know I regreted for a while too..i gave my self two months to regret..i cussed while walking outside in a low voice outside...cussed the ow and the narc to myself outside..i took long walks after school by the beach and cuss and cussed and cussed..everywere I cussed..i freed the demon..by letting him out outside.. You need to cuss and scream and yell ..you need to cry..and weep and miss him..you need to free the demon..but you have to leave him outside with the others..not in your home with your family or in your heart..you need to free the bad seed that has been growing in you for 25 years...stop letting it live ..set it free scream when no ones home..yell cuss take long drives or walks away from the world..and cuss that ugly monkey narc till you cant cuss no more..cuss the ow too... For two or three months but after stop..do everything you can to bring yourself back!

#17 Apr 8 - 4AM

jaycee

girls, i get it, i allowed the pain to consume me

i do get it, ive allowed my pain to consume me, and i think that energy gives them power. i dont know, who knows all i know is im doubting everything i know and questioning if its my personality my insanity maybe somewhere deep down he stayed, left, stayed, etc, because he wanted it to work, but he couldnt deal with my constant questioning, my paranoia, i knew she was still in the picture, they were in constant contact, he was telling her he was commuting, when he was here, he told our daughter that he just cant handle my craziness, he couldnt stay here anymore cause moms out of control. but then he comes here, and i will write a post about this,in a few, and tells me he doesnt live with her only staying there during the week. sickening, i know hes there full time, and now im questioning is it because he couldnt take my insanity. not because hes a narc.........

Jaycee

#18 Apr 8 - 4AM

ImStrong

I have not given up on Jayce

I have not given up on Jayce but just like fireflie I think the degree of damage upon you is out of our hands..and the same way I feel about fireflie you and Deidre I think you need some professional help..like counsling..it feels your hurt has as gone too far..your paranoia and fear maybe a bit overwhelming to your health..you come first ..you have to takecare of you first...i think that is your biggest problem you dont allow yourself to come first..when you wright..you say thankyou guys ..then hate yourself at the end...your abusing your ownself..hes left you to finish the job and do his own dirty work.. Your a mess... Its ok I was mess too..but I snaped out of it for my own health..i wasnt about to do his job for him and pull my ownself down while hes enjoying the other woman and life..nooo I wasnt..and I think you shouldnt either... I wasnt about to go clinicaly insane over no man and knowing how these men can literally make us insane...ill pass Are you going to take the white pill or green pill..or you going to live anf let go..or forevor be insane.. You choose.. Please take inconsideration some counsling..you need to hear a evaluation from a pro... We only can give support..that can only take you so far..you need more..you are asking for more help.. You may have trouble on your own

#19 Apr 8 - 3AM

Scoop

Hey Jaycee what you are going

Hey Jaycee what you are going through is denial and a recognised part of the grieveing proccess , denial kicks in just after shock .Look up the 7 stages of grief , and also its important to keep a jornal where you write all the terrible things he has done as they come to you , thats going to be a long jornal as you have 25 years to cover ! :) xx

#20 Apr 8 - 4AM (Reply to #9)

jaycee

scoop thanks for all your replies as well as everyone's

not to get off track, but just noticed the picture, is that you? you are beautiful and so kind, what ever your man did to you, he was crazy, your face even shows your kind heartedness, and your outer beauty as well. thank you and all the people here for talking to me, as i am at my lowest point ready to break, but think i am already broken. i wish i could stop hating myself stop regretting my behavior, i wish.................

Jaycee

#21 Apr 8 - 3AM

jaycee

I really appreciate the replies, more than you know

i really appreciate the replies more than you know. I wish i could feel better knowing you all are telling me the truth, what you think and how you feel about the situation. right now, once again, im up feeling anxious, i slept until about 2am, tossed and turned, all night wondering, how different it would be had i not flipped out a couple weeks ago, he had a point, we are no longer together, i threw him out almost a year ago, and he was only staying here so as not to commute during the week, the mistake was, he came here as if nothing ever happened and during the week played family with us, couldnt get enough of me, told me everyday, i love you so much, youre so beautiful, i missed you, i need you for this and that and can you do that and this, etc....same old life we had, really no difference, he went away on the weekends, even long before i threw him out, i always gave him that freedom especially because she was involved and wanted him away from her, didnt care about the others, they were just toys, this one was different, she was willing to change herself, her life, her lifestyle and anything to have him full time, that even meant going after me, yes, he allowed, he left me wounded, but she came in for the kill. i allowed all this, i never put a stop to it, i never gave him an ultimatum, never told him he wasnt going to do as he pleased, but after twenty something years, why would i change, why would things change, now i wish i did something, now i wish, i put a stop to his affair with her years ago, i could have when i first found out, but i knew she was different, i knew she was dangling some kind of wonderful carrot in his mouth, he wanted the bait, he wanted her. still cant understand why he just didnt leave me then, why he stayed told me he loved me, he would never be with her again, and the whole time was loving her behind my back. so many reasons why i hate myself, so many reasons why i cant stop thinking could of would of should of, and no its eating me alive. why, why didnt i demand a different life with him, why didnt i demand we do things as a couple more often, why did i allow him so much freedom, why, and why didnt i just shut my mouth and wait for this affair with her to end, it would have ended, she wouldnt have taken his crumbs for much longer, as he says, she was ready to give me up, and you jaycee, you blew it, your behavior is the reason we are in this position, your behavior is the reason i am back with her, now live with that......that is all i can hear.........i really hate myself, i really do, i laid down and let someone take my life from me, and now its too late to fight.....i am in a state of self loathing and cant come to terms with it. please talk to me, please

Jaycee

#22 Apr 8 - 1AM

Journey

Jaycee,

You are stuck in a spiral of self defeat right now. Trust me when I say I understand the pain, I blamed myself for a long time and so I know what that sick feeling in your guts feels like. You think you could have made a difference that would have been acceptable to you and kept him the loving husband you thought he was, but you couldn't have or you would have and that loving husband does not exist. It seems to me after reading your posts recently and your comments in response to our comments, that you are justifying too much your husband's behavior. You are taking all the anger that should be directed at him and turning it inward. Please try to stop doing that. I agree that you may need professional help to get past the trauma. Your mind is caught in a loop of self blame that is hurting you over and over. I understand that, but you won't feel better until you stop it from repeating these thoughts that are imagined - they aren't even real. You are questioning if he is a narc as if it really makes a difference right now. It might later, but right now, what he is doing is not what a good man does - EVER. It seems to me you want to blame yourself because to do otherwise means you have to let him go. I know it is hard to let go after 25 years, but for yourself now you must. We've all tried to explain that it isn't real love with her, that he is using her, that he will D&D - all this is based on believing he's a narc. You have felt the need to believe it for consolation and fearing he isn't really one seems to equate to you that he is a prize and you are not good enough for him. Narc or not - that is just plain harmful thinking and for your sake it has to stop. He has been a jerk, unfair to you, unfaithful to your marriage and abusively threatening. It is not your fault that he is an asshole. You did not make him behave the way he does. Please see about counseling options in your area, I really think you have been traumatized too badly to care for yourself right now because your self esteem is suffering horribly. You repeated that you hate yourself in your post so many times... that is sad and I'm worried about you. Right now don't worry about what disorder he has or doesn't have. The reality is that he abandoned you and you are in pain and need to address what YOU can do to feel better. Obsessing about him and ow will not help you, nor will blaming yourself as you keep doing. Let go of him, if for no other reason than to stop punishing yourself.

Journey on...

#23 Apr 7 - 11PM

michele115 (not verified)

Jaycee

Forget he's with her, you say you should have kept your mouth shut. Can you tell me what happiness he's brought to your life? When was the last time you were happy - truly happy with him?

#24 Apr 7 - 10PM

jen79

jaycee

whats the worst case scenario for you? Try to get in touch with that, and then ask yourself, can I live with it. YOur worst is, he didnt love you, but now loves her, and it was all your fault he treated you like shit, cause...uhm...because you are such a horrible person? Sorry, dont want to make fun of you, I know you are in the middle of pain. Jaycee, trust me, you are in trauma, and cannot think straight right now. Lets say he didnt love you, and now loves her, does this excuse to have treated you like shit, using and abuse you and leaving you alone with all the familiy problems? Would that a normal person do? No. If you ever hear from someone doing this to his family, you can be sure he is a narc. No normal person with a heart does this. Get this in your head, jaycee, there is no excuse for abuse, for exploitation, for cruel behaviour any sort of. A normal person faling out of love with his woman, he would still care for her after so many years, he would go sure she doesnt hurt as much as possible, would care for the kids, would care about finances and everything. Cause she gave her life to him. Thats what a normal person would do. Only a narc runs away, comes back, runs away, comes back, no consideration of your feelings, and then blaming YOU for it, cause you are the monster, and doesnt deserve to be treated like a human being. It is not you. ok? Shall I translate the letter my father sent to you, he used the exact same tactic like every narc? Shall I send to you, so maybe you see beyond the fog, when you have read this.

#25 Apr 7 - 8PM

ImStrong

You hate yourself too

You hate yourself too much...you have to stop hating yoursekf for something that is completly out of your control...

#26 Apr 7 - 7PM

momoya

Knowledge is empowering

Decide for yourself -you know your personal situation better than us. Read, read and read all you can on NPD and Narcs and you find clarity and understanding of not only how you feel right now, but you will find answers to the odd behavior. Read and read and then = read some more! all the best

momoya

#27 Apr 7 - 7PM

faithinthefuture

jaycee

I don't comment here much but I read everyday and your post reminded me soo much of what helldweller was going thru...the doubts the self blame the not being able to see what was really going on. The unending reaching out for help. I don't mean to exclude or diminish what anyone else has or is going thru. But does anyone ever have that feeling that the excruciating pain we felt/feel is nothing compared to what they are/having? I mean I feel everyone's pain and it hurts my heart but I also think some of us are more able to move on and see the truth of what Ns are. I don't have any words of wisdom to tell you jaycee. But I will tell you this. It's not your fault. and really if you had caused this in any way, which I don't think for a minute, a true honest caring man would tell you and want to work it out for the two of you. My heart is breaking for you. My dad was an N. so cheated on my mom & treated her like shit. They divorced after 32 yrs & she tried to committ suicide. I despised her at the time for thinking her worth was due to a man. And look where I am. here. after being with an N. My parents are better off apart. They're both different and better people. I love my dad with all my heart but my mom deserved soo much better. be Jaycee so do you. Listen to your instincts. You know he's a narc. You did nothing wrong! You may not believe that right now but I have all the faith in the world you will. I hope I didn't step on anyone's toes or hurt anyone's feelings with what I said.

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