Why am I such a loser?

I am such a tool. This man has destroyed me. He's left me broke and in debt, with 5 kids. I never thought, in all my life, that I'd be a single mom with 5 children. How am I supposed to do this? I'm barely making it. I need to move to get away from him. He doesn't live in the house but shows up whenever he pleases. His mother still lives on the same property as the house. So I have to see her and her car everytime I drive up. She blamed all his cheating and lying on me. I abused him. Try abusing someone while having a new baby. Yay, he was abused.

I'm feeling so pitiful, and hopeless. I dreamt of us working with a horse we have. I'm been trying to sell all the animals so I can be done with it. The dream did not help. We had it all and it just wasn't good enough for him. He's a black hole. I hope he's happy now.

He didn't know I was watching but I saw him taking a picture of himself with his phone and texting it to someone. We were at our daughters doctors appt. I didn't saw a word. He would have loved for me to ask him about it, to think I even cared to ask. When he calls I don't answer. I'd rather just text. He called a bunch of times in a row and I eventually called him back. He must have answered by mistake because he kept talking: she has a trust fund....she is waiting for it to sell....then we'll be in a better position to negotiate. Hello?....Hello?...

I said Hi and he said he had been talking to someone else and he'd call me back. He never did.

He's still scamming for money. Borrowing, borrowing, borrowing. Then never paying back. Not giving me a cent. Not paying for anything for his children. Using my washer and dryer and electricity and soap while I'm gone working.

It makes me sick.
How am I going to do this?