Why am I so upset that he hasn't attempted to contact me!?

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#1 Oct 30 - 3AM

meik11

Why am I so upset that he hasn't attempted to contact me!?

4 weeks no contact. Hell bent on not contacting him because I don't want to be hurt any more. So why am I so upset that he has not attempted to contact me?! It makes me sick to my stomach wondering why because I know why. 1. Because he is a cold, stubborn spiteful bastard and 2. because he has other supply and no use for me. I keep trying to get it in my head that the love I thought we shared was not real, but it is eating me up on the inside. He stuck with me just because I was there; not because i'm smart, not because i'm fun to be around or a good person... I never gave him any reason to doubt me or to want to hurt me... this is a sickening feeling...

#2 Oct 30 - 4PM

Amiee

Mine got his final D & D in

Mine got his final D & D in court. I had broken up with him. Had to get a Civil Protection Order to stop the hoover and other criminal behavior. He drove 60 miles to tell everyone he never wanted to see me again. Then called the police on me, because I weakend and asked him if he wanted to talk after court to finish it. THEN emailed law enforcement to remind them to keep me away from him. Yesterday, I was struggling with wanting contact,wondering why he just disappeared, why he gave up relatively easy. I think we are done. I confronted him with everything I can prove/know, I sent him information on his disorder. I think he is really pissed. Despite this, there are moments I want contact, I thought if he ever loved me he would show it. He can't nor won't. Again this is faulty thinking, he has no emotions or human feelings that are all about him. The man I wanted to win me back was his alter ego, and he didn't have emotions or feelings either. I am glad he is pissed. The only thing I can't resolve is I want him to hurt to the level he hurt me. I want him devestated to the level he devestated me. This is only a wish that keeps us connected and I am working on separating that. :)

#3 Oct 30 - 2PM

eleanorjean1990

Couldn't feel more the same

Couldn't feel more the same hun. I told mine to leave me alone after his worst hoover so far and am upset he hasn't tried to come back around to contacting me. These girls have been absolutely wonderful with advice so stick to the board and keep reading. Even though i am upset too by him not contacting me, it seems to get a fraction easier each time. But lets hope they stay well away. Love to you xxx

#4 Oct 30 - 2PM

Victim-no-more

Mine discarded me and was

Mine discarded me and was silent for 5 mo. It was torture but after 5mo. I finally felt like I had started to get on with my life. I had stopped obsessing,etc. Then...boom. He made contact...hoovered me for 10 days straight. Guess what? Now I'm back at square one. Its like he was never even gone for those 5mo. I'm obsessed, thinking about him all the time.....hurting, missing him. You have no idea how much a few texts from him can set you back. I can't believe it myself. Be glad.

#5 Oct 30 - 2PM

Deidre40

He will contact you, when he

He will contact you, when he needs something. Trust me. They do, either indirectly or directly. Mine went silent for a time. Baited me. Taunted me through others. To get my attention. Like a fool, I caved at times, and not because I ever wanted him back. But, I broke NC to gain closure. To somehow extend an olive branch to the creature. But, he only used those moments to insult me. Be wary of hoovering. Your ex probably does have new supply. But, he'll fuck that relationship up too, no doubt...and when he does, he'll circle back around old carcasses. lol To see if there's anymore meat to gnaw off. DON'T FALL FOR ANY ROMANTIC LINES THAT HE MAY THROW YOUR WAY. ''Oh, I made a terrible mistake babe. We belong together. I didn't mean what I said.''

#6 Oct 30 - 2PM

ifinallygotit

it is hard because of the rejection

But it is not personal and it is a blessing to get enough time and distance to gain some perspective. I felt this way too initially but eventually just accepted that we broke up and he was off and running with NS and I started to pick myself up and make new goals. He did not contact me from Dec 2010 until June 2011. I thought I was doing better and was strong enough for contact but it really set me back - he discarded me a second time after the contact in June. I have been quite depressed but no where near the original shock of abandonment last Fall. It will get better if you stay NC - promise I was shocked when he contacted me in June and he sounded happy, like he was still my BF who had been gone a few weeks on a trip - so freaky - then disappeared again

#7 Oct 30 - 1PM

dulcinea441

This feeling is natural,

This feeling is natural, Meik, and just has to run its course. My narc is a cold-hearted bastard who, once he is done with a victim, erases her entirely from his life. He will probably not be back, especially as I have verbally eviscerated him and ripped off his mask. He is, at heart, a coward, and only wants to play with those women he thinks he can fool and break into complete submission. Anyway, my advice is to use this sickening feeling and begin to condition yourself with it against the narc. Think of the ways he has caused you to feel anxious, nauseous, and otherwise ill, and realize that he is a form of poison. Eventually, the thought of him ever circling back round will make you so sick to your stomach that you will be glad if he never contacts you again!

#8 Oct 30 - 7PM (Reply to #17)

Susan32

Playing with the coward

I think the ex-Psych is the same way. Early on, he'd talk about how he'd cut a lot of people loose... he D&D'd his colleagues, even. I used his cowardice as the weapon to break him. It was his weakness, and with that I played. I don't think the ex-P will be back, because I dealt some narcissistic injuries... that were probably funny to everyone BUT him. When I realized that he LIKED seeing me sad, weepy, submissive, angry-but he did NOT like seeing me happy. He'd avoid me when I was happy. Believe me, when I broke NC in '09 it was a letter FULL OF HAPPY. It was also full of ridicule. Nothing terrorized him more than HUMOR. He HATED being laughed at-that's why he dashed out of the senior skit mocking him (don't worry, I gleefully recounted it to him the next day) So, when I broke NC... there were laughs... at HIS expense, not mine. He was footing the bill (with the finance charges) I realized that my happiness&sanity at graduation (not to mention just graduating, period) were incredibly fatal narcissistic injuries. He wouldn't have minded if I had eviscarated him with anger&rage... he liked that. But being laughed at? Oh, he minds that. Humor has devastating effects on him, therefore it is used.

#9 Oct 30 - 9PM (Reply to #18)

dulcinea441

Haha, the one time I prompted

Haha, the one time I prompted him to respond after the D&D was when I sent him a two-line note ridiculing him. I said his new hairdo made him look like Richard Branson (he had bleached it white in some attempt to look punk rock but it just kinda made him look old and cheesy instead). Man, I could tell that made him hoppin' mad, lol.

#10 Oct 30 - 10PM (Reply to #19)

Susan32

"Why so serious? Why so serious?"

I would've taunted him with THAT! Nevermind those lines are uttered by the psychopathic Joker who believes wreaking havoc on Gotham is fun. The ex-P went for my sense of humor;he was a humorless guy (unlike my Narc grandmother, or my former Narc boss, whose senses of humor make them HUMAN) He claimed that people mocked him to defend themselves from him. So I went all out. Balls to the wall kind of humor. Take no prisoners. Great with the Richard Branson comparison! Humor is the best weapon. As Saul Alinsky famously said, humor is the BEST weapon because there is NO defense against it. And we wouldn't want Ns/Ps to be able to defend themselves? Your note ridiculing him sank in A LOT deeper than ANY outrage. Your anger fed his fury (it was justified-unfortunately, he saw it as entertainment) When it comes to humor, I say-think like the mountain lion. They are muscular, stealthy, and wait till the target is cornered. Then jump.

#11 Oct 30 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

into the light

I so want to feel that level

I so want to feel that level of sickening disgust, but it's not happening yet. I hate the fact that I'm still obsessing over him, torturing myself with different scenarios of him and his new life with the NW. I wish I had been like you and ripped off his mask the last time I saw him (nearly 3 months ago, and I've been NC since then) and told him everything I knew about his psychopathic behaviour. Instead, he bamboozled me again, with his 'good guy' persona, as if he was trying to let me down gently. The relationship he said 'was just not working' for him and there were problems that had been there for a while - which was all utter bullshit. He droppped me out of the blue and cheated on me after he'd found someone who was easier to manipulate, plus had more money. What hurts is that he introduced her to his family straight away, and I was never allowed to meet any of them When he left, I doubted all over again what he was and had to sit for 3 hours writing down all the hard evidence again from my notes to convince myself I was right. They are such expert actors. I want so badly now to tell him to his face what a shallow, manipulative, empty fake he is. I think that's why I want him to get in touch. Even though I know he'll just erase it from his memory.

#12 Oct 30 - 3PM (Reply to #15)

dulcinea441

You know, there is really

You know, there is really nothing you can do in the immediate aftermath of a breakup with a narc that makes you feel good. Only time and NC will bring that clarity of mind and help restore your damaged dignity and power. We ALL wish we'd handled things differently than we did. In my case, I raged back at him, after being his submissive little slave for so long, and tore him to shreds verbally. I spared him nothing in telling him exactly what I thought of his selfish, hypocritical, lying, and predatory behavior. I dashed it all off in a scathing letter and sent it to him right after he D&D'd me. I felt good for about 2 minutes afterward and then I fell to the floor crying, thinking to myself, "Oh no - what did I just do? Now I'll NEVER get him back!" Even though the fighter in me had broken through, momentarily, the brainwashed part of me still wanted him back desperately. And, you know, except for one weak-ass email he sent a couple of weeks later dismissing my observations and taking responsibility for nothing, I've never heard from him again. I've written to him since, stupidly, and all I've gotten in return is silence. I'm sure he thinks he's "won." They ALL think they've won, no matter how things ended or who issued the final kiss-off. It's part of their PD to believe that they are ALWAYS in the right. If they hoover their past victims, it's only to reinforce to their fragile little egos that they are still and forever the "winner." In any case, a big part of me wishes I'd simply gone silent after his final scathing words to me. I wish I hadn't even given him the satisfaction of seeing how angry and hurt I was. I wish I'd left him confused. But then he'd probably be trying to hoover me and I'd get sucked back in, only for him to humiliate and discard me all over again. So there's no perfect or beautiful exit with these guys, there's only the pain of complete betrayal, followed by self-education, followed by coming to terms with who they are, and eventually ending with healing and growth on OUR part (never theirs). We all react according to our nature. That's what makes us human. That's what makes us real. That's what differentiates US from THEM. When we react, it comes from a place of real emotion. When they react, it comes from an emotional wasteland that's operating on an ancient program that governs their shallow and meaningless behavior. Ultimately, WE win and have our closure when we stop caring about these losers and move on to happy, healthy, narc-free lives. That's a process that takes a lot of time but you and I and all of us WILL get there. Don't give up! Hugs, D.

#13 Oct 30 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

into the light

Thanks Dulcinea

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I'm having such a hard time right now, intrusive thoughts and bouts of crying, and this follows a couple of days when I was feeling relatively optimistic. I think you must be right - there is no getting closure when you are discarded, whether we rage or we pretend we don't know about their pathology. Although I told him I wished I'd never met him, I didn't become emotional and tell him how disordered he was. Part of me was expecting, I think, that I would see him again. If he had shown his dark side, I would have not hesitated, but he threw me by being so 'caring'. All false, of course. My daughter said, 'Mum, he would have prepared that role, prepared his act.' There are so many things I want to say now, they go round and round in my head. I want to 'prove' to him what a liar and fraud he is. Even if he would forget about it afterwards. Thus far I have resisted putting it all in an email or text. That's because I want to see the whites of his eyes when I tell him, even though he would forget it instantly. I feel such primitive feelings. Atavistic desires. I want to wound his psyche, which is probably not healthy, I know, but I hate the way he continues to dominate my life. I'm going to cleanse my home again with some smudging sticks. He is a dark ghost that still preys on me. Do you know, Dulcinea, you have given my feelings more thoughtful, kind attention here, without knowing me, than he ever did. We must celebrate our loving, human selves - you are so right - they have only an emotional wasteland to draw on. Many thanks x

#14 Oct 30 - 10AM

Layla

Congratulations on 4 weeks NC!!!!

That is GREAT!!!!!!! : )) You have to give this NC strategy time......4 weeks is awesome it REALLY is! The first weeks are the most challenging! And you are doing this!!!!! The problem here with you being upset the PDI has not contacted you is the fact you are looking to HIM for validation. When you finally come to a place where the only validation you need is your own, what others do or do not do will be of no consequence to you. Now, this does NOT happen overnight and I am not expecting that you will read my words and magically come to a place of self awareness and validation but by remaining NC, continuing educating yourself on PD's and self work, you WILL come to that place. Are you in therapy? If you have the means, you may wish to pursue this avenue. You can check in your county and inquire about counseling for abused persons as well. There are group sessions often available at no charge. You say he is a cold, stubborn, spiteful bastard. Do you think you deserve to have a cold, stubborn, spiteful bastard as a life partner? You are looking for validation from a man who does not validate you now, or ever will. I am proud of you and your 4 weeks NC. You ARE taking back your control and your power. Keep reading on this site and there are many others on the internet. This guy you described is NO CATCH, believe it. love~ Layla

#15 Oct 30 - 9PM (Reply to #12)

meik11

Thank you Layla, I needed that...

Its so odd how yesterday I was so upset wondering why he hadn't contacted me, who he was with, and what I could do and today I didn't give him much thought at all. This is just part 2 pof the roller coaster and I know it. My feelings have truly been hurt, but when I sit back and reflect on our relationship I know I should be happy I haven't heard from the prick... You are definitely right, he is NO CATCH!

#16 Oct 30 - 12PM (Reply to #11)

Goldie

Excellent response Layla

"When you finally come to a place where the only validation you need is your own, what others do or do not do will be of no consequence to you." This says it all and yes, it takes time to get to this point. Congrats on 4 weeks NC and keep reading and posting. You are relatively new, Meik and it takes time to wrap your brain and emotions around what a PD really is. You will get there in time. http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/10/28/there-appears-be-much-confusion-what-pd God bless, Goldie

#17 Oct 30 - 7AM

onwithmylife

think

of a vulture, circling around the dead animal waiting to make a move for it.....that is how they operate, be happy if they do nor contact so YOU can get on with your life and heal yourself, it is not about him now but about YOU............i went back so many times and nothing changed, and wasted so many years of my life......

#18 Oct 30 - 10AM (Reply to #9)

Layla

Yes, I took mine back too many times! 8 WASTED years!!!

They DO NOT change! What you see today is how they will ALWAYS BE! Mine GOT WORSE over time!!! Much WORSE! If you are out, STAY OUT! love~ Layla

#19 Oct 30 - 5AM

Emma

I haven't heard from my xN

I haven't heard from my xN for over a week now. He's had his children there for the week, so hes been pre occupied with them. I just hope when he takes them back today, he still stays away. Altho hes been blocking me and unblocking me in places, waiting for me to initiate contact, i didnt. This is the longest iv gone without contact, and I like to think iv done well. From what iv read. here, most seem to come back at some point.

#20 Oct 30 - 4AM

ekat

It was a week NC last night..

It was a week NC last night.. the only thing I got from him was a text basically saying, we are stuck in our old problems and if I had not got over what happenned between us, how can HE have any hope I will get over it. He crushed me for the 2,5 months we lived together and I was just a shadow of myself, completely dead inside, but he does not allow me to talk about it, tell him how I felt. Whenever I try he takes it as accusations and agression. And yet, how can I lok towards the future if I have not been able to resolve the hurt and emptiness I felt in the past? Basically his text was putting the blame on me, yet again..

#21 Oct 30 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

dulcinea441

Typical narc bullshit: You

Typical narc bullshit: You are to blame. I got this crap all the time from my narc when he was torturing me and trying to make me beg for his love -- "If YOU don't see what is wrong with your behavior, then how can I continue to have a relationship with you?" It was always MY fault and MY lack of maturity, understanding, and awareness, and NEVER his.

#22 Oct 30 - 4AM

Sea

Hey mine was silent for

Hey mine was silent for months! I have been thru the "why he did no contact" stage, it was very difficult. Alot of reasons like other supplies, out of sight out of mind etc, we know. Hunter has been harassed by me for weeks on this topic but patiently tells me again and again why. I waited and more time passes I quit thinking in circles. Be patience, wait for time to pass. As you read the pain of hoovers some members are suffering from you can empathise and grateful that they stay aways when you are trying to heal. Hugs!!

#23 Oct 30 - 3AM

indenial

yep sucks

Me too. Nearly 3 weeks nc after he said goodbye in a text and I didn't respond. Then he turns up a week into nc and poorly hoovers. I ignored again now nothing other than him driving by my road in the exs car. So she must have had him back. He must be getting supply off of her or someoene else. I know its good he hasn't hoovered in case I did go back for more torture but it does make you finally wake up and think yes he stuck with me because I was there. Not because he loved me or I was special or because he even enjoyed my company. I was just there conveniently. Not convenient for me anymore though

#24 Oct 30 - 3AM

Gaia

same here

Im only 2 weeks out, and keep wondering why the hell, he hasnt even tried a trick or two on me. Nothing, cold..empty silence. This is probably their "punishment", while they are going about their lives. FUCK THIS. It makes me so mad and sick.

#25 Oct 30 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

dulcinea441

None of them have a

None of them have a conscience, but some of them are, by their nature, more sadistically cold than others. Those of us who were discarded by the really mean type are at much less risk of being hoovered, I think, than those whose narcs act like sweet little goofballs who playfully pretend that nothing has happened. That latter type is, by far, the more dangerous kind. Their total lack of empathy is hidden beneath the surface; they are the ones more apt to circle back around with flowers and speaking words of love; they are harder to hate and harder to give up because they do not ACT mean, though they are, indeed, quite heartless.

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