Who I Was vs. What I have Become

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#1 Feb 17 - 12PM

The Girlfriend ...

Who I Was vs. What I have Become

For some reason I've been mulling over this topic alot and debated if it would be something to write about. I think so many of us are caused to forget the precious intelligent positive women that we were, especially after our Narcissist/Psycopath gets 'done'with us, D&D's us and defines who we are in slandering us later during and after a relationship with them.

Perhaps this is an identifier as to who I am. But someone reminded me today of the things I have done in my life that were good, (something I needed to hear, because my Psychopath has been D&D'ing me again and I feel very bad and stupid for ever leting my guard down when I was NC, and letting him manipulate back for more of his abuse)and I have been crying and trying to remember 'ME' all morning...who I was, the good person that I really am, and NOT the terrible, suspicious, untrusting & jealous, sexless woman who 'causes all the relationship problems' and is a 'paranoid nutcase' according to him (yeah right! HE is up to his lying, cheating and abusive ways again, wonder WHY I don't trust him)

Last night, even though I was in a positive frame of mind, or trying to be, he played all sorts of mind games and when I did'nt react, just kept getting nastier and nastier. He told me I had a 'big head'...and when I asked what he meant...he said with a huge grin..."You are a 'fat head'...and laughed, then said "Awwww, did that hurt your feelings? Are you gonna cry now? Huh? Are you mad at me now?"...and I said no, becaue I just think he meant the word 'fat' as in 'phat' which is in a good way" You can't believe how much this bothered him...he was hoping to have hurt me, but I turned it around to mean something nice...which really frustrated him. I WAS hurt though, and left the room as if I needed to go to the kitchen for some water so he didn't see the tears streaming down my face because I realized he had MEANT to hurt me and his intentions are so destructive. He is actually AWARE of what he is doing...and there is nothing like the pain when you finally KNOW what they do to destroy you is absolutely, methodically, without a doubt,VERY intentional.

I realize he has been successful in his endeavors to hurt me and damage my self-confidence and dignity. Logically, I KNOW I am nothing at all as he describes me to be and not to blame for what he attributes/projects on to me...that really is all about HIM. But I have been affected by it, and needed to write down in words who I really was...and someday hope to be again...when I can get away permanently from this sick relationship...and heal. I need so much to remember who I AM. Not the person I have become because of him.

I am writing this, because I want other women to know...it doesn't matter who you are, how wonderful and accomplished, educated, loving, beautiful or what you may know about abuse and how much you tell yourself that you would never be with someone who is abusive...you can STILL become involved with these sick men, and not realize what you are into, until it is too late and you have been hurt and changed. And even AFTER that, after you have been hurt and diminished by him and the experience, it is VERY difficult to get away from him...and it is a long road to heal and remember who you used to be afterwards. And it is NOT your fault. It isn't your fault at all...even when you are left with the blame and slander and how much how much he trashes every good thing about you.

Here is the irony of who I used to be vs. what I have become because of my relationship with this Psychopath who mascaraded as 'one of the nicest men I had ever met', and turned out to be one of the most spiritually, emtionally & physically destructive and dangerous men I have ever known:

I was the Mom who wrote the famous, much debated Legislative Bill, widely known as the law about "Putting Kids First", "The Child and Family Preservation Act of the State of California" (R)Runner, AB913, signed by Gov. Pete Wilson on July 8th, 1998, specifically written to protect the wellfare of children from harm and abuse during a divorce and resulting custody issues between their parents in court.

This law also established the 'Parenting Plan' now established in every Family Law Court in the USA, which I also wrote the orginal draft, with some wonderful advice and counsel from Judge O'Brien, other advisors & specialists in psychology from UCLA, as well as Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who spoke often about this law (AB913), and the premise for it, and supported it on her international talk show from Los Angeles, around the world.

I also wrote a much debated legislation on the subject of Domestic Violence" (AB1794, presented in 1999)(R)Runner to educate the public about abuse and it's affect on persons, women, children & society and better protect, people women and children, and society in general from it.

I was nominated for a "National Golden Rule Award" in 1999

I was named 'Hometown Hero" and featured in the 'Citizens' magazine in 1997 for this work on behalf of others.

I was 'honored' in a commendation letter by "The Nicole Brown Simpson Charitable Foundation" for this work.

I received honors and acknowledgement from many people, including personal letters from President Clinton, and Tipper Gore.

And I never felt so humble and honored as when the legislation about "Putting Kids First" was presented to the Judiciary Committee for the first time in 1997...because as I was standing there in a packed Committee Room with Assembly Members, Sponsers of the Legislation, etc...the entire COmmittee comprised of Senators & Assembly Members rose to a standing ovation.I shall never forget that moment for as long as I live.

People used to come up to me that I didn't even know and shake my hand and say it 'is an honor to meet you'...people who it was actually an honor to be able to ever meet THEM in a lifetime! And they actually thought it was an honor to meet me?, that I was worthy of such a greeting. A very humbling experience to have some of the finest people in the community and country who think so well of YOU.

I have met some of the most amazing people who have also accomplished much in their lives. I was always a positive happy person, full of joyfulness...no matter what life brought, and always felt confident and capable to handle all things. I had a natural sense of gratitude and people often told me that I was 'radiant' or simply 'shined'and made them happier just to be around me.

...and now? Who am I? This week alone, my Psychopath BF has called me a 'F*cking B*tch', a 'Loser', and described me in terms as if my entire life has been irrelevent and worthless. I have walked on eggshells and have been trying to find my way out of here again...and want so much to make NC a permanent thing...but everytime I am successful at it...every time I begin to remember the woman I was...the woman I truly AM...he harrasses, stalks, threatens, maligns...and eventually pours on the charm full blast at all the right most vulnerable moments so he can get me back into his life to have and to abuse once again.

I can see myself now as I have become...the damage that has been done to my sel-esteem...and I can see that each and everyday he destroys me more, as it is his intention...somedays he abuses almost 'softly; so others may not notice...somedays he abuses with abandon and such cruelty...that I think his goal is to litereally suck me dry and take my life.

I write this in hopes that other women will know...no matter how smart or strong you are...NO one is immune completely to a cunning, clever, predator...not at least until you have had this experience with one...so you can recognize them the next time and NEVER allow them in your life.

Today I feel something inside me reawaken. The longing to save someone and protect someone...as I have always stood up for others.

Perhaps it is time for me to learn...once and for all...to stand up for and protect myself.

I want so much to be the woman I was before...I do not recognize the woman knowing HIM has caused me to become...

#2 Feb 18 - 5AM

cynthia (not verified)

we move on with our good qualities....

I had a natural sense of gratitude and people often told me that I was 'radiant' or simply 'shined'and made them happier just to be around me. He is sure going to miss that supply when it is gone, Its time you gave it to others that appreciate everything that you are instead of abuse you for the good qualities that you have, they love to do that to good people. I finally got wise too.

#3 Feb 18 - 12PM (Reply to #9)

agnesmurphy17

Cynthia's Right

And, you are some amazing lady. I hope now you can move on from this bad man? I read something very helpful. People with personality disorders have healthy components of their personalities. In every day life, their colleagues & acquaintances connect with this healthy part of their personality. But, in an area of fundamental human emotion, in intimate relationships, they have missed a period of development. They are stuck in some primitive, pre age 3 world. Here they are very fragmented & disorganized beings. Any pschotherapist who connects with this unhealthy part in a transference is doomed. A love relationship is a different connection from a theraputic tranference, but, nevertheless, the victim gets co-opted into all the craziness along the lines of a psychosis. The woman can never connect exclusively with the healthy component of the personality. You must stay away. Save yourself. ANd, he did mean to hurt you intentionally. I did things like you did . . . deliberately interpreted things to his face as non-hurtful. I also noticed those side-long glances, those questioning looks. But, you see, how they use "normal" psychology to keep you in there. And, if you complain . . . they then blame you. You tolerated. You made excuses. Also, in making excuses, one invites an escalation of the abuse. And, the abuse will escalate. Can such an amazing woman as yourself find another job far away from this psychopath? Get away! Please.

#4 Feb 17 - 11PM

Piscesdream

Thank you for that wonderful

Thank you for that wonderful message. You are an amazing person, all of us are. It is definitely time for you to heal YOURSELF. =) ((hugs))

#5 Feb 17 - 4PM

AnotherPath

Hey you're one bright lady.

Hey you're one bright lady. Ever thought now is the time to make a stand getting "pathological narcissists in the lime light" some sort of legislation that will give information to the legal system about narcissism and psychopaths and how bad they are as parents, how they manipulate in the legal system. The legal system doesn't understand personality disorders or abuse really, no one does until they've been there, and children are left with these narcs on visitation for weekends, even when there's a criminal record for it. It's about time that changed, can you be the one that starts this? We need someone like you.

Ending the dance

#6 Feb 17 - 4PM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

Sandra Brown

Sandra Brown, MA's Institute is trying to start a movement towards this. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#7 Feb 17 - 3PM

Barbara (not verified)

figuring out who you are

you will never be who you were before but you will be someone new... and better ~~~~~~~~ Am I Who He Says I Am? by Sandra Brown, MA One of the chief complaints of having been with a pathological is the 'acquiring' of his view of you. In previous newsletters I discussed the 'pathological world view which is the 'lens' thru which he sees himself, others, and the world. This view of the world is processed thru his own pathological disorder which is why his view of the world is not like normal people's view. His is negative, self focused, grandiose, paranoid, critical, self promoting. He sees others as always wrong, out to get him, stupid or inept. He sees himself as right, the victim, or the only one that knows anything at all. He sees you as the re-victimizer of him, wonderful and yet horrible, needed and yet hated, smart yet dependent on him, in need of his brilliance, faulty without him, as pathological as he is... and the list goes on. A lot of the work we do with women is for them to understand that what she is feeling is often the result of HIS pathological world view thrust upon her and used to define her. Pathology is the inability to change and sustain change, grow in any meaningful way, or develop insight about how one's behavior effects other. If he can't change he projects his inability on you and makes it YOUR fault or YOUR inability to change that is the problem in the relationship. He acts as if he should not be asked to change or he has changed when he hasn't. He makes you 'think' that you asked for something huge and wrong for him to change OR that what needs changing is only you and nothing in him. If he can't grow in any meaningful way, he projects his non-growth onto the relationship and suggests it's the relationship stagnation you are really experiencing. If you could only GROW to accept him in all his pathology, then the relationship would thrive. If he can't develop insight about how his behavior effects others, he projects his undeveloped insight on you and says these are your traits. And you simply don't understand 'what you are doing to him.' All his anger is yours, all his deviancy is yours, you are just as sick as he is which is why you are a great match, all his lying is yours, all his manipulations are yours. That's because in pathology they are MASTER PROJECTORS. It is in fact, one of the 'symptoms' of pathology. They take all their pathological attributes and say they are YOURS. Over a period of time of this intense projection, several things happen: * She begins to believe that these negative and disturbing attributes really are HER personality * She normalizes these behaviors of his (and what he says are hers) so they are less disturbing to her * Her self esteem drops and she no longer looks for ways to disbelieve him about these attributes * And if her self esteem drops low enough, she no longer seeks to leave Women who seek counseling thru our phone support or retreat programs come in 'programmed' to believe HIS pathology is actually hers. Some of our treatment is much like the treatment cult survivors or hostages would receive when they have been 'brainwashed' to believe they were bad so they were taken hostage. Coercion/ seduction techniques, the Stockholm Syndrome and other psychological hostage-taking maneuvers are common with women who have been in severely pathological relationships. * Would you take someone who was held as a prisoner of war and just send them home and tell them they will be fine? * Would you tell them they don't need specialized help in order to reform their thinking to their former patterns of thought? * Would you tell them to just go back to work or find someone else or go get on Match.com or EHarmony. com and all will be well? In many cases, I have seen women come to our retreat program in the same 'shape' as people suffering from Stockholm Syndrome--they are emotionally, physically, financially, and sexually exhausted. They have tapes playing in their heads that he is normal and she is sick. She has been told for so long by a brilliant pathological that she is mentally ill and should seek treatment. She has been told that everything that is black is really white and that everything that is bad is really good. The Master Projection he uses causes similar symptoms as people who have been held captive, thrust into cults, or held prisoner in other people's belief systems. These are intensely programmed beliefs that are not 'removed' simply because you break up. Lingering effects means that specialized treatment is required. But the first step is recognizing these symptoms in yourself -- that HIS pathological attributes have been assigned to you by him and quite possibly none of them are true. Learning to sustain that belief is where help is often needed. Just for today, allow the possibility that none of what he said is really about you. See if all those attributes aren't really HIS... http://www.saferelationshipmagazine.com ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#8 Feb 17 - 7PM (Reply to #2)

no more

WOW

What a powerful article. THis describes exactly how I felt throughout my N relationship. I remember him saying such hurtful things to me, and then feeling as if I had to defend myself because there WAS a time I did not feel that way about my self. There was a time where I had good self esteem. But after listening to this day in and out you start to believe what they are saying is true. You begin to feel so low about yourself and of course because he keeps repeating and repeating these degrading, horrible things about and to you,you start to believe it is all true. They eat away at your self esteem until you become nothing but a heap of garbage, or just an empty shell. We have to start telling our selves that, that is not who we are. We are still that same person inside. And YES we WILL someday be a new and even better person. I feel I am reversing a lot of this damage done to me by doing POSITIVE affirmations on a DAILY basis instead of the negative s##it he used to throw at me. I know we all have a long road ahead of us but we CAN do it.

I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.

#9 Feb 17 - 8PM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

no more

until you get the trauma and PTSD under control - affirmations do ZERO. I hope your therapist is helping you. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#10 Feb 18 - 8AM (Reply to #4)

peacewarrior

girlfriend of Dr. Jekyll

This is a long process for as the smoke clears, the fog lifts there is so much to work through in the light that follows to reclaim our real selves. It is analgous to a severely traumatic and life threatening accident leaving a person with broken bones, life support in need of physical therapy and ICU care. Just because the 'accident' is over does not mean one hops out of bed and is able to do all they did before. I am glad for you that you remember without doubt things you achieved for the good and welfare of others, your convictions, personal power to realize your goals. This is huge you remember others who recognized you for your work with respect and honor. I believe it is vital to focus on what we did, our emotions, rationale, intention to reconnect with our authentic self to facilitate our recovery and detatch from what a pathalogical said to diminish and escalated to destroy about us then project their sickness.

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