Where is my heart???? I can't find it anymore....

It's amazing to me that six years after my ex-NARC left me, I sometimes find myself hurting and grieving as if the break-up just happened.

For the most part, I am doing very well. I haven't posted on here in awhile, but I do check in every now and then to read others thoughts, experiences, and advice. I have been in therapy off and on since the break-up, being diagnosed with PTSD and even treated with EMDR to help relive the pain.

I have successfully been NC for close to 8 months now, and that for me is THE single most difficult thing. It is overwhelming to me that someone can be such a HUGE part of your life,and then they are just gone.

I'm a gay male, 38 years old. My NARC is my ex who I met when I was 29. He is an actor and fits the description of a NPD to a "T." The concept of NPD was introduced to me by a therapist in NYC, then reinforced by another when I moved home to Michigan. I remember now when I was with my ex, friends often commented on how narcissistic he was, but at the time, I just didn't understand what they meant, or how damaging having a relationship with him would be to my life.

I decided I needed to write this because I have again found myself on a very negative, self-defeating path. Even thought the concept of Narcissism makes sense in my head, after all this time, I'm having trouble understanding it in my heart. It is overwhelming to think that I "made up" our relationship. In truth, the relationship for me was very real, but the way I was D&D'd showed that for him, there really was not a relationship at all.

We were together 3 years, and in that time I worked so hard at trying to be the perfect, loving, and supportive partner, but never received the same in return. My ex was so perfect in the beginning (almost too perfect, in that I have yet to be swept off of my feet in that way since, which perhaps is a good thing.)

My ex (who did not believe in marriage, gay or straight) is now married to his partner and he just from what I had seen, he treats him a whole helluva lot better than he ever did me. I was always, in his eyes, damaged, and needy, and insecure. Any self-help book I read was deemed as my "crazy" books. The thought of therapy or counseling was encouraged, for me...but never for him. He was perfect, and hie perfection was constantly reinforced by the admiration of his celebrity friends (His favorite saying was Famous people are better than regular people, he would say it tongue-in-cheek, but I always knew he meant it.) Hence the reason he wanted an open-relationship, to take his admiration to a higher level, especially when he would be away for months doing a film or a play.

I know my thoughts are scattered right now. I have found myself in a period of darkness the last few days. These periods are only temporary, they never last as long as they once did, but the intensity is still, well, intense. I'm currently working on becoming a therapist myself, and I have found myself in the trap of learning about attachment in our childhood and of course, every dysfunction, every abnormality we study, I apply to me, believing that this is why I acted that way, or did that, or hurt like this. As many of us, I am an extremely sensitive and compassionate person. I used to think that was my strength, but now I see it is a double-edged sword and can also be my weakness.

This experience has challenged me on every level. My faith. My beliefs about love and commitment. My belief in myself.

The most difficult thing that I now face, is not being able to open myself to love again. I have dated a lot since the break-up, but my heart just, well feels dead. No guy compares to my ex (or the illusion of my ex.) No matter how hard I try, I just cannot feel the same towards another that I did towards him. I have a lot to offer, and many people say I'm a real catch, but I am sometimes afraid that that part of me is dead.

Any thoughts????