Where is my Anger????

Hello lovely ladies,

It has been a while since i have posted..in that time I have even changed my name from Timtam to newbegginings..well it is, i guess..A newbeggining!

I have been reading constantly, but just could not find the energy to post...my feelings were too hard to articulate...it was all mumble jumble.

I have moved along, pushing past the pain, I have been no contact since October. I found this so distressing, as even though NC, I see him almost everyday at school.

I am perplexed as to why I do not feel anger...I'm still sad, feelings of hurt have subsided, more shame these days, and feelings of being such an idiot for believing in something that never was.

I am not angry ....I don't hate him, its almost as if I don't feel anything....I still feel a little like a deer staring into headlights....numb.

I think about him alot...however, it does not leave me as broken as it once did. It happens at times, but nowhere near as much, i have days that i cry and cry and feel hopeless, but thats not everyday anymore.

Triggers are everywhere,deal with some better than others...a song left me in tears and then i saw him at The local shops two dAys ago, and i did not tremble like i did, freaked out internally...kids even noticed my change in demenour...but that passed too.

I feel me coming back to the world, laughing more with my kids smelling sweet scednts, listening instead of zoning out when people would talk and taking notice of whats around me. I was so hypnotised by him, that i was totally consumed in this fantasy world, nothing else existed but him...perplexing.

Is anger an integral part of healing...I don't think I will ever feel it...but then, I never thought I loved him...I was totaly consumed and intoxicated in him but never in love...is this why, anger wont come?

I feel that I am moving in the right direction, I can see why this takes so much time to work through...with every moment of enlightenment, comes another aspect of you that you need to work on...but I am being real...REAL for the first time in my life...this man, changed it forever, but I needed to be changed, timtam is gone and newbegginings has emerged, and the silver lining is that this man ruined me, but i was dead anyway, im alive for the first time , i am living life as true as i can be...no more pretending to be someone that i think everyone will love...they have to love me, for the real me...everyone!!!

Love newbegginings xoxo