Where is the justice in all of this?

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#1 Aug 12 - 6AM

Deidre40

Where is the justice in all of this?

I was thinking this morning, about how far we all have come. Each and every one of us share so much in common, but the healing process is unique to each of us. We have to go through breaking NC sometimes, lots of tears, regrets, CD…but eventually, once we go through the process, we come out on the other side, at peace and victorious …and perhaps, better than we were before the narc experience. That said, some here (including me) have asked…’’where is the justice for us?’’ (and their other victims) And it’s often been said, that leading a peaceful and happy life, is often the best ‘revenge.’ (for lack of a better word, we know we shouldn’t SEEK revenge) And I thought to myself, I am happier without him. I have rediscovered my life, and enjoy being off of that website that we once used to chat through together. I never thought I’d be able to stand strong and leave behind all those things that kept me attached, but with God, I did. I hear through the grapevine that he’s in a relationship, and yet also has his profile active and up on a dating website. (hear this through mutual friends) And I thought…Dee, you have changed for the better. He is still wallowing in his own personal hell-dom. Of his own doing. Dating someone who he probably tells he loves, yet he is still openly active on a dating website. How sad for her. I prayed for that girl today, when I heard this news. I prayed that somehow, she wakes up to the real him. For he is a bad man. He is, and he doesn’t deserve to hurt another woman. He doesn’t. But, it’s out of my hands, but I prayed. That said, I have high hopes for my future, now. I’m smiling again, and sleeping well again. He, on the other hand…is still the lost soul I left behind. So, therein lies the proof everyone. Justice comes to us, but maybe not quite as you’d expect. Take care and enjoy the weekend!!

#2 Aug 12 - 11PM

sara-smile

Deidre

You are so right. I love your thoughts in this post!! I have finally gotten to the point where I'm not jealous of the OW and I don't obsess about what they are doing, does he treat her better, will he change for her or does he really love her. I've finally learned the answer is NO and I know that without any doubts. I worry about her and her little boy now instead of hating her. Today I made the Narc raging mad at work and I have worried all afternoon because it's his weekend with the kids and she is with him. I hope he doesn't take the rage I caused out on her. She's really a very nice girl and I pray that her and her little boy do not see the Narcs rage.

#3 Aug 15 - 9PM (Reply to #13)

Deidre40

sara

Aw sara...you have a big heart. I hope he doesn't either. :=( My ex is dating a girl who has a little boy. I cringe thinking of the impact he may be making on this kid. I am happy you are past any jealousy, etc. He didn't date anyone exclusively, until I was close to healing, so there was not jealousy. And what's interesting, is from what I can tell, he seems worse than he was when with me. Flirts with other women, views porn...is active on a dating website. Ugh. I feel for the new woman. Let's keep moving on...and getting better. :=)

#4 Aug 12 - 8AM

Arwen

All my narcs have either died

All my narcs have either died or live in horrible depression and self-loathing. They are in their own hell all the time. I don't wish this on anyone because I have children and my N's were children once too before they were beseiged by this horrible condition they live with, but, having said that, there is justice to us even though you may not be able to see it. I have seen it, over and over again. Love Arwen

#5 Aug 12 - 8AM

58 and going strong

Thank you Dee, and yes, by

Thank you Dee, and yes, by law of attraction I do believe we can draw the beautiful things into our lives with the thoughts, feelings, and mental images we invite and allow to be inside us. Feelings and thoughts of revenge are only keeping a victim occupied and busy (and thus connected) with the perpetrator and what that person did. That is the past, and we cannot change that. We can change the present only. Going through the grieving process is part of letting go. Working through that, the Ns in our lives are loosing their power, one day at a time. Love and peace to all.

#6 Aug 12 - 7AM

Goldie

Beautiful post

Thank you for sharing this and you have a wonderful weekend as well Dee. God bless, Goldie

#7 Aug 12 - 7AM

rosedewittbukater

Ditto Deidre

Mine did this exact same thing. Her profile pic on FB is of her and her NS. Yet her online dating profile(s)? is still active. I think they like to keep all their options open. For all I know she had active profiles when she was pursuing me...despite throughout the entire relationship she constantly denied it (I never asked she just always declared this out of the blue - which was by the way a huge WTF?) Anyway I was so brainwashed I never "checked". Had I done so and ever confronted her about it that would just be more ammunition and I would have been accused of being the crazy jealous distrustful woman. I am glad you are smiling again. I am still waiting for justice.

#8 Aug 12 - 8AM (Reply to #8)

Deidre40

rosedewitt

Lol—ANOTHER example of how similar our stories are here. Seriously, he told me the same thing—‘’dee, I took down my dating profile so you know.’ I never asked, didn’t even know at that time he had one up. Now, I wonder if he lying to me. WHO CARES. But, according to a few mutual friends, he not only has it up, but it shows when he’s been active. So, my thought is like you say—they like to keep their options open. How horrible. So, ON that site, unsuspecting women are looking at his profile and thinking…this man is single and looking for a serious relationship. And the gf is thinking something entirely different. I am glad you are doing better too…it takes time, but we get there, eventually.

#9 Aug 12 - 6AM

dabussard

Deidre40

I know that going on and being happy is the sweetest revenge. But, I miss him terribly.. The CD gets to me everyday... The pain is there everyday... I know that I have to just push on... I know the happiness I had with him, I can not get back.. Just scraps of what we had... I can't and won't live like that... I deserve better.. You know I had a fantasy of him for 20 years, I wan't to be his girl all those years... The honeymoon stage only lasted for 4 months, then the craziness started. I must admit the fantasy was mush better than the reality.... Thank god for my husband standing beside me as my best friend, for my horses, and this forum.. Otherwise, I don't know where I would be right now... WHO NEEDS MEN WHEN THERE ARE HORSES!!! I AM STILL SPINNING, BUT I AM GROWING STRONGER EVERYDAY...

#10 Aug 12 - 8AM (Reply to #5)

Deidre40

dabussard

Oh dabussard, my heart aches for you—truly it does. I think part of the problem w/your situation is that you live in close proximity to your ex. That HAS to be hard. And you probably miss those good times…as fleeting as they once were. To keep bumping into the ex N…reels you back in time. You’re only human. I will be praying for you to continue moving on, and growing strong.

#11 Aug 12 - 8AM (Reply to #6)

dabussard

Deidre40

Yes, the hoovering that he has been doing and the constant bumping into him is definitely making my recovery very hard... I am still very attracted to him (he is Hot). So, this is what is making is so hard for me.. I told my therapist, that my N needs to be dead to me... But, running into him is really hard to pretend he is dead.. She told me that there are different kinds of dead and he needs to be dead to me in my mind and heart. This I am working on... WHO NEEDS MEN WHEN THERE ARE HORSES!! SPINNING TODAY AND IT SUCKS!!!

#12 Aug 12 - 6AM

Susan32

How I got my revenge...

I graduated. With my sanity intact. I was the one who pulled the vanishing act without a goodbye... *I* got the last word. Being HAPPY. Wishing HAPPINESS on others. I spoke of this as the best revenge... after having broken NC in '09. The ex-Psych prof couldn't stand seeing me happy. He'd either get angry or leave. I told the ex-P that I didn't punish him, he was his own best punishment. I've compared him to a tantrum-throwing newborn with impunity. Being able to laugh at him (I've done that when I've broken NC) is incredibly EMPOWERING. Back in the day, there was the double standard, that he could mock me because I was a student... but now that I've graduated, who's laughing at now? I've never spoken to him again. He used to say "I love the sound of your voice." I've gone silent. Unless he wants to hear my Lady GaGa impression&I know how profoundly he HATES music.

#13 Aug 12 - 6AM (Reply to #2)

Deidre40

Oh Susan, that is so great.

Oh Susan, that is so great. And funny as always…lol lol @ lady gaga… I never quite got that before…until just recently. But, we change through this ordeal. THEY DON’T. They honestly don’t. I never once asked people about this man, after the breakup. People …perhaps well meaning, perhaps not…would offer unsolicited comments. And some had to be removed from my life, as you have heard me talk about. Lament about. Lol But, I’ve kept a few, and they still feel the need to tell me about him. I don’t mind hearing anymore, now that I’m over it. And it’s interesting to see…he hasn’t changed. Perhaps, my friends want me to know this. For, they know that I was hurt by him. But, the sweet justice is knowing…I have grown. He is still looking for supply! And he has new supply. But, still not happy. Still seeking…yearning…lying…conniving…it’s mind boggling. When I had seen him on that dating website, I told one of these mutual friends, and I guess now they keep tabs on him. Lol And I’ve seen a picture of the new woman. She looks so dear. So….innocent. I cried when I saw her picture. (a friend sent to me…) And I thought…how does this man manage to lure us all in to his games? He chooses kind hearted types…and this girl. Seriously, looks innocent, and kind…ugh, he doesn’t deserve her. It makes me mad that he is on a dating website, lying to her no doubt. When I was on that other website, he’d talk her up…to get a reaction from me. It was obvious. So, why do this, I wonder. Why keep seeking supply. We’ll never understand narcs completely. We can become educated, but part of me honestly believes, these types represent evil. Which is why we don’t get it. For we have nothing to do with evil. But, they do. Only a person representing evil would turn his back on his kids, forever. Only a person representing evil would do all this man does. Plus, I heard he has a major porn problem. Lol Holy cow…I had no idea! That was news. So…this new woman. Gosh, she’s got a problem on her hands, and I pray pray pray…she wakes up to that. Thanks for listening Susan…wow, didn’t mean to go off on a tangent. Lol

#14 Aug 12 - 6AM (Reply to #3)

Susan32

It would be "Bored this way"

The ex-Psych prof was BORING! And mind you, Lady GaGa is imitating Madonna's "Vogue/Express Yourself" in "Born this way", so I'd have to imitate Lady GaGa imitating Madonna. That's a level of mimicry I'd have to practice to perfection. The ex-P's colleagues are the OPPOSITE of your friends on that website. I've mentioned him in passing... and they don't acknowledge his existence. My college has an alumni mag, I've gotten it over the past 11 years... and he's NEVER been in it. You'd think he was a figment of my imagination. His colleagues tolerate him the way we tolerate colds. Nobody likes having a cold... it's something to be borne until it passes. The ex-P thought I was kind, innocent... besides, I was a student. Leo Tolstoy was 34 years old when he targeted the innocent, kind, 18 year old Sofia Behrs who admired his writing&had memorized some of his book. Of course, the ex-P compared himself to Leo and me to Sofia. He was 32 when he met me (I was 18) Once, he said, "I'm assaulting your innocence." Who could be more trusted than a teacher, an adult? He thought his coarseness made him "manly." What was weird was HOW he replaced me. I wasn't replaced with a trophy wife. I'm a nerdy brunette... so is his wife. Narcs tend to go after younger, innocent, naive partners. The ex-P replaced me with a woman only 5 years his junior (I'm 15 years his junior) She worshipped him as a great philosopher. She looked&acted like him. She was a feminine version of him(?) but she was also a very masculine woman. The ex-P would constantly accuse me of being a Narc... now I understand. I think he WANTED another Narc as a partner. In a perverse way, it makes sense. As I told him, sometimes people are incompatible. "Didn't mean to go off on a tangent"-Apology accepted. Totally understandable.

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