Where is everyone at in the process?

Suzanne, what a great question. Well for me I'm nearly two years having got rid of him. I went down the road so much that he ended up the last time being so violent he was arrested, I went to hospital and had a fractured cheek bone thought to have been a broken jaw. In some ways that made it easier as he was then in the system with a criminal record and evidence that he was an abuser. God knows how people cope in court or in their lives with justifying "only" psychological abuse, you know I mean that as an "only" knowing how awful that is. If you stay too long you will end up in hospital like me, but for some reason knowing that another violent attack WOULD happen, that was then going to be my marker for leaving. I decided that when he either killed me or maimed me I would leave, I even told my sister this. Shocking that I would leave only under those conditions, like I had to make it so REAL for people to believe and myself to believe that this was going on. My mother had done the same to me and my 2 sisters and brother as children and my dad, and she's never been made accountable. We all know it's happened but don't confront her, we just know. I'm so thankful my children were only 2 and 4 when this happened, because it MADE me break free. It's what I needed to break free. I say thankfully because I know they will not witness this again. I'd made excuses in my head for it from my own childhood experience, the hushed up secrets that my mother had done to us children and my father. Now, I'm the mother. The mother that won't tolerate violence and would never hit my children, because it's SO wrong. My exN was convicted of something my mother had done to me as a child and my siblings. She lives in denial as much as he does. It took me till I was 41 to realise abuse is abuse and therapy allowed me to see that whatever she pretends didn't happen, happened. The leap for me was dialing for the police ,it was pre-meditated for me. I was just waiting for that chance to arrive. During the wait it was scary because I knew I'd have to do it one day, it was on the cards, the anxiety is unbelievable, you know the get out is going to happen. I won't say that the get out isn't horrendous, but I will say that the get out is worth EVERYTHING to be free from these people. I saw them both for what they are. I have compassion for the woman and child I was and what she was dealing with, but two years down the line of freedom I'm a different woman, a woman that will have an abuse free life and see them both for what they are, and have not part in it for me or my children. There is only one way, to get out.

and although i know im in for a ride, im ready to ride it out. i do have children with him. i am getting the therapy. heres what i did. if you are going to tell him its over, have all the stuff you want out as much as possible. they are soo self centered they dont notice things dissappearing. i too saved up money. and on the day i did it, i had a freind on the phone, he didnt know the phone was on, keys in the car, all doors unlocked, all my stuff in the car, and in a lcoation in the house that if i needed to make a run for it i could better than he. it feels awesome to be out. a sence of freedom. no more sleeping on eggshells, is he going to do something to me tonite. i feel empowered, and although i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop-HE cant tell me what to do...HE is no longer in control...RIP IT OFF LIKE A BANDAID...(carefully and well planned) Get out. ASAP, why waste another day-for a YEAR i waited till one day-i cant. i cant fake it anymore, i cant take it anymore. JUST GO....God Bless you!

You can do it! Kudos on being prepared. Your description of walking through the apartment wondering why you don't just leave is very familiar to me. You may be waiting for that next thing to occur which will push you over the edge so you feel like you can leave. That thing will happen, but do you really want to have the additional baggage that it will bring? Something to think about. It is probably much more of an effective message to him if you leave when things aren't in a crisis state. Meaning that even when he is being "good" (is he?) that you wanted to leave him. I am stuck in a one-legged potato sack race with my STBXNH. I had children with mine and am just trying to make the best of it. The blessing I have is that he is probably not as charming as most N's and feels it is beneath him to even offer to change. Just thinks no matter what that I should want him back, but makes no overtures to try to make it happen. So he's not hard to leave for good. Good luck to you...you can do it, and do it cleanly!