When you do the Dumping?

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#1 Jun 17 - 4AM
Gerri
Gerri's picture

When you do the Dumping?

Hi All,

I would just like a little bit more incite re the ending of a relationship with an N.

I woke up one morning – just over a month ago. I went in the shower and he had a go at me for dripping water on the floor. He then threw my dressing gown into the middle of the hall way. A few more insults were thrown my way – then I snapped.

I told him it was over, I wasn’t going on his works leaving do that night and I would be moving out. Told him I didn’t love him anymore, wished him the best and said I did not want to put up with anymore emotional abuse. For once he didn’t have a lot to say and stormed off. I think he was shocked – and not expecting it.

I followed through on my promise to him and left. This was on Friday 13th May. I got a pathetic voice mail the following Sunday saying “mumble mumble - is there any way we can move on from this?” I said no – queue the guilt trips.

Anyway I managed to get all my stuff out when he wasn’t in and have had very limited contact with him since. He sent a vicious e mail – I reply very amicably and calmly. There’s just been a couple of other mails trickle through re bills for the house etc.
Apart from that it all seems steady away – but a little bit too steady.

I did get an ‘accidental’ text sent to me about him enquiring about getting insurance for a van (he always used to try and tell me driving insurance was bull shit – and we shouldn’t be brainwashed by insurance companies into getting it!! Yet another ridiculous and irresponsible theory). The text was meant for his friend who is next to me on his phone.

Was this purely accidental? or his way of saying ‘I am lurking in the background and am very much still alive and kicking’ AGGHHH You just don’t know with them do you?

What I want to know is this:

How do they react when being dumped so suddenly? Is it a case that he knew my N supply to him was running out anyway, so was probably thinking about leaving me (D&D)?

Will he be bitter that I got in there first and bruised his ego?

Will this bitterness play on his mind – so he can justify bad mouthing me in the future?

Do they always hold a grudge? Or will he simply look for new supply? ( I really hope it’s the latter)

I know he will be saying stuff about me – I’ve accepted this and to be fair I’m not that bothered. My friends are the people that matter.

I’m just curious as to what happens to their psyche when they get dumped.

Many thanks

Jun 19 - 9AM
Monica
Monica's picture

As soon as I saw the D&D starting...

...I walked out on him. It was a little more complicated than that. His D&D was identical to what my xH did to me just months after we were married...declared that he didn't think he loved me and was going to leave me. He ended up staying with me (I should have ended it then) but things were never the same. We were married 28 years. The D&D my xN pulled on me was EXACTLY the same and the memories and emotions of what my xH did to me came flooding back and overwhelmed me. My xN knew about the incident with my xH but refused to see the connection and the effect it had on me emotionally. xN also had already been talking about (and seeing) another woman. I ran away to the beach. xN said he would come and meet me there but then changed his mind and said he would not come because he "made other plans" with his other "friends" (including OW). That weekend, I drank way too much and OD'd on some pills, I was in that bad of shape. A friend came to the beach and, basically, saved my life. (He had just lost his own fiance to a long-time illness.) But what does my xN focus on? He claims I "ran away to the beach with a man when all he asked for was my time and patience" until he could decide what he "wanted" (i.e. WHO he wanted). He was absolved of all his own wrong doing....of having an OW waiting in the wings, of not coming to the beach to be with me so he could be with her, it was all MY fault. We had know each other 8 years and had been friends - then more - for four of those years. If he didn't know what he wanted by then, he knew he didn't want me. But it was all MY fault. None of it was his fault. God, how I despise that man! Sick doesn't even begin to describe him.
Jun 18 - 7AM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I don't think it really matters

who "dumps" who. In the end it will always be made to appear they dumped you. When I left the N's house on my own free will after complete boredom and him being totally boring on purpose, he made a point to come out to my car before I pulled away and say he felt bad for kicking me out. Two minutes down the road I get a call where he once again had to say he felt bad for kicking me out. Whatever!
Jun 17 - 4PM
Kitty02 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Well done from walking away

Well done from walking away Geri :-)) I dumped narc #1 ( had two of them, narc #2 was emotionally not physically violent ) and he is a really violent man. He would call me everyday after the split and sometimes just listened to my voice and wouldn't talk and I could hear him calmly breathing down the phone. He done the 'accidental' call thing on me. I had to used every ounce of my wits and strength to get away from him. I was only living with him for 9 months but it was the most surreal and frightening experience. Then done everything he could to turn it round on me and make it look like it was my fault, raged at me and threatened me (then I was terrified of him now I would just simple call the police)and even tried to control who spoke to me where mutual friends where concerned. I am a really strong person but it wasn't easy getting away from him. Some months later and after he had secured new supply, which he probably had anyway before I left him, he sent me and my youngest son Christmas card saying the most wonderful things to us and enclosing money for my son(hoovering)he has tried to stay in my life for years on the pretence of wanting to be my best friend. I have now, thanks to my new found knowledge of PDman and how to deal with them, hopefully got rid of him for good but am sure at some point he will try to pop up again. Believe me when I tell you to stay NC and get him out of you life for good because if my narc #1 is anything to go by(and they are carbon copy)he will file you away in his 'for the future' file because if you let them get away with it they will come back to squeeze even the smallest drop of supply out of you even years later when you are indifferent and you think it won't matter to talk to them. A leopard doesn't change his spots only camouflages them.
Jun 17 - 3PM
Lil.Ms.Sunshine
Lil.Ms.Sunshine's picture

now, I'M feeling like the one who's a Narc...

now, I'M feeling like the one who's a Narc...Why? bc I want to hurt his ego; bc I received an email from him a month ago and showed to an old friend. She said, "Ooooh, it sounds like he really knows how badly he treated you." She has no education on Sociopaths & Narcs, but I must've bought into it, bc I wanted to hurt him back sooooo badly! I mean, he sent me a one-sentence email in February saying "I still miss you!" and a request to chat on Yahoo Messenger this April. Both, I'm proud to say I ignored. But, when my friend said that, I wanted to text him anonymously from Skype with snarky insulting emails about how unaccomplished he is & how he should just end his life cuz no one will even care if he's gone. My hate & anger for him is back. I want him to feel like sh## the way he made me feel. I dumped him 3 times. The 3rd & final time, August 2010, he insisted on leaving stuff @ my place. So, he emailed me accusing me of 'trying to keep a line of communication open' (projection.) So, I told him he could pick up his stuff at my lawyer's office. ;) Thank gawd I'm reading this! Please tell me I'm correct in thinking that if I text him, it'll give him supply & feel proud he upset me with his games; just like Bentley was so smug when he hurt Ashley (Bachelorette) and lied to his roomies.
Jun 17 - 1PM
FINALLYFREE2BME
FINALLYFREE2BME's picture

My $.02 based on my experience

I dumped mine just as he was putting me on the top shelf to look for new supply. He hadn't found it yet so he paniced and, when I wouldn't take him back, he went back to his "fall back girl" of 13 years until he could find new supply. They *ALWAYS* need someone. It didn't matter that I dumped HIM. He told everyone he dumped me anyways because I was crazy. It made him meaner and he slandered me ruthlessly. (I've since been vindicated, but that's another topic...) My thoughts on your situation is that he's lurking to see if there's a way to come back while he's searching for new supply. I'm guessing that once he finds it, there won't be any more "accidental" contacts until the D/D process starts with that one. Just my $.02...... P.S. You sound so strong and done with it all! Go GRRL!!!
Jun 17 - 12PM
wacaet
wacaet's picture

so far his only response was

so far his only response was a threatening email when I sent him one telling him how sick he is from a fake email account I made up hellhasnofury, he had to get the internet theft center to trace it, I guess so many women think he's sick he wasn't sure which of us sent it? Anyway he said "be careful, if I can find you out anyone can" which left me scratching my head. And then a threatening text about how his wife took the kids from him after she got my email with all the evidence from his email about his cheating. He said hell has no fury as a man torn from his kids and that it was MY fault he was losing his kids and he would get his revenge "in this life or the next" After that my husband called him and told him to leave me alone or else there has been no other contact (other than a pansy ass apology text to my husband so wimpy in tone that it made his threatening text to me seem laughable. He obviously is intimidated by other men and then pushes women around. douchebag) I hope he doesn't try to come back again. (he recycled me from 22 years ago so maybe he'll wait that long again) One time when he broke a date and I forgave him (one of many times!), I asked what would you have done if I'd broken up with you over this? He said "I would have waited until I thought you'd forgiven me and then come and beg you to take me back"
Jun 19 - 1AM (Reply to #34)
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Recycled

Wow, just discovered we have something else in common besides the phone thing. Mine recycled me from 25 years ago. I left her that time and I guess she has been waiting for a quarter of a century to take her revenge. Sick. She even warned (this time around) "You should have never left me all those years ago" sick mindF@$%!
Jun 19 - 1AM (Reply to #35)
dudette
dudette's picture

35 years

Mine waited to recycle his first GF....
Jun 19 - 1AM (Reply to #33)
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

oops my bad

didnt mean to post twice
Jun 17 - 3PM (Reply to #31)
2heal
2heal's picture

Fake e-mail

Anyone know how this works ??I thought you could make a fake email account send your emails and then shut it down. It wont be anonymous if they can find out who sent it. I was going to use the concept to send emails to all the ladies he is frauding, the new supply he has lined up and the Major Supply who is torn because she is now on the self. Wacaet: You are one STRONG woman...one who knows her value. These Narcs always hope that we dont say what we mean...UNTIL ONE DAY !!!! Good job with the dumping of a complete mindf@%ker. Wishing you much happiness in your path forward :)
Jun 17 - 9PM (Reply to #32)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

that's pretty much what I did

that's pretty much what I did but I made the mistake of not using a proxy server and he used the internet fraud center to trace it, told them I was an identity thief and traced the hellhasnofury one to my job's ip address(woops!) the one I used to email his wife he couldn't trace he told OW that I used her email address to set it up, which was a lie...I guess he was trying to get her pissed at me so we wouldn't compare notes, it was too late by that point, we'd already talked enough but, knowing what I know now about N's, I wish I hadn't sent any of it...well, I still would have emailed OW because her email to him that night made me so sad, she said she knew he didn't love her and needed to hear him say it. I thought if that were me, I would want her to email me. She was grateful to me for "breaking the spell"
Jun 17 - 1PM (Reply to #29)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Waceat your post made me laugh

these A holes are so upside down and inside out they are freaks. That is some screwed up stuff that you just described. Hilarious when you see the reasoning. Havent tried the fake email thing yet. I should send mine one in italian saying his penis is short bent and rotten and im so sad to hear he will now be infecting half of America. Hell hath no fury like a burst narc They should know, they came from hell and will be going straight back there. So he's gonna get you in the next life . So he really thinks he is GOD almighty, great!!!
Jun 17 - 1PM (Reply to #30)
wacaet
wacaet's picture

on the fake email front, that

on the fake email front, that was before I found this place I won't do it again, as it just gave him more supply he's a very sick & twisted guy but it's comical (with time and distance and perspective, at the time it almost killed me)
Jun 17 - 12PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Mine was more a "silent"

Mine was more a "silent" dump, as it were, and more of a friend-dump since any kind of other relationship was long out of the window. I'd been trying to maintain a friendship with him and was getting more and more angry as I realised he was just playing his old games. In the end I went NC, not long after a bit of D&D from him. He didn't even notice I had for a few months because he was blanking me as punishment when I dared to stand up to the D&D. After that I got 5 months of frantic hoovering, and only now has he FINALLY shut up and apparently given up. It's the same as any narc behaviour - if you want to be with them, they'll push you away. Tell them to get lost and they'll crawl on their bellies through broken glass to pull you back.
Jun 17 - 11AM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

In my case, I guess it was

In my case, I guess it was somewhat of a "mutual dump". He came home from cheating on me, told me he didn't love me anymore, and that he didn't want to "do this" any longer (meaning be married to me). So I guess you'd have say that he D&D'd first. However, in the next sentence after he did this, xnh had all of the unmitigated gall to ask me how long he could stay in the house with me. I told him until he packed his duffel bag (15 minutes max), and I threw his ass out the front door. I promptly then went NC, and I have refused to have absolutely nothing to do with him since. This all happened a year ago. Xnh has harassed me at work the entire time, used mutual friends to gather information about me, and has made an overall huge ruckus because I will not have anything to do with him, and "he just doesn't see WHY we can't be friends". Let's see...because he cheated on me, abused me, and dumped me? rofl. With "friends like xnh, who needs enemas (oops, I mean enemies). Even though xnh technically was the one that dumped me, it seems to drive him absolutely insane that *I* threw him out of the house (like he tells other people) "for no reason". lol. He's remained pissed so far that he is NOT is control any longer. It annoys the crap out of him that he wasn't done mooching supply off me completely, and *I* chucked him out the front door before HE was done. I have absolutely NO doubt that xnh would dearly LOVE to suck me back into his realm so that HE could finish the job of dumping "properly" in a way that is extremely hurtful and completely under HIS control. Therefore, I suspect that xnh will hold a grudge because (like my sister said) I just didn't behave appropriately for xnh. I guess he'd just better get used to holding that grudge against me because I will NEVER let him get the opportunity to hurt me again. My NC with him is permanent for the rest of my life. Xnh is in for LONG wait. I think he'd better go find some other supply. This one has dried up. :)

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jun 17 - 12PM (Reply to #26)
Gerri
Gerri's picture

Mystwoman

Exactly how I feel - my supply is drier than the Sahara dessert. No one bit of precipitation to be found here. You sound like you've been immensely strong. That's awesome xxx
Jun 17 - 11AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It's hard to say....

I can only share my experience... Narcs from what I've read, generally make it a point to have "supply" in the wings so he may have moved on already they do that really quickly but they also recycle so they play the role just to keep you in their back pocket. They say a Narc never really lets go of "supply" which is why it's up to us to set the limits and boundaries. Narcissists do not attach and cannot love, therefore it is important we understand that regardless of how wonderful a performance they give on the "heartbreak" front, they really have no real feelings for us, it's just an act out of desperation to make sure they don't feel abandoned. If the Narc was unable to secure supply, then this deep dark void takes over - they always have it but it is tamed when they are latched on to someone as they are living through the other person's identity. They mirror us. So if he was caught of guard and did not obtain additional supply he may be going through a very major depressed mood, feeling very dark, and empty. AGAIN, this is not about missing us - but more of the void consuming HIM. He has no real identity so he does feel in a sense VERY LOST... However, they are chaemeleons, are very charming and work very fast. In my case, the guy went from a very dark empty period to moving a woman into his apartment within a month. If that gives you some indication. You did the right thing, do not fall for his game as he will continue to abuse you. They don't change even if they claim to change...they can put up an act for a time but the reality is they are at this point according to the professionals incurable. Hugs!
Jun 17 - 11AM (Reply to #22)
Gerri
Gerri's picture

Hey Michelle

Thanks hun - for your pearls of wisdom :-) By meaning new supply can this mean anything? He has a new business venture coming up at Glastonbury Festival UK next week - I know he only does it for the prestige and beacuse it makes him look good - hanging with the celebs blah blah. I saw right through his bull shit. He's sit on his play station all night and when his soon to be boss rang up he was like ' yeah Ive been doing this ... and doing that' . So - New supply doesn't necessarily have to be another woman? Just something to give him a sense of entitlement? xx
Jun 17 - 1PM (Reply to #24)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes Gerri

I agree...Narcs compartmentalize...they have various needs for their "image" and "physical" comforts. Narcs secure "objects" to fill those needs. But very gently, I feel the need to agree with Fooled No Longer...sex is a very important need, one that I don't think Narcs can LIVE without.
Jun 17 - 1PM (Reply to #23)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

dont comfort yourself thats

dont comfort yourself thats its not necessarlily another woman, there are always women, its their drug of choice. It may not be what you would class as a dating or relationship woman, but they are just looking for a warm hole. that commodity is available everwhere, and they prefer it to come free but if forced thay will pay for it.. look at it this way, you need to breathe to survive right? well Narcs need to fuck people over to survive. It is what it is. Expect to be blamed for every mess he makes, those are the rules of engagement with a narc.
Jun 17 - 10AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

shit when I read these I get

shit when I read these I get a huge message that it is always the same with these POS they all do the same shit, every single thing you just described was done to me too.... Hell they are so unoriginal and spineless. Fuck.
Jun 17 - 1PM (Reply to #18)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Fooled...

I love that you're getting it out!...I agree with every point you've made. Hugs!
Jun 17 - 1PM (Reply to #19)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

michele115

Yeah Im learning... I am getting it out... like you spit our poison. I see a new tactic every week, but they all come from the same lame-ass place. You will always be cleaning up and explaining his mess, even after he has left. Rules of engagement with a Narc
Jun 18 - 8AM (Reply to #20)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

snake bite

when a snake bites you the venom begins to move in your veins you have to suck the venom out as best you can immediately even if you do it well you will still loose half your arm or leg because the poison is so toxic just like snakes ---Narcs can be extremely damaging
Jun 17 - 11AM (Reply to #17)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Same guy different body!

Same guy different body!
Jun 17 - 10AM
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Gerri

I too did the dumping! Feels great doesn't it? :) First of all he's in shock that he's such an amazing person and you had the balls of steel to tell him you no longer love him etc. etc. etc. It was either you do it or he would have (he was planning it, but was looking for replacement in the meantime- until he found some he would have not dd-ed you) He will be bitter yes! For sure, but it doesnt take much for them to forget because they lack feelings! But once he thinks you're over it, he'll be back, he'll try to suck you in so he can DD you! The bitter may or may not "stay in his mind" he'll bad mouth you whether you left him or he left you. After all WE are the crazy ones, not them. He will look for new supply. He doesn't know the meaning of Grudge. When that new supply shorts out he'll be back... Could take days, months, years. I read a post on here a while back- the persons narc came back AFTER 25 years NC. He'll say stuff no matter what! I'm glad you're so strong! It's amazing! And its eye opening!!! GOOD JOB! STAY STRONG!!!
Jun 17 - 9AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Mine is silent, which is fine

Mine is silent, which is fine with me! He thinks he's punishing me. At first it was hard but after seeing the stories about hoovering, silence equals peace! Depending on their supply is how they will react! This needs to be about you now, remember you are dealing with " scrambled Eggs" to try and figure out the mind of insanity is a waste of time! They cause mass destruction in our lives and once you deceide to re bulid your life it's best to clear the wreckage and start discovering who you are! To the dumps with the narc! Hunter
Jun 17 - 6AM
dolphingirl
dolphingirl's picture

They do not let go

I dumped my Narc twice, the first time, I should say after going back and forth for years, I had no contact with him for ten years. He would show up where he knew I would be, try to engage my friends, even joined the gym where I worked out, eventually he moved on or so I thought...yes, ten years later, after my father died I heard from him again, he was kind, apologetic, said he learned so much from the break up....etc, all bs, it was all a game for him, his only reason for getting back at me was to win, to punish me and he tried and tried to do it, fortunately, I found this site and got wise to what was going on, of couse I still was subjected to his lies, abuse and brainwashing mind games for several months. And I found out that this time around I was the OW. They live for revenge and to win
Jun 17 - 5AM
badjer
badjer's picture

..and yes. The worse their

..and yes. The worse their conduct gets, the more likely it is they will bring about the payoff they expect (to be abandoned) so they build up to it so they can get in there first. My ex's mindset, I am sure, was "if anybody is going to do the dumping, it will be me." So when they are dumped - WOE BETIDE YOU. They will be out for revenge - simple as. xx
Jun 17 - 5AM
badjer
badjer's picture

I dumped my Narc and he

I dumped my Narc and he sulked for 5 months. kept totally silent except when I de-facebooked him in the new year (2 months after the break-up and a day after his birthday). His opening gambit was "there is still some of your stuff in my flat yadda yadda yadda...." This silly to-ing and fro-ing kept up until I (panicked I had pushed him too far and might lose the chance EVER AGAIN to reconcile with him) asked him to meet up. We reconciled. Bad plan. He was as effusive and sweet as you can imagine a narc to be (to a point - he still threw in some stingers) but expected me to be all gooey and as I was before. I wasn't. I held off texting or emailing and made him do the work. It was being a limp addicted fool before that had led me to being used and treated like shit in the first place. So after date 2, where he was primed to dump me ("if you're telling me it's now or never, it's never. I need more time. The break-up hurt. I can't go through that pain again.." etc etc etc). Then 11 days after that and barely no contact, he dumped me by a rather cold and smug voicemail. My mother's and BFF's take on it? "He got burned. he got his toes wet. And he was going to PUNISH you for doing that to him." They both warned me beforehand that his ego took a battering when I walked and with people like that, they dream about getting you back just so they can even the score. And even it he did. DO NOT GO BACK. DO NOT ENGAGE. IT IS THE ONLY SAFE OPTION TO PROTECT YOUR HEART - HE IS OUT TO HURT. XXXX