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When will this feeling end?

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#1 Mar 4 - 12PM
Steph
Steph's picture

When will this feeling end?

Is normal to have a huge relapse after a year has passed?

I had been doing so well. Screwed up a few months ago, then got back on track, and now I’m screwed up again. What is going on with me?

I am so angry. I am so angry at him. I feel like he shit on me so many times and walked away and I was left with all the baggage.

So last night I did the really brainy act of having one too many drinks, and then I contacted him. I have no idea what I thought I would accomplish. I have always been proud that I’ve never been a drunk dialler, now I messed that up for myself too.

A few months ago, we stopped being “friends” because he acted like a child when I didn’t respond to a text. I got so mad and told him he was immature and I hated him.

I brought that up and his response was that he apologized and he’s not talking about it anymore. It’s in the past.

Which is true. But when we were together, that’s how it always was. We talked when HE wanted to and everything was always "in the past".

Last night, I told him that that’s why our relationship never worked, because he twists things and blames me for everything. And if he does admit wrong doing, there is no discussion of it. It’s “in the past”.

I don’t drink often. But when I do, I usually feel guilty because I end up saying whatever is on my mind.
He knows this about me - that I feel a lot of guilt.

Last night he says, are you drunk “again”. As if I do it so frequently. i don't.

I feel so stupid and ashamed of myself. I told him last night that he is a selfish self absorbed prick, abusive, and that he takes his issues about his mother out on every woman.

I got on a roll and couldn’t stop myself.

He told me we broke up a long time ago and its time for me to move on and that I have issues and I should deal with them and it’s in the past and to never contact him again.

The shitty thing is, he is right.

And I managed to make myself look like the nut job he thinks I am.

I just want so bad for him to feel some remorse. Anything. Acknowledge that he was wrong. I know that’s like asking for the moon.

He was over everything right after we broke up and I STILL am dealing with it.

Now not only am I still angry, I feel so pathetic for contacting him and telling him off. I look like a screwball and feel like one too.

Mar 5 - 1AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

"i told him last night that

"i told him last night that he was a selfish , self absorbed prick, abusive and that he takes his issues about his mother on all women " yep thats about right .This is truth and youre oppinioun right , he then says "youre wrong about me and you have the issues" and now you are thinking maybe he is right and you are wrong ..Arrggggg the expert manipulator strikes again !Not that he is ever going to admit to being a wanker , he proberly wont even admit to god when he finaly meets his maker he will say"please god could i come in to heaven " and god will say "actualy narc you havent been good enough" and narc will say "well god .. i think you have some issues "..HA !.. I found a gem of a vidio on you tube serch for "labyrinth of the psycopath" its this sweet irish man with such a soft mannor about him doing a series of vidios about psycopaths ,get a cup of tea and let him tell you about what he knows .I wont post the link as im not sure where we stand with that stuff . but really do watch it he helped me turn a corner . Big love and be kind to youre self . xx
Mar 5 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
Steph
Steph's picture

Thanks Scoop:) I watched the

Thanks Scoop:) I watched the videos and found them very helpful:)
Mar 4 - 8PM
AquariusGal
AquariusGal's picture

feel good

Well dont be sad. You know replase took place becos that what you really wanted all along isnt it, at least sub consciously. We just tried to be strong but internally we wanted something esles. If that's what ya wanna do, call him, text him anything. I dont see why you gona be sad over it, cos at that point of time that was what ya really wanted isnt it? My point is, you release you long build-up desire into actions, dont you feel good and better? It's feels horrible to have all things tuck up inside us. I feel we should just do anything to feel smooth. You done it, you let go some exhuasted toxic gas too, i find it healthy (: Life is too short to feel scaffocated right? NC should be just a guildline, as long you are safe from it and you feels good, i dont see why not. Just make it a point you set your limits, once in a while doesnt mean you lost ego or pride. Who knows he will be reel back and got crashed again? :P ps: thou i'm trying to cheer you, but i mean when you feel you wanna let go some gas, feel free to contact him. life is too short to do restriction. i am going through life's shit as well...
Mar 4 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Steph
Steph's picture

Hi and thanks for taking the

Hi and thanks for taking the time to write:) I will not be contacting him again. There is nothing more for me to say to him so any further contact on my part would be absurd. and harrassment too. I definately would not recommend breaking No Contact. I've done it and can't change it so I am just trying to look on the bright side. I let it all out and now I have to let it all go.
Mar 4 - 1PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

stayingstrong

you are a smart woman,Did you really think you could be friends still with the NARC, rule #1 NO, No, No I am 2 years out and contacted him early this fall by letter and got back some more hateful letters and that sealed the deal for me, espically since he has cancer and could not have the decency of a human to thank me for my card. You will have to go no contact and never see/call/text him again, I know a bitter pill to swallow but it is YOUR LIFE at stake, he is HOPELESS.there is NOTHING wrong with you, we all have relapses, it is like climbing a mountain where once and a while you start slipping back and just keep on going up..
Mar 4 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
Steph
Steph's picture

Thank you so much. I'm

Thank you so much. I'm heading back up the mountain again. Eventually, I'll get there:)
Mar 4 - 1PM
ally2375
ally2375's picture

staying strong

Oh, my... Vodka and telephones are a bad combo, huh?! Lighten up on yourself. You are neither a screwball or a nut job. Was it the best move? Meh, maybe not. But, clearly you had some pent up hostility toward the guy that was still festering. Can you stop kicking yourself long enough to be glad that you finally released it? It has to be at least a LITTLE cathartic to have let him have it. :) So, now you go back to NC. Maybe this little lapse what was needed for you to let go. It is so, so hard that these guys just don't feel remorse, I know. The good news is, eventually you won't care WHAT he feels (or doesn't.) You might want to think about deleting his number from your phone. I cried about a bucket when I did that, but it was freeing, too. It removes temptation and makes your phone feel like yours again, rather than his personal paging device. At least it did for me.
Mar 4 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Steph
Steph's picture

You've helped lots with your

You've helped lots with your comment and I cant thank you enough. I was pretty hard on myself. Today, i did alot of thinking and I guess that during this whole recovery process, my anger that I had bottled up was the last thing I needed to deal with. I mean, I had felt the anger before.....but mostly I was consumed with self doubt and self blame etc. Now that I have worked through the whole blaming myself phase, I guess the anger really, and I mean really took over me. I have never been "allowed" to express anger. It's always twisted back onto me. Not the best idea to call him up, but I did. And ya know what? I am glad that I finally released it all. ok. I forgive myself now. Thank you again:)