When / how does the pain stop?

Today, I was given papers to get my motorized wheelchair, adapted van, and handicap plates. 2 months ago, I was an active, strong woman and today, I’m virtually a quadriplegic. I peck at my keyboard with sticks strapped to my hands. It is no longer practical for me to try to “walk”. It consumes too much of my already limited energy. I was hoping not to get this news but I have been preparing for today. I’ve been learning new ways to do everyday things. I am ready.

2 months ago was also the last D&D after a rough 7 month relationship. I guess because I was D&D’ed a number of times, each time more cruel than the last, hating him and falling out of love was the easy part. I don’t long for a reunion with ex-N. Somehow, I can conceptualize and accept that a N can’t love, doesn’t have empathy, can’t have meaningful relationships, and can’t change. And in 2 months, I have been able to come to terms with becoming wheelchair-bound. I am oddly at peace with the rapid loss of the use of my arms and legs. But I am hurting so badly over what happened in those 7 months. I can’t even put into words what exactly hurts me the most but I feel like part of my soul died. I can now see exN for who and what he is but I am still heartbroken. I am angry and ashamed that I allowed myself to stay in the situation for as long as I did. Instead of mourning the loss of my life as a normal able-bodied person and thinking about what I need to do with my life going forward, I am consumed with pain from 7 months spent with a person who doesn’t even deserve this kind of attention. I still have nightmares about the chaos and the day I realized that he made a conscious decision which could have caused me to die. I know N's don't have empathy and although his action was consistent with his disorder, I still find it so heinous and can't come to grips with it.

What am I doing wrong that I can’t move past the pain? It seems absurd that I can be OK with being a quadriplegic and yet be an absolute wreck about this. I am reading, reading, and reading! I see a counselor. I have supportive friends and family and a sweet child that keeps me busy. Unfortunately, I can’t do NC because we work in the same field and our paths cross (although I swear, I think he’s stalking me because we shouldn’t be crossing paths so much!). The conversations I have with him are about our clients only and whenever he starts his sweet talk and hoover, I walk away. Some days are better than others but overall, it still sucks.