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What's wrong with this reasoning?

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#1 Dec 19 - 7PM
peaches
peaches's picture

What's wrong with this reasoning?

I feel crappy without him and most of the time I felt crappy with him, but at least we had some laughs and I wasn't lonely. I could talk him out of being mad at me for the fb fiasco and we could have a romantic reunion. I have been acting as if I am ok, but I feel lonely and sad. Breaking old patterns is so hard. I need some encouragement from you strong, brave survivors.

Dec 20 - 1PM
peaches
peaches's picture

everything

I got through that bout of self-pity. Thanks friends! Addict thinking was kicking in over Christmas triggers. He is an abusive, looser, no-good bastard with violent tendencies.I don't want to spend one more minute with that kind of crap. He physically scares me!! I don't want to be around him. Crazy thinking yesterday! Today I am journaling and doing some cleansing work with sage my friend gave me. I've never done that before but, What the heck! It can't hurt.I will do anything to get through this. I may head to the animal shelter and check out whose available for adoption!! I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of the suggestions I get here from you wise people. I don't know how to do this stuff, but I'm learning from you. Have a great day!
Dec 20 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
into the light
into the light's picture

Stay with it! Burning

Stay with it! Burning cleansing sage is a good idea. Also try holding a rose quartz crystal for healing when you feel bad. The lists of bad things are a must. I also did some drawings of him from memory - I exaggerated the baldness, the fat, etc. And remembered how he used to think he was so irresistible! Five months out soon. The hold he had on me is now SO much weaker, and when I think back over some of his WEIRD, selfish behaviours I'm glad I am not associated with him. He was so embarrassing at times in company - the bragging, the false promises, etc. Let someone else deal with his grandiosity and mother-enmeshment this Christmas. Such a specimen - not properly human, really.
Dec 19 - 10PM
Winter
Winter's picture

Peaches

I can tell you what I believe to be wrong with this reasoning. It only applies to the short term "emotional benefits". Your life is longer than that and in the long run, this will not bring you the true hapiness. That is what you need to be focused on. Always look in the long term benefits. Consider this temporary pain being your investment. When in doubt, ask yourself what are you doing here, on this forum. If you landed here, it is because this relationship is very toxic for you. It is not like it just a little bit ennoying and you could handle it... It is much more than that. it is destructive for you, for your personnality, for your woman essence. What you are going through is normal. It is the addiction breaking. Do you smoke? I do. If you don't, then you would most likely think "how come she is her worst ennemy?" Because This was exactly my thinking when I gave up smoking: "at least I had some moments of a real pleasure..." See, what this reasoning sounds like? Hope this could help you. BTW, I intent to stop smoking, just not now, one thing at a time :) Love Winter
Dec 19 - 8PM
a65703
a65703's picture

Follow through your

Follow through your reasoning, trace back your relationship history with this guy, remember everything he did that hurt you and everything he didn't do that hurt you. And you will come to the conclusion that not being with him anymore is a blessing.. and each day that passes with NC, you will see clearer and clearer. For the first time in two months, a couple of days ago I looked back on a fond "happy" moment of when I was with my N Ex and I was surprised.... it felt sort of warm but then I remembered everything else. The bad (99%) of the relationship always outweighs the good (1%). Even though I am still angry and still "thinking" about him and things, I am no longer sad. I've accepted what was, is and will be. Recovery is personal and like nothing you will expect, but we are all survivors. Stay close to this board, and even if you relapse or whatnot, one day you will truly realize it is a gift that this N is no longer in your life. You are better than him because you are real. He is fake, emotionally immature, out of touch with reality..... like a robot.
Dec 19 - 8PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Get a Dog.. They don't talk

Get a Dog.. They don't talk back or cause drama.. All you do is rub their belly, give them a Cookie then they love you forever ..Unconditionally.. In fact I have better conversations with my dog, more than I ever did with Narc.. It even appears my puppy is listening.. Yup, a Dog, true love indeed.. Hunter
Dec 19 - 7PM
Laughs Last (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I miss him too

Um, mine that is, not yours (let's assume they're not the same). I'm sad, we spoke every day for over 2 years, I wrapped my thoughts around him constantly, all I had to look forward to was when I would see him. This sucks - its going to take me a long time to get a new life and feel happy. I guess I'm not making you feel better, except to say we're all right there with you kid. Maybe just try & get some endorphins from exercise, watch hilarious movies, read very funny books (try the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich- hysterical) and perform random acts of kindness for others. Today I walked down the block to my therapists' office w extra quarters & filled that expired meters - small gestures are fine. Give it a shot & let us know how you make out. Hugs
Dec 19 - 7PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The answer lies

in many threads and posts that have been made here. Challenge yourself to try to find one in which the member says things went well and that they were glad they did it. I think you will come up empty handed. (Actually, I know it.) Take pride in the fact that you have a tremendous amount of self control to see your way through this incredibly difficult period= It speaks volumes about you!
Dec 19 - 7PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Ah...the "I can handle it

Ah...the "I can handle it even though he is treating me like an object" excuse. That's exactly the same logic I used when I went back for round 2 and round 3 with Mr. N. I used to say that my life wouldn't change with our without Mr. N, but with Mr. N I would at least have some occational perverse text messages and I would get a 15 minute liason every month or so. The thing that I wasn't counting on however is how demoralizing that was to my soul. Although I used to tell myself that I could go out with anyone I wanted to and end it with Mr. N at any time, the reality of the situation was that while I was with Mr. N, I didn't consider a single other guy and as much as I thought I could end it....I couldn't. We tell ourselves that we are ok with something (even if it is slowly destroying us) rather than face being on our own. I would argue that being on your own is a FAR better option then having to walk on eggshells and try to cater to a disordered man who is probably seeing several other women. Yes..I had some good sex...but then he would 1. go to sleep 2. get up and get dressed or 3. go play on my computer. There was no intimacy. And even when the times were great..I was always left feeling like things weren't as great as I wanted them to be....they were always a bit "off". Honestly, if I could spare you from going through another day/week/month/year of being with a disordered man in order to avoid being lonely, I would do it. There is nothing more lonely then the questions within your own head because you continue to entertain a disordered one.
Dec 19 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
2heal
2heal's picture

WE CAN"T HANDLE IT

OMG....such a great post TNR.I thought I could handle it.This is how it all started for me. I was 6 months NC. I was so proud of myself. This post resonated with me tonight as I went back to see him when he hoovered over the weekend because I was soooo certain "i was done" "i am over it" "I will play him" "he can see my growth" "he can see how great I look" blah, blah, blah. I WAS CERTAIN I COULD HANDLE IT NOw.....I KNEW SO MUCH AND HAD LEARNED SO MUCH !!! What was suppose to be lunch turned into dinner and breakfast the next day. (I KNOW, I KNOW so stupid of me)but I talked myself into "I CAN HANDLE THIS, I WILL LEAVE AFTER LUNCH". We had a great time, good conversation. We were somewhat intimate (he of course said everything I wanted to hear to get me to have sex, but I knew the game...that was not going to happen. Everything was fine(i thought) I didn't cave into having sex so I left feeling not so bad. I just wanted to see him and have some control over the course of events. I knew I wouldn't be seeing him for a long while even though he talked about a relationship, how he loves me and we be together when GOD determined the right time (BARF) etc.... (LIES,LIES). I was playing the role. Didn't believe a word he said. It was nice knowing what I knew and felt some control. Needless to say, going back home I seemed a little tired,I slept at 7:00 p.m. The next day I was consumed with the conversations we had had, with whether he meant what he said, he may be able to change since he said he is in therapy. He talked about awareness, how he knew the changes he had to make..(you know the script) The following day, I had a hard time waking up, the day was slowly slipping away, I could not accomplish anything. I tried to shake it off but knew what was going on with me. I now wanted to call him. I began planning the next time I would see him. How I would handle it.....OMG, I can't recognize myself as I am writing this out. What I am concerned about is, this is obviously not over for me. What I thought I could handle, I COULD'T. What is this feeling of over confidence ? Why do I feel that if he saw me, he would drool and wish he had me and he doesn't. The reality is I became NS supply for him. It is what he needed when he contacted me after 6 months. Primary source was out of town, no one else was available and I serviced his need to have someone and not be alone. The whole time I convinced myself that I had the upper hand. I could handle it. Please tell me that this is normal....I feel like I should go back to therapy because I have not shaken this guy off completely. So, I CAN'T Handle it !!...... is the TRUTH. I think subconsciously I was waiting for him to contact me so I can show him, but many of you have advised that this is not a game. It is time for the final step which has been so difficult for me..... is to delete his number and block him for good. Pleas tell me that will be the end of it. He has no FB no E-mail access. He just knows where I live. For all of you in recovery, You cannot handle it, please don't try. They are so good at what they do, you walk away thinking you have won, when you have actually lost again. I lost 2 whole beautiful days in zombie mode. Risked getting caught and loosing the trust of my loved ones which I worked so hard to gain back. What a price to pay. DAY ONE N/C......thanks for being here you guys !! You just don't know where to turn on a day like this.
Dec 19 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Hey 2Heal...I'm glad my post

Hey 2Heal...I'm glad my post resonated with you...but I am so sorry you lost 2 days being drained after your encounter with the narc. That is why I am always on my guard, I know that I can't ever see/speak to/text with Mr. N again or I'll get sucked into the vortex again. I think it is only natural to want to give Narcs back some of their medicine...to get the upper hand so to speak. The problem is that Narcs don't like losing ever and being in their presence tends to tear open wounds that are still healing. I am glad that you blocked him and removed him in every place you could. Just continue to move forward with NC and definately go see your therapist again because there are always feelings that need to be processed after a Narc encounter. HUGS.