Whats up with Erectile Dysfunction

What's up with ED? Nothing from the waist down, apparently!!

I had a sudden flash today about Narcs and sex, and I really think we`ve overlooked something. What suddenly clicked with me was that, just as they psychically "suss" us at the start to find out what we want, so they can magically "be it" to get us well and truly hooked, so they continue to "psychically suss us" after they D&D us to find out what we want, so they can REFUSE to give it to us in order to demonstrate to us our total unworthiness. I think narcs who are together with women who have less sex drive will be very sexy and permanently horny, whereas narcs who are together with women who enjoy sex and want a lot of it will tend to suffer from PD or premature ejaculation (passive-aggressive ways of saying, "I will not give"). Both types revert to porn as a way of increasing our feeling of being (a) undesirable, (b) unworthy of their (naturally) Godlike sexual prowess and (c) inadequate in every which way. I don`t think it has anything to do with sex as we see it. I think sex for narcs is just more power and ego-gratification. I think a narc can turn on a dime and switch in a second between sex-addict and totally impotent nerd, depending on (a) where he is in his idealization/devaluation cycle and (b) whether he`s with a woman who likes a lot of sex, or one who is less sexually inclined. So at the start, he gives you what you want (a lot of sex, or more restrained) and later he gives you the opposite of what you want (withholding and porn, or always hot and porn). I don`t believe it has anything to do with desire or intimacy with them. I think it`s just image and power. I honestly believe they can switch it on or off at will, like they do everything else. I think they have little measuring systems behind their balls that go "do I get more out of giving or out of withholding?". God knows how these complicated narc equations function - I don`t and I`ve given up trying to figure them out. But I think, if the equation comes out that they have more to win if they`re a fantastic lay, then they`re a fantastic lay. And if the equation comes out that they stand to gain more if they PD, then they PD. Yup, the disorder has even their genitals in grip. Sorry to be so dour, but life goes on ladies! Love Tigerlily

I had a sudden flash today about Narcs and sex, and I really think we`ve overlooked something. What suddenly clicked with me was that, just as they psychically "suss" us at the start to find out what we want, so they can magically "be it" to get us well and truly hooked, so they continue to "psychically suss us" after they D&D us to find out what we want, so they can REFUSE to give it to us in order to demonstrate to us our total unworthiness. I think narcs who are together with women who have less sex drive will be very sexy and permanently horny, whereas narcs who are together with women who enjoy sex and want a lot of it will tend to suffer from PD or premature ejaculation (passive-aggressive ways of saying, "I will not give"). Both types revert to porn as a way of increasing our feeling of being (a) undesirable, (b) unworthy of their (naturally) Godlike sexual prowess and (c) inadequate in every which way. I don`t think it has anything to do with sex as we see it. I think sex for narcs is just more power and ego-gratification. I think a narc can turn on a dime and switch in a second between sex-addict and totally impotent nerd, depending on (a) where he is in his idealization/devaluation cycle and (b) whether he`s with a woman who likes a lot of sex, or one who is less sexually inclined. So at the start, he gives you what you want (a lot of sex, or more restrained) and later he gives you the opposite of what you want (withholding and porn, or always hot and porn). I don`t believe it has anything to do with desire or intimacy with them. I think it`s just image and power. I honestly believe they can switch it on or off at will, like they do everything else. I think they have little measuring systems behind their balls that go "do I get more out of giving or out of withholding?". God knows how these complicated narc equations function - I don`t and I`ve given up trying to figure them out. But I think, if the equation comes out that they have more to win if they`re a fantastic lay, then they`re a fantastic lay. And if the equation comes out that they stand to gain more if they PD, then they PD. Yup, the disorder has even their genitals in grip. Sorry to be so dour, but life goes on ladies! Love Tigerlily

When we first got together we had fantastic sex, many times a day. Looking back I can tell you when he started with the other women because the sex wanned to the point, I would be with him onthe weekend and we wold only have sex once. A couple of weeks ago, I told him I missed the old sex life and he said, "sex isn't everything in the relationship"...knowing what I know now, he meant sex with you doesn't mantter because I am having sex with other women, thinking about the other women I am flying to Boston to have sex with, the woman in Vermont, and the ones I can line up for Illinois and Michigan. I hope it falls off.

When we first started dating he couldnt get it up and he told me it was "I scared him." I took it as a compliment. Our sex life is the only thing I am happy with, actually.

We had great sex and he was an ever ready lover boy - no problems there except it meant NOTHING and relationship never deepened after 10 years of these stupid games. He limited how much we had like he had a quota on intimacy (but maybe it was because he was cheating on me the whole time - glad I do not know).

Quite the opposite, a more-or less permanent hard on! But no foreplay, no aftermath and 3 minutes if I was lucky. 3 or four times after each other, but never more than three minutes. And then straight off to the bathroom to wash his bits. Utterly weird.

Then suddenly he couldn't complete the action without a hand job which was less than satisfactory for me. But have since discovered that he was with NS during that period. Then when we eventually got back together 3.5 years ago he had been diagnosed with testicular cancer, had the op and radiotherapy and it just wasn't on the menu unless I wanted to be treated as some kind of postitute to see if things were still working - which obviously I didn't agree to. He just wanted to test his equipment without reprecussions. So, since we were back together, it was purely platonic. But am sure he has NS now and I often wonder whether she is putting up with the same treatment. Dee x

XN blamed it on being too tired from work. Pfft, whatever! We were like rabbits for two years straight and then BAM! ED issues whenever *I* initiated sex. If he initiated it he could perform just fine. I'm guessing it's because he was in the mood when he'd initiate, but couldn't manage to work up enough interest or energy if I made the move first. The funny part is eventually he started rejecting me so much that I'd quit initiating. I knew he'd reject me and I knew he'd get limp, so what's the point in all of that? So one night I asked him why he wouldn't initiate sex anymore. He said, "Because you're the woman. You're supposed to do it." LOL It hurt then, but I can totally see the humor in it now because it's just so stupid! What an idiot.

Great thread and topic discussion. My ex narc loved loved loved all things with sex. Loved porn and masturbatoion and it didnt matter if I were laying next to him - he would wank off to porn regardless. Loved to explore and wanted sex with as many women as possible, because he thought that if a women he was not already in a relationship with wanted to have sex with him - it meant because she was attracted to him. Not like his partner who "had" to have sex with him. My ex narc would get ED and it terrified him to no end, because he honestly thought he was God's gift to women in bed. This was his exaggeration part of the narcissism. CONSTANT praise and admiration was required to keep him engaged. Fun stuff huh?

I wasted my 30s on a man who was yanking it to porn every time my back was turned. He wilts when I touch him and is fixated on pleasing me orally and it isn't very pleasing really... There is no foreplay. We never kiss during sex. We've had sex twice this year. It's October. Sex is absolutely awful with him. Bah.

It's interesting - I never really thought about this, but I had noticed that the longer my ex and I were together, the, um, harder a time he seemed to have getting, um, on point. I dismissed it because the sex was ALWAYS his idea, so I figured he wouldn't demand it if he hadn't been, um, up for it, plus once he was actually IN PLACE, suddenly he was raring to go. But now that I think about it, YEAH - it wasn't till he was IN PLACE that I felt everything, um, rise to the occasion. As for foreplay, there WAS no such thing with him - it was "pants off, get on." But it certainly hadn't taken him up until the act of GETTING ON to be ready to perform. I'd never been with a man who had performance issues before - maybe now I have? Is that was this was?

He was embarrassed about it at first but at the time I was in love. I told him it didn't matter. As time went on I realized he could not "perform" without masturbating first. I started really catching on when I bought some lube from a sex toy party and he became obsessed with it. One day I came home from work and saw that it was almost gone. I asked him about it and he said we had used it all together. No way! I had only bought it a couple of weeks earlier! The next thing I knew we had three more bottles. He had called and ordered more! I guess he figured I wouldn't be able to keep track if we had several bottles on hand. So just like an alcoholic, he was a "closet lube user". :) On a more serious note, the guy really does have some issues and I don't think the ED problems he has are for normal reasons. He told me after I left that he was masturbating up to three times a day and he seemed proud of himself! Eww. I so didn't need to know that bit of info, thank you very much. He also told me that after I "abandoned " him he would never trust another woman again. I personally think he doesn't like or trust any woman. I was a convenient warm hole when needed. I could count on my one hand the times he took to please me. I think the relationship he had with his mom ruined him for any woman.

Thanks, I started a thread on this topic wanting to know if there is a connection. Still learning so much about narcissism. Your post is interesting, my N is addicted to porn and masturbating, don't know if or how many ow there are, but it was something that happened often. Thankyou again timtam

Thanks, I started a thread on this topic wanting to know if there is a connection. Still learning so much about narcissism. Your post is interesting, my N is addicted to porn and masturbating, don't know if or how many ow there are, but it was something that happened often. Thankyou again timtam

I remember Sam Vaknin said something about this subject too, in some of his writings. It definetly has something to do with subcounciously avoiding intimacy and closure, and who knows, maybe some Oedipal conflict, connected with their mothers. Because the first person they were ever attached, the first love object, was mother. I read many of them were subjected to abuse from their mother, who knows, too much closeness, enmeshed, sexually maybe? And each time they are "in love", those feelings from infancy reappear. That is one of the reasons why they try to detach from you as much as possible maybe, one of the reasons based on their childhood wounds. Who knows, nothing makes much sense when you talk about a Narcisist anyway.