What is soft stalking?

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#1 Jan 2 - 8AM
MissM
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What is soft stalking?

I think it was Carolyn who used this term for why exCop was in a shopping area just 5 mins from my house.

What does it mean?

I must admit, a couple of times in summer, I went to HIS local retail park to see if i'd bump into him! I intended no malice, it was a need for closure and some comfort.

Jan 2 - 11AM
Carolyn
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I am a retired private

I am a retired private investigator -licensed in a western state.I specialized in stalking cases. A hard stalker is looking for intimidation, fear, and anxiety from his victim or in some extortion cases is looking for money from the victim or the victim's insurance company. Some homeowner's policies pay off for slander. So the 'stalker' starts appearing across the street from your house, at your job, in restaurants you go to etc. Eventually you get alarmed, upset, and the cops suggest a restraining order. the stalker is in league with a lawyer and they contest the order in court saying you are crazy. If the victim has no photos, evidence, and doesn't know the stalker the restraining order is denied and the stalker sues for slander. Insurance companies pay as much as $10,000 to settle slander suits. The extortion stalker is often the same gender as the victim and knows the victim. In one case in Utah the extortion stalker was a co-worker and had clipped 2 men and one woman in her company. the woman went to the DA's office they took photos, etc and the stalker lost her job, did 6 months in jail, and her lawyer accomplice was brought before the discliplinary committee of the BAR Association. The gals insurance company still paid the money! An emotional stalker has usually had some contact with the victim, ex boy friend etc, or is a nut stalking a celebrity. These are tough cases due to the compulive nature of the stalker. A soft stalker is simply curious. He has an agenda but it doesn't involve making you afraid or extortion. It might be a co-incidence that your narc was in the mall -you will find out in time. If you went to his mall it was harmless in your case as you didn't go to his house and wait for him to leave and follow him. I wonder if he was staking out your house? Suppose you didn't leave the house that day? It is curious but if it continues to happen and you don't want it then you can take an action. You have to have proof so keep a camera in your car. Photo his car, the license plate, and make sure you get something that establishes where the car was parked like a street sign or something that proves location. If you take photos make sure the prints are time stamped and date stamped. You are dealing with a trained professional and it is unlikely that someone with a tough job, working hard hours, would drive 20 miles on his day off to shop at a mall. You were not responsive but if he is still curious it will happen again. He knows if he bothers you, calls you, texts, e-mails etc he can lose his job. If he continues and you don't like his 'pussy-footing' around your turf you can always get a lawyer to send a cease and desist, no-contact letter. He will say you are crazy and he barely knows you or whatever but he will know the severe consequences if he gets caught. Internal Affairs will start watching him and other cops will start shunning him . They have quite a good ole boy system but they cut and run if the good ole boy is a nut. if you ever do have to do a letter like that the lawyer can always CC the chief of police of his department or worse the DA's office. You don't sound afraid and actually this cop/stalk thing isn't common but if it happens to anyone they should be aware that in this case the victim has a lot of power if they have documentation. A cop who denied bothering a woman cop got away with stalking her for years until someone at her station took a photo of him damaging her car. He lost his job and had to pay $40,000 in damages to his victim. She still had a lot of legal bills and it did emotional harm. The devil for stalkers is in the proof.
Jan 2 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
MissM
MissM's picture

Carolyn

Thanks Carolyn, you obviously know your stuff! I'm in the UK but I imagine the same rules and consequences apply to cops here as they do over there. I'm really battling the urge to text him to just to say 'was that you in --- the other day? You hate shopping!'. You're right when you say it's odd he would drive so far to do something so banal given he works hard shifts and has his kids on his days off. But we'll see what happens. Now I know what soft stalking is, i.e a simple curiosity with no harm intended, I feel much better. Even if it happened again, no matter what, I would never jeopardise his career just to get at him. He has two young boys he adores and he takes his parenting responsibilities seriously, he has brothers and sisters who he's close to, and a small circle of longterm friends who travel a long way to visit him and he them. If indeed his story about his ex is true, she moved her lover into their home soon after he moved out, just after he spent a fortune on a house extension and a new family car which she got to keep too in the split. So regardless of what happened between us, he is important to many people and is doing a hard job that he juggles with taking care of his kids and making a new life for him and them. I'm not excusing how he hurt me or how he chooses to lead his personal life, but I would never do anything to put his life and livelyhood in the balance. It's just the way I am. Fingers crossed he was just curious and went there on the off chance he'd see me. It's the holidays and even he might feel a bit down and out of sorts - hell, I'd been thinking about him for days before I saw him! Thanks again for explaining what stalking is and how it works.
Jan 2 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
Ellen
Ellen's picture

MissM

Hi MissM, Oh boo hoo poor him then, he that calls women bunny boilers and at the very least converses with other women and lying about it then turning it on you for questioning it. Then ignores you for a week. Yes i have just read your story. If you are on this site they you think he is a narc, that doesn't mean anything good. You sound very concerned about him and his responsible reputation and all the people who love him. He doesn't sound like a narc to me then. You are very forgiving i must say......just like i was only a few months back. Boy am i having some realisations lately and can't believe i was so concerned for his welfar...........he never gave a f**** about mine. 'If indeed his story about his ex is true, she moved her lover into their home soon after he moved out, just after he spent a fortune on a house extension and a new family car which she got to keep too in the split'.
Jan 3 - 6AM (Reply to #6)
MissM
MissM's picture

it's his kids and family

it's his kids and family that could be affected, my concern is for them and not really him. My only way to feel better is to think it could have been worse. He could have come back and lied, hoovered me in and duped me for entertainment. Or he could have called me a few more names. Instead he disappeared, what a favour in disguise!
Jan 2 - 8AM
Ellen
Ellen's picture

don't worry

Hiya, Im used to drive past the address he gave me where he was staying to see if he was there. I used to keep phoning. I guess you could see that as stalking, whatever its what he wanted to happen cos he didn't talk to me. I soon figured out his game anyway and if i did'nt do that then i would never have found out what i needed to know and the pain may have lasted longer. Don't worry that you did that you didn't have malice in you to do that just a healthy need to know what had just happened in your life.
Jan 2 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
MissM
MissM's picture

Ellen

Cheers Ellen, I feel a bit less of a tit now! I felt so daft driving to the Tesco I know he'd been to (once) to catch a glimpse of him. Needless to say I only did it twice. How I actually never ever rang him is a miracle! Hope you're well x