What Now?

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#1 Oct 15 - 9AM
helldweller
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What Now?

I am actually crying today, which I haven't done in a long time. Must be the birthday coming up. The thing I am thinking about is how he always used to say, "What now?" when he woud do something horrible and I would get upset. Like when I found out about him cheating with the woman in California, or when I found out he went to the airshow without the girls and me because he didn't want us along, or when he left us home on Christmas because he didn't want us along with his family. Totally, heartbreaking, devastating things. And he would sigh and say, "What now?" like I was the biggest ball and chain bitch on the face of the earth. Did anyone else feel that way? I was sooooo the opposite of a ball and chain. There were so many times I told him, I just want to live together so you can do what you want and I can stay home and take care of the kids, take care of you when you get home, spoil you, etc. I was the coolest girlfriend, he always said, I was like a guy and not demanding or annoying. And he turned it all around to make me look like a ball and chain. I asked him for three years to go somewhere overnight with me, just the two of us. One night. Could never quite get off of work, but could go overnight golfing at the drop of a hat, or to Vegas for a week three times a year, no problem. When I finallly cried the last time he did it, he rolled his eyes and said, "What now?"

Oct 15 - 7PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Thank you

everyone for your birthday wishes and support. I am doing just fine, really, it's just still hard to remember how belittled and discarded, devalued, disenfranchised feels compared to feeling like the queen of the universe at first. He made me feel so special; everyone he knew told me: "You did something to him. We've never seen him like this." Yeah, I guess I made him feel something akin to love or affection and he freaked out. His loss.
Oct 16 - 1AM (Reply to #13)
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture

We are so alike

So many things have come to my attention lately, I haven't been here. His friends, have told me things, unsolitcited. Things that confirmed what I felt anyways. My guy never took days off for me. I did for him all the time. I am a 911 operator. My schedule sucks. He never took time off during the week for me. He got every weekend off. I burned all my time for him. He never bought xmas, birthday, whatever presents for my kids. Never paid for a vacation, Sweetest days, etc. All fell on me. Yet, tonight, he took his gf from the trailer park out for an overnite trip. He is doing all kinds of stuff with her kids, soccer games etc, and he abandoned my kids. My son is varsity football this year. If she was smart, she would be paying attention to how quickly my kids were shunned. Oh girl, I feel your pain. But it is his loss. He was supposed to pony up money for dissolution, but bought an iphone.....then he didn't give it to me because "I didn't ask for it last week," but he is taking his gf out. Meanwhile...the bill collectors are calling. Not sure what is going on...but it's kind of scary. I plan on paying for it myself, just to get rid of his pathetic butt. Yet, he comes home after being at her house all nite, telling me he listens to me on the scanner and it is good to hear my voice. WTF? Not sure what your angle is, buster, but you aren't allowed back in my life, ever. We are not going to be friends, even. I am friends with some of my ex's. You are not one. I even unfriended him on facebook. Told my kids to do the same as well. I know you are in a rough patch now...I was too. Take care of yourself first. Do not focus on him, focus on you. Quit worrying about "what nows" with him and dream about the life without him. I promise you, it is much sweeter without them. I've had a taste. Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Oct 15 - 6PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Helldweller

Happynow is right: What now, he asks? "I'm better now I'm not with you!" Seriously, I know it hurts, but you gotta remember this. You are soooo much better off without him in your life. He is toxic and horribly cruel and evil, if you want my opinion. I wish you would go NC with him. He is sick and sadistic. We should celebrate your b-day at our upcoming Chicago Support Group Meeting! You're coming, right? Betty and I will announce details tomorrow once we confirm 11/11 as the date with everyone. Happy Birthday, sistah! xoxo
Oct 15 - 3PM
Alive
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Hi

Helldweller, hope you are feeling better....cruel world of the Narc, they dont give a damn, 'what now' - Im better now im not with you.....take carex
Oct 15 - 3PM
Briseis
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Happy birthday :) a day

Happy birthday :) a day when you should be special, but when you hope the "special" will come from your Narc . . . The "what now" question is so triggering because inside of you, that is what YOU are asking yourself. That's my guess. You, all by yourself, having nothing to do with HIM in any way. Just you, standing there in the solitude of your own mind. WHAT NOW? You should answer that.
Oct 15 - 4PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Ill say it again cause I

Ill say it again cause I could never say it enough. I f ing hate him he seems particularly cruel and sadistic. Are you still talking to him? I'm not asking so I can judge oh lord no I'm the last one that should be casting any stones. I was just wondering as you seem as though you have been better I broke 21 days nc and while I got a fix of niceness with I love yous and him actually speaking to me on the phone and him telling me he was gonna come for a week. Now guess what? the silent treatment has begun again it wasn't worth the fix cause now I gotta start the process all over again so my phrase Is "what? I gotta do this again" I swear when will I get it! Oh BTW I see its your Birthday. Please tell me he is not ruining your Birthday
Oct 15 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

what helps me-

Sometimes I try to look at the reason this person came into my life. Something good comes from something bad. "Ruin is the start of transformation". How about this: what if u were sitting on the couch next to him? Now what? You know what! Just trying to give u food for thought.
Oct 15 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
gettinbetter
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Yes Blueeyes good one. Damn

Yes Blueeyes good one. Damn we are getting so introspective!
Oct 15 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
cluelessuntilnow
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blueeyes and sick of it

My fav is "the barn burnt down and now I see the moon".
Oct 15 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
gettinbetter
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I think my barn is still on

I think my barn is still on fire!
Oct 15 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
blueeyes
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good one

My HN gives me a sick perception so I've been compensating. Sick of it, I sent u am email.
Oct 15 - 11AM
blueeyes
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Happy birthday

I am sorry your crying. You were in an abusive relationship. That would make anyone with a heart cry. I am sorry, I have these moments myself. I wasnted to tell you Happy Birthday! :)
Oct 15 - 11AM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Happy birthday

I am sorry your crying. You were in an abusive relationship. That would make anyone with a heart cry. I am sorry, I have these moments myself. I wasnted to tell you Happy Birthday! :)