What it's really like

I'm 8 months NC and thriving, but I think about how harmed I was (for 3 years!) by the N every day. I found this letter in my desk, written in late 2010 (we were together from May 2008 to July 2011 and he has lots of health issues, all from smoking and overeating). It illustrates so well the agony, loneliness and uncertainty that the N's romantic partner suffers. I will let the letter say the rest:
My beloved ------:
I would give anything to ridge the ever-widening gulf between us.
------, for the past week I have lain beside you in bed, wanting you. Ever since you got sick, though, and even before, I got the message that I should not approach you sexually. Of course you've been ill. I tell myself, "let the man be - he's been through such a tough time." But I have this awful feeling that I must keep my distance even when you seem to be feeling OK. Every night I get in bed, sometimes taking off my pajamas but never daring to hope that you might reach for me in the night. My desire for you seems to be just one more burden for you, like packing or boarding up windows. So I have kept to myself, but certainly not for lack of desire. After so many nights and days without any overture from you, I feel lost and lonely and uncertain. I don't know how to be or where to put myself. After these many days, it was a relief to kiss you and hold you close, but I admit I felt self-conscious and inhibited. I've lost my comfort zone, and if I asked for your help in the wtong way, I'm very sorry. My intentions were only to ask for what i needed. I feel demeaned and humiliated for having done so. I sought your understanding, not your criticism. I know that at times I have been moody, but a large proportion of the time, you get irate with me over trivial remarks or misguided attempts at humor. Whatever it is I do that incites your disdain, it hangs over my head for days on end. If I offend on Tuesday, I better not hold open my arms to you until maybe Thursday or Friday. When I have been short with you, I have owned up to my failure and apologized, but that doesn't seem to matter much. One or three or five days later I will still hear about how I offended you. I have been making an effort to be mindful, to hold my tongue, to exercise tact. I can't tease you or poke fun or make a joke. Or I can, and take the gamble. Will you laugh with me? Maybe sometimes. Will you give me a look of disgust and withdraw from me for hours or days? Quite possibly.
I am perplexed by your reference to last Friday, when apparently you wanted to get close physically but in your mind I preferred going to town over being in your arms. Baby I had no clue. You said you felt some stirrings, yes, but you went right on making phone calls and doing business things. You didn't indicate by word or action that maybe we should go in the house and make love, which I would have cherished. And then you seemed withdrawn and annoyed the whole time we were in town. Sure the music that night was corny but you know how i love the street performances. I'm particularly happy and proud to be seen and known as your woman.
You are my top priority. I plan my life around you. I send prayers up every day asking for your health to be restored. You know that when emergencies arise, I am there at your bedside at a moment's notice, no matter what, and I do anything and everything to help and support you.
I'm not trying to sound like a martyr or a hero. But honestly, ------, I try at every turn to do right by you. I'm trying to be a good listener, a helper with your tasks, a shoulder for you to lean on. I am ever-aware and anxious not to be "oppressive" to you, or a "bully," as you say that I do. I'm delighted to go my own way and allow you plenty of space - it gives me great pleasure to see you buzzing around, being absorbed in your projects. I want to be your trusted friend. But also, as good old Janis put it back in the 60s, I need a man to love me. I have spent this week adrift, in your company but not close to you. A So this morning I'm feeling - well, I don't have the words.
I want to look to the future with optimism and pleasure. Always before, I felt joy and lived only in the moment when we rocked that bed together. Sex was our glue, the bed our sanctuary. After we loved each other up, we could laugh together easily, share jokes, poke fun. All was right with the world. Now this physical discord feels like yet another comnbat arena, and my heart is broken in two to lose something so personal and precious between us.
Remember that I always love you, ---.