What if I'm wrong?

I just posted my story earlier today. It felt good to put it into words and get it all out. Up till this point it's felt like a nightmare but also like a crazed painting or something. Maybe a Picasso. I am in "no contact" right now but I know I'm only doing it halfway, I've still been text messaging him. Talking to him on the phone a little bit. It's been 10 months since the bomb dropped...finding out he was married. Married. I knew him for over 5 years and he hid it from me the whole way. We were only in what I thought of as our "relationship" for half of that but it doesn't matter, it was still a lie that started from day 1. And his intentions from day one were to be with me and his guise was that of a single, interested, emotionally available man. And it wasn't just one lie, it was all the pieces that supported it...the story is so long, I could and should add to it. There are several things that I still think about that are so upsetting to me. Things that make me think that I was not just lied to, that I was bitten too. Over and over.

The thing that I'm having trouble with is my mind telling me; "wait...he's human too, we all screw up, we all have an ego too, what if he does love me and I'm about to walk away before I've even gotten to see what he does now that the truth is out, now that he has a chance to live outside of the lie that he twisted his life into? He made a mistake." Am I just completely deluded? I guess my rationale is that I've lied, I've messed up, plenty of times. I've cheated on a boyfriend. It was once but I still did it. I've lied before and tried to hide it.

I also ask myself why I expect the way he loves to look like mine. He's a guy, he's 23 years older, is German, is a different person entirely. I know that there are certain things that I'm not capable of doing but there aren't rules or standards that I can or should hold anyone else to.

But the I step back further and say wait...I do deserve to be loved the way I need to and want to. I don't have to settle for his brand of love, it's different than how I love but not great-different. It's hollow-different. I'm realizing that I'm going to need a lot of help through this. I'm doing a lot of second guessing myself and I'm missing the guy that I thought he was so much. It's almost like I'm obsessed with getting back in touch with that man and staying there. But making sure this time that it's authentic, that he's not lying or screwing around behind my back. And I'm not stupid, I would be sooo gone if I thought he really was. But he's been sweet, open with what he's doing at any given time, offering to tell me what he's up to, wanting to show me receipts, telling me I can call anytime, has had friends call me and talk to me even (he offered, I never asked) and he's been telling me constantly that he's sorry and after seeing the pain that everyone experienced, he could never dream of hurting me or anyone, would rather hurt himself. That it was a marriage that he'd wanted out of that he lied about. Not that he's some "cassanova" (his word), messing around all over the place with all kinds of people and hiding it. Tells me he's not like that, not even close. I want to believe him so badly.

I still have that feeling though. That something is off. I guess for some reason I also want to make sure I've identified him correctly as a NP. He seems to fit, trait-wise. What exactly does this mean for me if he is? That there is just no way? That there is NO such thing as a relationship with this man? Is there ever a person who has these traits but is still a good person, still has a good heart, just needs to find someone they balance right with? How did he have a marriage that worked for 30 years if he's just an image? Why is this so important to me? Figuring this all out? I've never been so confused. I've been researching this for awhile so I know the answers to these questions but I still ask them anyway. Ask myself. Wonder if there's a way because I so badly want this to be a vivid nightmare that I'm going to wake up from, shake off so I can just be happy with him.

Sometimes I even tell myself, so what if he hunts other women? As long as he tells me about it if he's curious or bored I could live with that. As long as he's honest. But I suppose he just says he would be and would have no problem being straight up about that. I don't want to marry him or have his babies, I just want to be with him. There are no guarantees with anything in life anyway. But I know I don't want to be anyone's fool. I guess I know inside myself that he made me his and it's too big a slap in the face to overlook. I just have to be stronger than this. I have to let go of that image of that perfect-for-me guy. And the ease of how this felt in the beginning. It kills me though. I don't have a driving need to find someone. I don't even want to be with someone else, can't imagine it. But I'm now scared to death that I never will want to. He tells me I've ruined him for all other women. I used to smile at him and tell him I feel the same. And I do. Like he's ruined me for all other men. He has no idea.

I refuse to let that be so. I'm so young still. I have so much love to give. I'm optimistic, caring, happy. What happened to me? That doesn't even sound like a true description of me anymore. =(