What if I'm wrong?

I think this is a pretty common thought at some points during recovery. What has helped me is to write down the things he did that led me to believe he is an N/P. There are fights in all relationships, but not the display of lack of empathy; irresponsibility; the idealization then devaluation; lying; cheating; undependable; substance abuse; withholding affection; lack of real remorse... Remember also, that they do not need to exhibit every criteria to be severely disordered. Peace. J

Breathedeep and others . . . One of the last interactions we had, he spent about two hours telling me the most bizarre things to whitewash every single thing he had done. He was, not directly but very vaguely, trying to tell me that he and his family are very benevolent and philanthropic, and that everything they do for others is done in secret because that's how they were taught by their parents. He was basically trying to convince me that everywhere he goes, everyone he sees, all of his secret female friends have to do with this life of secret giving and aiding of the poor, the blighted, the lonely, and that I can't know anything about it because it would ruin the nature of their "work." This is the man who told my ten year old daughter to "get over herself" when she cried at seeing us naked together. The man who led to me to spend a week in California with another woman. The man who leaves his foster child at home for three weeks a year to go to Vegas and stay at the Bellagio. The man who slammed the door on our neighbor who was collecting money for our postman's family after he had a heart attack. I am absolutely convinced that this conversation was carefully concocted because he knew I had found out all of his lies and B.S. after I took his phone and he had to think of a way to make ME feel like the bad one. Brilliant, really, isn't it? Absolutely brilliant. No, you're not wrong.

I've thought the same thing many times. I think it's perfectly natural if you're someone who tries to do good by everyone and takes their interactions seriously. I have let that lead me back there 4 times. It will not happen again!!! It can't. I admit, sometimes I catch myself in the feeling of what it would be like if it was real, if it really was true. Then I remember all the bad things were part of that reality, too. I think of them one by one - little things he said that made me feel like crap, reactions that were odd for the situation, slights that cut into me but were nothing to him. No one deserved to live that "on edge". The first 4 times, I was willing to take the blame. And I did. Each time, I'd try to do better so it wouldn't happen again. Well, it's ALWAYS going to happen again. Better is never good enough. And even if you're perfect, they'll find the stupidest thing that's wrong, real or imagined, to break it all apart again. It's not you.

Sad as it is to hear, Ispent 15 years with my Narc and each time after a few months he would write me or call when he was feeling lonely, depressed, wanted sex, and each time i too thought he had changed and went back to him because i till loved him and believed in miracles. A few years ago when i walked out on him , the first time I did that, he was the one always leaving me, he wrote this most wonderful letter and again, I thought he had changed, but not true, and later on he even said to me he wished he had never written the letter and while he was saying it, he reminded me of a little toddler who just confessed to his mommy. his mother is some shape, form did so much damage permanently to his psyche and personality, it is a shame.

I've fallen for this trick 3 times. Each time after several months of no contact. I believe him that he has changed, and end up even worse than before! They do not change. He's just trying to suck you back in. Do not listen to him! His words are poison. Remember what he has Done, as opposed to what he says he will do in the future. Actions speak louder than words!!!