What the Hell! I'm purging!

I just feel like getting it all out of my systema and no better day or place to do it but now and here!!

Here is an email that I got from the narc-ass last year about this time after I tried to apologize for how badly I ended the engagement. I wasn't necessarily sorry I ended the engagement - just did so very emotionally and meanly (yea my team!). BTW, when it mentions "breaking in and taking things" - what I actually did was use the key to get in and get my sons belongings that he wouldn't return and I took back a gift that I had given him years ago - my artwork that had been nicely framed that he never hung anywhere in his house.

Anyway, I tried to talk it over with him and got the usual raging and craziness that evening. Here's the email I received the following morning. I read this now and it makes me laugh!!

Good Morning Terri,

I hope you did rest well last night, yet I feel that probably was not the case. Thanks for stopping by and it would have been nice just to visit, yet that does not seem to ever be the case. I wish we could have just enjoyed each others company vs. getting into a discussion about trying to fix us. Why could we just not visit? When you stopped me in the road, you said you just wanted some company. That was not the case, what you wanted was to get into a discussion about us.

Please be clear on this, I do still care for you. What you are asking me now to do is either work through this with you along with a therapist or provide you the closure that you need by saying go away. It angers me in that I already was trying to work through our issues, the changes you wanted to see in me. What I got in exchange from you was continued walking out, no wiggle room with your expectations, and continued new issues of things that you did not like about me. You broke our engagement. As I have said numerous times for a long period of time, you were always angry with me. Always. Your mood often turned on a dime when I would do something stupid. For what it is worth, I would generally recognize my mistake and apologize. I think we both know how well accepted those were.

Mix the above with coming into my home when I was away and taking a gift, lying about it, defending it, and then little remorse (I had to change my locks!), a void of not feeling loved (I did keep asking!), not appreciated for the many things I would do at you house, and then a total 180 on the physical part of our relationship. That had turned into a one person performance.

Now you want me to be the person that makes the decision. Guess what....I'm not. I'm still hurt, angry, confused about my feelings, and frankly do not trust you. I trusted you when we went to see Dr. Pica several years ago. We know how that turned out. I trusted you when I let you keep the key to the house. It is sad that things reached this point, yet I do feel we did talk about the issues, we made commitments to changes we were going to make, we heard what each other needed, in the end we did not answer those. So, going forward how are things going to change? How?

I'm not ready to walk away from what could have been and yet confused as how to proceed. I know that I do not want you to be unhappy. What hurts is, I do not believe I am the person that makes you happy. I believe I'm needed, yet not necessarily wanted.

narc-ass
(his real initials are BS - YEP, that about sums it up!!)