What exactly am I missing?

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#1 Dec 8 - 1PM

victimnomore

What exactly am I missing?

I need to get this off of my chest today. I have been trying to figure out why I miss my NH. I am approaching 12 weeks NC and terrible memories are flooding my mind. am I missing him choking me, spitting on me, cheating on me, soliciting women on the internet for sex or massages? Am I missing degrading sexual encounters or him telling me how other women want him. Am i missing him punching me, making me feel so worthless and depressed that death would be a welcoming relief. Am I missing me and our son walking on eggshells? Am I missing him threatening me with guns?

What exactly am I missing? Am I missing him looking at other women when we are out together, or him ignoring me. Am i missing him not kissing me or showing me any affection? Am i missing 25 years of pure hell? My NH has done unimaginable thing to me for 25 years and even though I think I miss him all I have to do is remember how I felt after every violation and look at how far I've come and I know that I don't ever want to feel this way again!

NC saved my life and I never thought in a million years that I could do it but I'm doing it and I thank all of you for your stories on this board that have given me strength and hope and a glimpse at a happy and safe life. I survived 2 world trade center attacks and it isn't easy but being in a relationship with him is worst than anything that I have ever experienced and I am determined to get my life back no matter what!

So what exactly am I missing? NOTHING!

#2 Dec 8 - 5PM

onwithmylife

victim no more

THAT is a mighty good question and your right the answer is nothing, but why is it nearlhy2 years out, i still feel an incredible sadness in my heart for the loss of our relationship even though i meant nothing to him, that is the answer BECAUSE we meant nothing to THEM though we put our heart and soul into building a future with these men or women and they just destroyed it and moved on, I know mine is desperate and depraved and doing cybersex, because of his projection, so there is a little satisfaction knowing that...

#3 Dec 8 - 6PM (Reply to #11)

victimnomore

onwithmylife

I know that I am missing nothing and I think that the hardest part to deal with is that is it possible that after 25 years and me giving everything I had even with the abuse that this man, this NARC never loved me and I was only a constant supply for him. Someone he could lean on no matter what. Now that I am out and I look back on all those years i was just a mother to him. Someone to clean up all of the drama in his life that he created. There I was ready, willing and able to fix it for him. I really have to forgive myself because I cant believe that I hung around that long. WTF???????

victimnomore

#4 Dec 8 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

onwithmylife

victim no more

I think it shocks us to the VERY core of our foundation of who we are, how could we have been so gullible, naive, fill in the blank, without putting us down to hang in there for so long, those are really meaningful questions for us to ask ourselves and at the same time move on with our lives so we do not waste even more of our precious years, let them rot in hell where they should be and i am determined with all my might to go on and maybe find a kind, decent man, or else I can say i died trying!!!Do not waste your time wondering why you stayed so long at the party, just enjoy your life now.I think there may be NO answers to that question.my EXN hated women thanks to dear ole mommy, you might very well have been a mother to him, they all had screwed up relationships with mothers and perhaps fathers as well.Read the book, Men who are married to Mom, real GOOD

#5 Dec 8 - 2PM

Briseis

I just wanted to throw up

I just wanted to throw up reading your post. Um, in a good way lol :) Nasty, residual trauman bonding and cognitive dissonance. How it can still be sliming around in there inspiring feelings of "missing him" when him being MISSING from your life means you are finally safe and free :( The mind plays such terrible tricks on us in those early days of NC. And you, my friend, aren't missing a THING :) "Missing him" is like a very persistent weed or infestation of body lice. You've obviously been applying your creams :D (sorry for the gross imagery)

#6 Dec 8 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

victimnomore

I Know breisis

I know how you felt reading it but imagine how I felt writing it. Yuck! I just have to keep reminding myself of how lucky I am to be alive.

victimnomore

#7 Dec 8 - 2PM

Scoop

Oh sweet heart ... really

Oh sweet heart ... really huge hugs to you , It truely makes no sence why we should still love and miss them after so much terrible abuse untill you look at stockholm syndrome and trauma bonding both explane why it takes time and deprograming for the trauma to end even after you rid yourself from the sorce .Post traumatic stress is what we all have and thats just the gift that keeps giving and after 25 years well thats some big bit of trauma you are wading through right now , for years youre narc has hit with one hand and gave you comfort with the other , its an unatral state .Be gentle with youre self it will take a while for youre brain to realise the threat has gone .Thinking of you tonight xx

#8 Dec 8 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

victimnomore

Thank you Scoop

Thank you and everyone for your support. I already had PTSD after the world trade center attacks. I worked there for 18 years. After that my NH really let the mask fall completely off as if he felt that he needed to add more suffering to my already devastated world!

victimnomore

#9 Dec 8 - 1PM

Hunter

Cheers, to the new you.

Cheers, to the new you. Move forward, love yourself, and party like a rock star. You inspire us all.

#10 Dec 8 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

victimnomore

idealk9NYC

Thanks and I will take your advice and party like the rock star that I am :)

victimnomore

#11 Dec 8 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

desprathousewife

Victimnomore

You lady, are a true inspiration. 25 years and you should be a total wreck after all you have been through, but NO, you have seen the light and against all odds are fighting back and taking control of your life at last. Your post is not only awe inspiring, it is a message of complete hope to us all. I only had to endure 18 months of supreme joy and total annihalation. I congratulate you on staying NC and wish for you the most wonderful future imaginable....Boy do you deserve it :) Thankyou so much for giving me strength tonight, I've been a bit down lately and your post has cheered me up no end. Go girl, what a woman you are ....mwah

#12 Dec 8 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

victimnomore

I Am Humbled desprathousewife

I am so humbled by your post. I had no idea my story would help anyone I was afraid it would be to depressing and have a negative effect. NC has truly helped me to step outside of the madness and take my power back. My spirit was so broken and I felt like I had no soul. I was very afraid for the first couple of weeks . Afraid that he would suck me back in because this has been the pattern over and over again. But now i know that there is no turning back no matter how hard the road is in front of me. I honestly know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Hang in there after hardship comes ease.

victimnomore

#13 Dec 8 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

Scoop

Just as DHW says you are a

Just as DHW says you are a true inspiration xx

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