What do you all do to avoid getting sad?

19 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Nov 13 - 8PM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

What do you all do to avoid getting sad?

I wondered what you all who are new to NC what you do to block out the good times you had w your Narc?

I usually do not think of those times. If I do, I kill the thought with a bad memory or a good article about ASPD. That'll do it for ya!

Today I am doing well except I saw a movie and I was flooded with good memories that wouldn't go away! Is this normal cause usually I can manage due to the shit he has done.

Nov 14 - 6AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

I think

Mariline's comments are spot on.of course you will remember good memories, but know they were of the man YOU THOUGHT HE WAS and not who he really is and replace it with a time he treated you badly. That famous list of pros and cons does help. I think of the horrible cruel treatment I suffered at the hands of the man including the infamous statement, "I never loved you, I just wanted us to get a house together so i could drive you off a cliff and get the house." Later when i called him on that comment, he acted real nervous and said he was only kidding. I know too he told me he never loved his first wife, what the heck, He doesn't love anyone, including HIMSELF, he hates himself!! HE simply cannot love, how sad is that!!!
Nov 14 - 2AM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Sometimes good memories come

Sometimes good memories come back, yes. But they are not true memories...it is more a regret for "what it could be and never was". I have a tool in these moments. I remember a particular moment, when my Narc refused to buy my son a chocolate milk and put it back on the shelf at the supermarket. I go automatically into "refusing chocolate milk to my child" mode. It works. It puts everything into perspective. And I also remember reading one time: substitute feelings with gut. Yes, my porr and neglected gut feeling! When I try to do that, I remember his strange eyes behind the strange glasses....and I ensure you, something inside me shivers. (((hugs)))
Nov 14 - 2AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I didn't block it out I just

I didn't block it out I just cried and cried and went with the flow. But I continued to look after my well~being, I've never been a big drinker but I stopped drinking alcohol(had the odd glass of wine at dinner) because it made me feel worse and seemed to exaggerate my feelings. I only, where possible, had contact with people that made me feel good to be around and slowly I felt better and got clarity.
Nov 13 - 11PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

This just happens now and

This just happens now and then. It doesn't mean anything, really. You got triggered, and since things are still so raw, it feels so strong and compelling. As time goes by, it won't. I can think of our good times (we had plenty of them) and I feel a definite sadness. We used to go on these crazy hikes, like 30 mile hikes out into nowhere with his GPS and a BLM Land Management map to guide us. I did stuff with the Narc I never would have done, and when people talk about scary hikes and fearing they were lost in the middle of nowhere, I can relate :D . There was good and bad. It's just that the bad outweighed the good so much. Like, by miles. It has a way of tweaking memory, making the "good" seem so good. Also, the good times are so fucking RARE that they almost feel religious. Every time you feel the sadness and the grief, you are burning a little more of it up. There is less pain inside you now than there was before. There's plenty to come, of course :( But when it comes, try not to fear it as a bad thing. It is honest and real to grieve what you've lost. And each time you do it, you let go and move on just a little bit more :)
Nov 14 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Ok, i got my answer

Briseis said " It is honest and real to grieve what you've lost. And each time you do it, you let go and move on just a little bit more :)" So its ok to greive, because it's part of letting go! Thanks B! I wanted to know if this sadness was hurting my recovery.
Nov 14 - 2PM (Reply to #15)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Oh GOD no, it is necessary

Oh GOD no, it is necessary for your recovery :) A huge part of recovering from these relationships IS learning to sit with and give respect and honor to our sadness and griefs. Instead of running from them, and jumping into a NEW relationship, or drowning them in alcohol or Klonopins or pain pills. If we do that, we never get the "benefit" of the grief. Yes, there is a gift wrapped up in that sadness and loss. It's like these difficult-to-tolerate feelings are gifts all wrapped up. I can't say what YOUR gift will be. I can just say that it WILL be lol :D My gift is pretty much too hard to put into words (yes, even for blabber fingers me). Some of it is that I can sit with sadness and just let it "be" without acting out, having to DO something about it. Another part of it is self respect. I grieve, therefore I am. It is my grief, it really happened, and I am one with the human race, in all it's grieving. I am not alone. I do believe that respecting my sadnesses and griefs, instead of running away from them or relating to them as if they are BAD, has improved my character. I cope with them soberly, and can tell other people they can do the same. They give me "depth", so that I can go "down" with other people experiencing terrifying kinds of grief, like my cancer patients. I can sit with them and discuss their possible or impending death, and feel REAL empathy, and they know it. I can be "healing" for them, where no medicine I give can reach :) I am a better person, a stronger person, and it "shows", which is important, as I am essentially a human being who needs other humans to feel complete and whole. That's a pretty decent rendition of it, actually. At different times, it means different things. But in a nutshell . . . :)
Nov 14 - 2AM (Reply to #2)
alma25
alma25's picture

I let the sadness be

I can so much relate to everything that Briseis said.With my Narc I did so many different things and I saw many things that I never would have seen and I cried so many tears I never would have cried. I miss all those times.I miss them so much. Even now after such a long time I still miss. The problem is he wasn't all bad. No. I can't say he was a monster but he was not a guy to live with, he was not a guy to love and definately he was not a guy to plan my life with. What do I do when I feel sad? I let my sadness be cause it has no sense to pretend that it does not exist. Some time ago I did a strange thing maybe but it helped me: I made a division: good HIM, bad HIM. I imagined that the good one just died and the bad is still alive and wants to hurt me. When I imagine that my sadness is more natural. And I try not to forget where a real happiness is. It's inside of me. I'm looking at the sky, riding a bike, drinking coffeee and I feel my little happiness. I can be happy without him. I celebrate every little thing that can give me some hope and happiness, some light. And every day I regain my peace, this peace of mind when you just accept that it is the way it is,that this is the life, your life.
Nov 14 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

I'm crying right now reading your responses.

I saw a movie last night that had me thinking of the good times. PS I love you, ugh! We watched that all the time together and we both would feel happy to have one another. He even said once "I'm gonna put this movie on when your mad at me." Ugh! I told you guys that I kill these memories with facts of ASPD. But since last night I have been mourning the good guy. I do not find this healthy but maybe it is a necessary evil. Maybe mourning the wonderful husband needs to be a step towards recovery?
Nov 14 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Wonderful husband? Who? The

Wonderful husband? Who? The one who stopped working? the one who went on methadone treatment? The one who embarassed you in front of your friends? The one who was arrested? The one who was "the king of the castle"? The wonderful husband was only in your mind, dear blueeyes. ((hugs)))
Nov 14 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Mariline

That is true! And I do know this. Which is what my question is "why am I mourning the good times?" Is this normal cuz up until last night, I have been able to fend off the good time thoughts. I wonder why I couldn't last night? I know he has ASPD. I know he is all the bad and none of the good. I just wondered why the very strong good memories could not be killed by facts last night?
Nov 14 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Blueeyes, you have a little

Blueeyes, you have a little boy. You just delivered, you re an hormonal mess. You are tired, scared, disappointed. Besides, read and learn what Lisa wrote about good and bad memories. bad memories are fragmented and we tend to avoid them. Good memories are always available. You are mourning because you are normal. But it will go away. Nothing can stop your recovery. Nothing. ((hugs))
Nov 14 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

mariline, ty

I agree. I have a strange need to know that my feelings are ok? Also what Lisa wrote about good and bad memories. bad memories are fragmented and we tend to avoid them. I have focused only on the bad so when the good came I felt vulnerable. Thanks all! I'm normal. Lol. Maybe? :)
Nov 14 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
MovinOnUp
MovinOnUp's picture

Blueeyes

You're completely normal. And whatever he was or wasn't you've suffered a loss and it is healthy to mourn losses. Keep in mind those good times were real to you at the time, and you felt them in that context. Your feelings were real... and it will take a little time for your heart to catch up with your mind. I think it is more likely to hinder your recovery process if you don't allow yourself a little space to mourn that which you thought and felt was real.
Nov 14 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Being told to "get over it"

It was painful after the D&D when a friend of mine told me to "get over it",and that I shouldn't be mourning because it wasn't a "real relationship." I angrily told her that it was REAL to ME and that I was sick&tired of being commanded how to feel. When I told her how the ex-Psych professor was telling me how to think&feel, she got my point...
Nov 14 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Susan 32 ?

You said your friend told you to "get over it because it wasn't a real relationship?" Is he still a professor or is he an ex-Psych professor? Meanning he is ni longer a Psch Proffesor or is he your ex? I'm confused about the relationship? Also, confused why your friend would say that. I couldn't find your story.
Nov 14 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Response

The Psych professor is STILL a professor. I've seen XNh for "ex-Narc husband" which means someone's referring to their narcissistic ex-husband (who is still a Narc, of course!) The psychopathic professor, I assume is still a psychopath. "Confused about the relationship"- I considered the professor my friend. We DID have the "teacher/student" relationship-that's on paper.. it never got romantic and/or physical, thank God. "Why would your friend say that"- Our "relationships" with Ns/Ps AREN'T real. My friend told me to stop grieving as it as if it were a genuine relationship. I told her I was mourning it because it WASN'T real. BTW- I really should bump my story. I'll put it back at the top, so you can see it.
Nov 14 - 10PM (Reply to #12)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

thanks Susan

I often wondered. Ill scroll down to look at your story. Thanks for clarifying! I ask questions and I mean no disrepect. I have a "need to know obsession" at the moment :)
Nov 14 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Bumped it to the top...

The last time my story was at the top was 26 weeks ago :0 No problem with asking questions. EVERYBODY here came with questions. There's that "what the heck happened?" thought going through your mind (as did mine) I bumped my story to the top in the Share Your Story section.