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What is closure

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#1 Nov 9 - 5PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

What is closure

Can I get closure on the aftermath with a pathological relationship without tell HIM how wrong he is,,,uggg its driving me crazy.

He is getting away with murder, rubbing it in my face.

And why do they continue to tyrannize you, even after its over!!!

Nov 12 - 12AM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Amazed

Yes, you can get closure for yourself. Never expect him to give you any. He won't. He lives to get a reaction from you. Any kind of reaction gets him off. The key to finding closure is to ignore him and see him as insignicant in your new life. You can find closure within yourself by doing this. Knowledge is power and the more you understand you did nothing wrong, the easier it is to walk away with no regrets. Trust me, you are so much better off without this man. It does take time to see this, but that's only because of the mind control they have over us for months after the relationship ends. Be patient with yourself. The further you get away from the situation, the better you will be able to put things in perspective and be grateful he is out of your life. Ignore him. Do not respond to his attempts to get a rise out of you. The more unphased you are by him, the more it will upset him. Not that it matters because we don't care what he thinks anymore, but bottom line is if you react to him, he'll keep it up. If you don't react to him, he'll eventually give up. But, be patient because it does take time. Things will get easier. Hang in there!
Nov 10 - 5PM
Chloe
Chloe's picture

Once you

walk away and not look back. That is when you will start to get closure. The key is therapy. I would never be where I am without therapy, self-help books, knowledge, meditation, massage, and my spirituality. It takes a long while, but it will get much better each and every day.
Nov 9 - 8PM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Can I get closure

closure, or revenge? Sometimes I get the two confused. Or do you mean the type of closure where he will get on his hands and knees and say I am so sorry I didnt mean to hurt you, I am an asshole and you didnt deserve it. Would that make you feel better Amazed? To tell you the truth it wouldnt do shitola for me. I would like him to spend time behind bars for the exact amount of time it would take me to recover, to take from him the exact amount of years of his life he took from me, now that would be close to the closure I would want. To give him solitude confinement which is in a way what he did to me, I feel like I have been doing time for someone else's crime and the bad one gets away while the good one pays dearly. Ok so now back to reality, we have to make our own closure, I can share with you what my closure is. Knowing they are disordered is my closure, knowing a normal person did not do all this to me, knowing I am still all the wonderful things he thought I was in the beginning,knowing I was never discarded for a lack of anything I was but again only because of their deformity, knowing every act of evil he did against me was his deformity coming to surface, knowing he saw me as a whore because he is sexually dysfunctional and messed up, knowing he could not love me because of anything I lacked, but understanding he is incapable of love, knowing he never appreciated or saw my inner and outer beauty because it was always there, they are just indifferent to it, knowing he never wanted to know me not because I wasnt worth knowing but because they have no interest or ability to truly know anyone, knowing he never missed me, cared for me, loved me, because these are emotions they dont have to give, knowing he wanted to watch others have sex with me because he was perverted, knowing he had ED with me not because I wasnt sexy or attractive enough but because he has damaged himself with porn, hookers, and masturbation, last but not least, knowing he stays with his other woman not because he loves her but because she serves to further his normal image. These are all the things that have given me closure I now look at closure as meaning peace, not revenge, I can close this chapter in my life I no longer care what he does, who he is with, who he sleeps with, where he goes, what material things he has that I dont have, I no longer care what his life is like with his OW, and what they share together, she is nothing more or less than I am, I no longer care about any of these things. What I do care about is MY LIFE and moving forward to a better place, finding all the pieces and putting myself back together again, creating new dreams for myself that arent based on lies and deception or living in some illusion that some psychopath created for me. I wont be visiting this site as much that is one of my goals, pop in a couple times a week to get a shot of support and encouragement when I doubt myself and to offer others words of strength that might help them in their healing. I will never forget until the day I die the brave and courageous people on this site who have guided me in the direction I needed to go and have helped me overcome a truly traumatic experience. Taking the times out of their lives who dont even know me to send me words of wisdom and have spoken to me with their hearts. We have shared so many private and intimate things about ourselves, I was never judged for the wrong decisions I have made in my life and I commend you all for that.
Nov 10 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

I hear ya Cynthia!!!!!

Bombs away!!! Its a great feeling to know, in your heart, the truth. The depth. The feeling of freedom. To not be addicted. To have a functional, balanced life. One that does not wear us down, but builds us up. It is so good to be free, and to realize that. That is the place to stay. I am with ya, I am feeling the power, to let go. To move on, and say wow, thank god I have me, and all I am. Free from the rut that dulled us, the abuser that tried to cast something over us, but we dismantled it. Damn we are good. The free live is everlasting, thank god we found free air and salvation, and courage from people to show us.
Nov 10 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

AMEN

It is so good to be free, and to realize that. That is the place to stay Its wonderful to be free, if I feel this liberated just knowing that think how we will feel when we are really through with this? I still have a bit further to go not quite there yet but 3/4 there. I listened to some of his VM on my cell phone today from like 6 months ago, UG, now it sounds to me like this slimy sick pimp pervert and I think why did I wait for him to call me and talk trashy to me like that, what was I thinking, just how deep of a spell was I under> GOd I will say it again it feels so good for the spell to be lifted I can half way live again and feel almost normal. In a way after awhile when we are no longer under that illusion, we realize they need it more than we ever did, they always need someone to feed and respond to their sickness whatever they are into. I never in my wildest imagination would have ever thought one day this man would be repulsive to me, I thought he was the best looking man on the face of the earth, I mean he is good looking if you dont know him but that all changes when you get close and personally involved with him, the looks start to fade the appeal is gone. Yes we dismantled it all didnt we? We figured these slick bastards out to the tee, thanks to this wonderful site and the people on it who helped me see what an ugly monster he is. THis site lifted the horrible spell I was under and took me to the road of truth which I will always have now, every pains taking step was worth it too. Where do you feel you are at now in your recovery Amazed? Do you think you are at least half way there? I still have some damage that scares me, some mental sexual damage was done to me, I am scared to death to be with someone normal intimately, the thought gives me anxiety, but when the times comes and if the right person would ever appear in my life I will take it as it happens and when I am ready. He made sex nasty and dirty and cheap and perverted and referred to my body parts in degrading ways, I was a whore and used by someone for three years that will take some time to undo. But we are free and for now that is a huge step and it feels so wonderful.
Nov 9 - 6PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

no closure... none

None of us EVER get closure... start looking around the Message Board... thoroughly. NONE of us. http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2009/09/08/the-revenge-post/ http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/04/18/closure-redux/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Nov 10 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Coming to Terms myself with closure, Barbara

Thank you for the posts, I am getting there. Feeling the sense of wholeness that is undamaged becoming more apparent to me. The damage is shedding itself, and glad to see it getting farther and farther in the distance. I have to go for closure, and be prepared not to be wounded again. I got now that it is going to take work, hard work, on my part.
Nov 9 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Well, is that really true?

Well, is that really true? I mean we get to be human and that means we win, right?
Nov 10 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

While Barbara is correct

While Barbara is correct insomuch that we never will get closure from our ex’s we do get personal closure and as much as you are willing to accept. What I mean is we get closure Like these too list a few: Once we accepted who they really are we get closure that their behavior is pathological and they will never change. We get a type of personal closure knowing and acknowledging that we did the best we could to keep that relationship alive (because if we didn’t they would have D&D you ages ago) and gave all we had to give. Many times through untold hardships and emotional pain. Also accepting our part in this dysfunctional relationship through soul searching and/or therapy we understand and acknowledge that maybe because of our past relationships we were “condition” and/or “trained” to tolerate these type of people and can give ourselves ways to change and not allow it to happen again. Yes, we do get closure but it’s always personal closure that comes with a gift of a better tomorrow and becoming a better person in the long run... Well, is that really true? I mean we get to be human and that means we win, right? Yes, itreallyisabouthim we do win and what we win the most in my view is our souls and hearts free of them forever.. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/
Nov 10 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
4joys4
4joys4's picture

Right James. No closure as

Right James. No closure as it involves the N. They will apologize and ask for another chance until the cows come home, but it only means "will you please allow me to abuse you some more?" I have no closure as yet. I suspect the nearest I will come to it is survival of what he did to me. And when my strengths return and I have some good life lived without him under my belt, I might feel a twang of closure. Or something that resembles it. But full closure I dont think is possible. I will forever be on the look out for narc and users and abusers. The wound wont fully close and scab over. And I wouldnt want it any other way. At least I will be on the look out for more of these creeps. Shapeshifter types.