Weekends are so hard
Weekends are so hard
Im just overwhelmed with emotion... hurt. I know he LOVES his weekends and usually makes them full of shows, 5 star restaurants, VIP living, sex (with me)... just exciting. It used to be me he lavished the attention on... then all of a sudden he didn't want me anymore. Was SO bored of me.
I am so angry and hurt that he is continuing this lifestyle (which is a lifestyle i enjoyed) and i am awake at 2am bc i cant sleep due to my thoughts of him and his life. I know he is enjoying his life... bc he would accept nothing less. He is completely pleasure driven.
IDK... maybe a lot of my pain is bc i based my life around him... because he provided me a certain lifestyle i cant have on my own. I have never been a shallow person. I wonder if THAT is the source of my pain- that i am missing the lifestyle more than him. But then again, i know i loved him, i wanted him (when he was here); i was so patient and kind to him.... so i guess it wasn't only bc of the star level living-
IDK... i just know i want this pain and obsessive thinking, dreaming, and crying episodes to STOP. Last night i had the worse dream... it was SO vivid. It was about me at his house and the nanny telling me i should leave before he gets home. In the dream the nanny told me he had a beautiful girlfriend and that he is actually proud of and loves this one. I told her that by saying that she hurt my feelings. She told me she sympathized with me, however i still need to get in my car and leave, bc if i stay my ex is really going to hurt me.
I have just had enough... just enough with these frigging dreams and daily obsessions. He was NOT worth what i am going through now. By the end of our relationship i found him boring and his behavior repulsive! Its as though i have forgotten how awful he was to me and how stressed, confused, and overwhelmed i felt... how nearly 100% of my attention was spent on trying to normalize the relationship. I need to remember that... however my emotional system only allows me to miss him :-(
I just want sleep
I have felt some of this
Weekends
Thanks everyone for your
the real "check"
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jessika