Weekends are so hard

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#1 Aug 22 - 1AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Weekends are so hard

Im just overwhelmed with emotion... hurt. I know he LOVES his weekends and usually makes them full of shows, 5 star restaurants, VIP living, sex (with me)... just exciting. It used to be me he lavished the attention on... then all of a sudden he didn't want me anymore. Was SO bored of me.

I am so angry and hurt that he is continuing this lifestyle (which is a lifestyle i enjoyed) and i am awake at 2am bc i cant sleep due to my thoughts of him and his life. I know he is enjoying his life... bc he would accept nothing less. He is completely pleasure driven.

IDK... maybe a lot of my pain is bc i based my life around him... because he provided me a certain lifestyle i cant have on my own. I have never been a shallow person. I wonder if THAT is the source of my pain- that i am missing the lifestyle more than him. But then again, i know i loved him, i wanted him (when he was here); i was so patient and kind to him.... so i guess it wasn't only bc of the star level living-

IDK... i just know i want this pain and obsessive thinking, dreaming, and crying episodes to STOP. Last night i had the worse dream... it was SO vivid. It was about me at his house and the nanny telling me i should leave before he gets home. In the dream the nanny told me he had a beautiful girlfriend and that he is actually proud of and loves this one. I told her that by saying that she hurt my feelings. She told me she sympathized with me, however i still need to get in my car and leave, bc if i stay my ex is really going to hurt me.

I have just had enough... just enough with these frigging dreams and daily obsessions. He was NOT worth what i am going through now. By the end of our relationship i found him boring and his behavior repulsive! Its as though i have forgotten how awful he was to me and how stressed, confused, and overwhelmed i felt... how nearly 100% of my attention was spent on trying to normalize the relationship. I need to remember that... however my emotional system only allows me to miss him :-(

I just want sleep

Aug 23 - 11AM
better off
better off's picture

I have felt some of this

I have felt some of this anger. I think part of it is just feeling like it's so unfair. HE is the one who's boring, but HE is the one who gets to have all the "fun." Yet what is he running from that he has to have all this activity? He can't just "be." God forbid he come face to face with himself in the stillness. I had one moment of rage when soon after I cut off contact, I found out he took his wife -- his supposedly awful terrible wife he didn't love or want to spend any time with, on an expensive trip to Asia. My heart almost exploded. But it was also a giant validation of my worries. He was back and forth from the US, was back in the US for a month, and of course was being buddy buddy with me. I knew he'd pay attention to me and then forget all about me after he went back home. So I ended our friendship. This was before I knew about NC or anything, I just knew I had to do it to avoid being devastated later. I didn't even know much about N's or anything like that. I was still deeply in love with him, even though we were "just friends" and I felt guilty about it because he was staying married, no matter what he said about her. Anyway...he hooked up with someone else I know in the States. Then he went home, and took his wife to Asia. I was so mad, like why does HE get to do all this great stuff??? Aaaahhh!!!! Stuff he friggin' tempted ME with all the time, and yet never followed through. Oh well, six months later...I don't care what he does or where he goes or who he does it with. He doesn't care about other people. He uses them to feed himself, friends, lovers, whatever. I've asked myself what he was tapping into so effectively with our "dreams" of being together, and they were definitely JUST dreams, lol. And I am figuring out what I might really like to do or want out of this life independent of him. Maybe you can't live an exciting life on the same SCALE, but you can still go out and be active and enjoy things and see movies instead of shows and find funky cool little restaurants instead of expensive 5 star restaurants, etc etc. When you start recovering, start asking yourself what specifically did you get excited about and enjoy. Maybe it was just the thrill of new experiences. There's a great life you can have. There is. There really is. And it will be without the burden of a N. But it will take a while. And that's okay.
Aug 22 - 9AM
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Weekends

It helps me to plan my weekends in advance. Usually on Thursday I will have a rough plan as to what I will do that I enjoy and will fill my time. It doesnt matter whether I actually do everything on my list. I've been caught without a loose plan for weekends-forgot to write it down..and those weekends were especially hard for me. You can try this maybe.
Aug 23 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Jessika (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks everyone for your

Thanks everyone for your words. It was really helpful for me this weekend.... I'm still in pain, however you all reminded me that he is doing all that exciting stuff bc he cant stand on his own. Also it is probably the exciting activities I am missing and not him... he WAS only the checkwriter and not the source of my pleasure.. but rather pain.
Aug 23 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

the real "check"

he may have written the financial check but you in the end, pain the emotional & mental check. Try to plan ahead for your weekends. Something to do. Moving your furniture around, finding new sheets for the bed... so things don't remind you of him so much. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Aug 22 - 8AM
Beachcolors
Beachcolors's picture

Similar

My ex was like that too! He loved his rare off days and we would go and go and go on those days. We would be out all day and have so much fun. But I was just someone to take along with him. I added no value for him I was just someone to listen to his constant talking and masterbate on top of later that night. Why can't you have the kind of lifestyle he provided? You can have anyting you want if you want it bad enough. Instead of thinking about how nice it was and now it's over, think of it as the first step into the kind of life you now know you want to have. If it's money...then find a way to make your own fortune. If it's leisure....decided what makes you feel enduldged and do it. If it's the busy social scene.....you don't need him to get all in the middle of that. Make a list of the things that made you feel GOOD when you did things with him. Chances are that his only role was that of the check writer. That's how mine was. Don't ge me wrong, I loved him but when began to discard me and my feelings he became nothing but the guy who paid the bill. I kept that to myself but that's how I started to look at him.
Aug 22 - 2AM
Barbara (not verified)
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jessika

http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/06/nothing-bothers-him-i-wish-i-were-more.html http://allabouthim.com/grieving-the-narcissist/ http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/06/reality-and-suffering.html http://allabouthim.com/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts/ it's been how long? a couple months? You have a long way to go but you will get there. Therapy and maybe even short term medication might help you. But unfortunately nothing can speed this up... ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck